No more cake!

D seems to be coming round to my wedding suggestions today, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he is in a good mood because he is watching the sport choices on TV for the next football competition! Mental note to self, always ask questions about the wedding during TV sport! No seriously, finally we are trying to come to some kind of compromise and are thinking about setting a date. It seems D has worries with regards to his guests as a lot of his family and friends live in New Zealand and may well not come, so he is finding it difficult to decide who to invite etc. I told him to just invite everyone, then of course if they cant or don't want to come then that is their choice, he has family and friends here too who will! Anyway, good progress since my last post! Better start saving now though, found the absolute perfect dress, but it happens to be 3x what I had said would be the maximum I would spend on a wedding dress! I don't think I can justify spending that much on a dress when we have a low budget anyway, so I will be scouring for something similar or even someone who can make one like it for me! So the diet starts as of now, this will be the real test, because if I cant lose weight for my own wedding then I guess I never will! Cake, puddings, chocolate - JUST SAY NO!

Nose job, me?, no.......

Progress?

We never thought in a million years that either one of the cats would use the new basket at all, let alone both of them at the same time! Maybe this is progress!?

Reaction

D has just seen the last post I published, cringed in a despairing way and laughed to himself as he ascended the stairs - oh dear!

Another whiskey darling?

Obsession

I am in the process of trying to convince D that we should start planning our wedding, which of course isn't going so well as he really just wants to elope somewhere hot and do it on our own! Inevitably the more I think about it the more I want 'the works'! Well I don't want to spend a fortune because, yeah, I guess I agree a little in that it can be a bit of a waste of money if you go overboard, but I do want some of the things every woman dreams of from being a young girl - the dress, the flowers, the bridesmaids, picturesque venue, family and friends gathered together. We need to think about saving either way anyway so I would like to set a date, but alas D does not think this is a good idea, so it may come to pass that we never get married at this rate!

It would seem I have become a bit obsessed with wedding plans over the last week or so, (probably due to being confined to the house with a chicken pox infected child), and I feel I may have reached the line which will send D running for the hills. Certainly I am getting a lot of sighs and abrupt answers to questions, and of course unfortunately I have not received a definite yes to the whole event planning or date setting. However despite this I am researching on in my own little fantasy world of 'wedding' for my own personal amusement and to work out some kind of budget for the basics. I think probably all women underestimate how much the whole event may cost as to them no price is too much for their dream day and choices they make!

However in reality, during my research, I am discovering that some things are definitely more expensive than I thought! Take the wedding rings for example - for a plain platinum, d-shaped (now that's a whole other issue), mirrored finish (as is this), 2mm women's wedding band the cheapest from a jewellery store = £325. Should one wish to purchase over the Internet £209, but then who would? And of course its not that simple would you believe. There's D shape, court shaped, concave, flat, rounded, any mixture of the above; and then there's the mirror, matt, pure matt, something else and something else finishes to choose from, I mean, please, really, if the rings are this complicated how does one even begin to tackles such issues as the venue, dress, photographer, colours, themes, materials, decoration etc etc. And that's just one ring, what about the grooms? Well D would of course argue he doesn't need one as he has already stated his case against wedding bands, however this was met with a 'this is final' reply something along the lines of, 'if I am wearing one for the whole world to see I'm taken, so are you!' So the grooms ring is always a little wider, meaning the cheapest are about £500-600, so that's nearly £1000 on just the rings! Oh my lord this is going to be harder than I thought. A classy wedding on a real budget, how does one achieve this? If anyone has any good ideas or contacts please please enlighten me!

So I have chosen the colours and sort of theme; I have ideas about the kind of style dress I want for myself and bridesmaids (three including Alina), but of course at least a year at a slimming club is required before I can even contemplate trying any on; i know i just want close family and friends at the ceremony and then straight onto reception with a buffet supper for everyone; I have a short list of first dance songs; and I have started writing my own vows - not bad for a weeks work! So all I have to do now is wear D down and convince him all this is a great idea! Wish me luck!

True

' Life moves pretty fast, so if you dont stop to look around once in a while, you might miss it! '

(Image courtesy of, and copyright Bear Mountain Images 2007)

Love and hate!

We are having a rollercoaster of a week this week with regards to Ali. Other than the 5 spots that she had a few days ago you would never know to look at her that she had had chicken pox, but her behaviour - well 'trying' is a bit of an understatement. Of course I cant be sure that it is because she has been ill, it could just be her age, be we have fought and fought all week, and she has been like Jeckel + Hyde! She wont let D do anything for her or with her and has been quite clingy with me. We have had a lot of undecisiveness and tantrums when she doesnt get her own way, and of course screaming and crying excessively when she is upset, over stupid things. When she throws a wobbler it can be very distressing to watch actually, she just goes mental, and winds herself up until she cant breath properly, like she is so full of hate for everything and everyone. But then occassionally there have been really lovely 'bonding' moments, and you wouldnt know she was the same person. Like this morning we both had a shower and having just had a massive tantrum because I had pulled the cord to make the water hot, she quietened down and just cuddled into me the whole time we were in the shower, nearly falling asleep on my shoulder at one point. It is so strange how she can go from one extreme to the other so quickly, its like her emotions are on edge the whole time. I can only attribute the extreme behaviour to her being ill as she is sleeping through at night therefore being so tired can only be due to her physically trying to fight off the chicken pox. Parenting is becoming harder all the time!

'Celebrating woman' picture!

In celebration of my 'womanhood' I have spent another small fortune, on yet another piece of art that I dont need, but just loved! It's so gorgeous, and totally spoke to my heart. So I told myself life is too short and just bought it! I think D dispairs of me!

Misleading photos + explanation!

The unbelievable discovery turned out to be pretty believable. I thought I had discovered an element to D's 'sexuality' that I did not know about. I found these misleading photos, courtesy of my genius daughter, on my digital camera while I was writing my last post, and well I was flabbergasted! Now you have to understand that D is a pretty traditional guy when it comes to intimacy so experimentation with a camera - well lets say it was unexpected! However on confronting him it appears that it was actually my daughter Ali who has been experimental with the camera, and has captured some very cleverly misleading images! See what you think - they shocked me anyway! (They are actually 1. D kneeling trying to persuade Ali to put the camera down, 2. D's hairy chest and bed covers, 3. D's hand in front of the view finder!) Incidently I now have no time for any of the things I had planned to do this evening! Damn!

Waffle

It's wednesday evening, the last of my days off before rejoining the rat race, and I am making every minute count. I have a glass of port and lemonade (predominantly port!), I have put the ironing and preparation for tomorrow to one side, temporarily, (I like to think I dont hide from my responsibilities!), and I am pondering over three options which I yet have time for. A bath, continue my book - suddenly Im reading again, or listen to my new Mika CD. Of course I could combine a bath with either of the others and risk a broken discman or soggy paperback. But then there is the age old argument - do I actually want to have a bath, because I love being in the bath, and then when Im out after a while, but I hate the bit in between where Im damp, with a stiff neck and feeling faint because I made the water scalding hot. Thinking about tomorrow I am already cringing about what it may be like when I get into work, descending from a whole family of worriers I cannot prevent this feeling; and of course Im wondering how fast my heart will be beating until the clock strikes 1530hrs and I can leg it out of the building! All being well! Will I get on with my clients, will there be any emergencies, will I be on the ball, will I get through the day alive........obviously Im joking! No seriously, I still find it nerve racking but each day does get easier. I learn new things every day, I get to meet masses of new people, and I am in the priveledged position of being with them at the birth of their offspring - this of course is reason I keep going! Thursdays are not my lucky day however, it's like 'clean up' day, 'try to fit everything in before friday and the weekend because there wont be as many staff'day, 'not quite the weekend' day, 'it doesnt really matter because your on night shift friday night anyway' day. Of course I have nothing against thursdays in general, when Im not at work. D is watching the match as usual. Luckily for him I havent even considered arguing for control of the tv tonight. Oh my god I have just made a seriously unbelievable discovery so I have to cease the waffle now, Im sure you're pleased!

Potent quote

'Our emotions, they say, guide us in facing predicaments and tasks too important to leave to intellect alone'

D. Goleman, Emotional Intelligence

Great Song, hilarious live performance!

This video of The Scissor Sisters live at The Brits 2007 is so funny, it reminds me of all those knights armer legs that came to life in 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks'! Kings of Leon - 'Fans' is also worth a listen as this is a great song too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Gmoxhq4NiM

Celebrating 'Woman'

Currently I seem to be in a period of my life where I am just starting to love myself, and being a woman. I feel I have encountered a wealth of personal growth in the last few years which has led me to this new phase of self discovery, self worth and self respect, instead of self loathing. This has a lot to do with aging in general, but is also linked with entering into a serious relationship with someone older than me, and becoming a mother.

At first I was battling with myself because I was fighting to rescue my youth. I have never felt like I particularly 'lived' my youth and young adulthood years to the full, and began to resent this when it became to late to try. Instead I am learning to embrace my life at this moment in time so that 10 years down the line I don't feel the same about my 20's.

A large part of this can be attributed to self acceptance, as I am because that is just me, and I am a good person. If something needs changing in my life then its up to me to identify and act upon it, but that does not mean that it cannot be accepted as it is until that time comes. But it also begs the question - why are we so self critical? We set such high standards for ourselves and can lose the enjoyment from life, aiming straight for what is out of reach and thinking we have failed, rather than comfortably working towards it.

I have called my blog 'mother, wife, midwife' because those were/are the main fields of my life, the key areas which I compare, day in day out, for many reasons. In fact it should have been called 'mother, wife, midwife - woman', because woman alludes to the 'real' me, (I hate that word), the me that can just be me, without being defined as part of a couple or as a parent. And I have only really just started to discover myself as 'woman' because I never gave this part of my identity a chance to develop and blossom. I hate the word 'real' because I have never considered myself as being fake but I do think that subconsciously we hide aspects of ourselves and our personality without knowing it. It seems one begins to learn to accept oneself from all perspectives.

As a mother I am attempting to be a good parent, to care & provide for, nourise and love my daughter, but as a woman I should be celebrating nature and the ability to reproduce and rear, and feel wonderful about that on a natural, and basic level. Being almost a 'wife' I try to support, comfort and cohabit with my partner in a loving relationship, but as a woman I should be exploring passion, sexuality, tenderness and a deeper intimacy or bond. And of course finally as a midwife I work to care for, represent and be there for women during an intense and sometimes stressful, but unique time of there life during childbirth/childbearing; however as a woman I need to empathise with, empower and promote control for women when they could potentially feel very vulnerable.

Being true to 'woman' is the exciting, gratifying, rewarding and 'real' part of life that I have been missing out on! So I am celebrating woman.

Rampant Rabbit!

Driving home this evening I thought my 'ears' were deceiving me when I heard on the radio news report that a guy had held up a shop owner with a 'rampant rabbit' vibrator hidden in a plastic bag! I was hysterical, the funniest thing I had heard in ages. I mean it adds a whole new perspective to 'stick em up' really doesnt it!

Chicken pox!

Ali has chicken pox! It was inevitable really when all but her and another of the childminders kids had already had it. It's best they have it when they are young anyway so they say. She only has a few spots at present so it may just be starting. We were isolated at the doctors surgery, away from the toys, which wasnt helpful for the 40mins we had to wait. I think I got through several verses of '5 little speckled frogs', 'heads shoulders knees and toes', '10 green bottles' and '10 fat sausages sizzling in a pan' before we were called in! Not to worry, she seems in good spirits and I have all the lotions and potions incase they get worse!

Face-off!

One of many 'face-off's' between Dhu and Tommy! Actually, Dhu tends to win, he's too interested, so just sits there until Tommy gets bored and waltzes off! There's still a lot of hissing but generally we are making progress! They can stand to be in the same room as each other now anyway!

Another example from the book that may never be. (Written before I was employed)

Introduction

Let me set the scene for you a little. I am lying in bed listening to D place pans and towels along the window-sill to catch the streams of water coming in through the window surround, from the torrential downpour outside. Moaning I turn to burrow myself in the duvet and wonder to myself how the hell I managed to get here. Despite the fact D has not seen me in my underwear, in full light, in over two years, I decide I desperately need the toilet (the bladder’s not so hot anymore!) and dash upstairs in the hope that he is too busy and too angry to notice me. This was not the wisest move however as the house, of course, as it always is, is absolutely freezing cold. I am now so cold I couldn’t possibly pee and end up sat there for ages trying to relax and encourage it while planning my return to the ‘mattress on the floor’ we call a bed, without D noticing me again. Eventually the deed is done and just in time too as I can no longer feel my extremities. Peering over the banister I see he is back in bed, so I make my return quickly and painlessly to join him, noticing it’s about 4.10am on the way. At least it’s slightly warmer under the ‘double’ duvet I created and I listen to the background noise of the dripping, baby intercom, cat snoring and rain thudding against the window until I either need to pee again or finally fall asleep.

“MAMMY, MAMMY, MAMMY, MAMMY……..” Oh that’s my alarm clock, so I calculate I have about 10 more repetitions before I do actually have to get up and go to retrieve my daughter Alina from the one and only bedroom of the house she is inhabiting, to join us on the mattress on the floor. Once there a battle of weighted odds ensues as both myself and D try to continue to sleep while Alina drinks (spills) her milk and bounces about all over us, shoving books and toys in our faces, chanting “up, up, up” until we finally give in. Let me just clarify the time again at this point, it is 6.40am. As I let out an enormous sigh I cringe at the thought of yet another day of having all the things I do undone, being clambered all over, repeatedly tidying away the multitude of toys and household objects Alina moves about, and reading almost every book she owns with actions and noises; a string of events which are usually collectively topped-off with a screaming fit so bad she struggles to breath, as we try to put her pyjamas on ready for bed again in the evening.


In the counselling course which I am currently taking two analogies have been used to describe the way in which people deal with their lives. These are the spinning plates and the kites, and the idea is somehow learning to use the kites instead of the plates. The spinning plates is basically a way of describing the fact that some people have lots of different areas of their life like spinning plates, and they live trying to keep them all up and spinning, so it is a bit frantic and chaotic; where as the different areas of our lives can be like kites and we can gently pull each area down in turn to deal with it individually and calmly without worrying about everything coming crashing down around you. The first is definitely most applicable to my life at present (I am sure a lot of you will feel in a similar position), but I am working on the kites! And to be honest I reckon that if I did somehow master the kites they would either, tangle up, blow away or come plummeting to earth just as the plates do!


At only 23 a number of key life changing events have already taken place for me, so I think it is only understandable that I feel somewhat swamped by them all. Of course the main experience was that of having a child of my own, which in itself instigates a wealth of emotions that continue to be a constant battle on a daily basis. Suddenly this little person has to become the centre of your world and everything else has to orbit around her, and if something disturbs the balance it all comes crashing down, (or at least it becomes a bumpy ride!) Now I love my daughter, don’t get me wrong, but the two of us spending every moment of every day together is doing neither of us any good. My mother said to me one day recently, ‘it’s because you have a brain Jen, you need to use it’, and I think she is right. At first I thought I had delivered my brain with the placenta when Ali was born, but monotony and mental in-activity was more likely the source of its dormancy and confusion.

The second major aspect of my life is of course my partner D, who is 25 years my senior and a very traditional guy indeed. I do love him to pieces (just incase he’s reading this!), no really I do, but the age gap is rearing its ugly head more so each day and bringing a whole host of new and challenging ‘features’ to our relationship. I know of course that I am so unbelievably lucky because I could not want for a better man in terms of trust, support and sincerity, but, and there always seems to be a but, how shall I put it, we are encountering new issues along the way!

And finally there is the third part of my life, which happens to be a bit of a none -starter at present, which is my career as a midwife. The most important thing to know at the moment is that I forced myself to complete my training (degree) while being a mother to a young baby as I desperately did not want to be a housewife with a numb brain; only to find that the British Health Service has screwed up its finances more than I could ever manage to accomplish (and that is saying something); so much so that although desperately short of midwives it cannot afford to employ them! Bitter is an understatement.

Plea to doctors!

(Sung to the tune 'Achy Breaky Heart' by Billy Ray Cyrus)

Doctors stay away, we've no need for you today
We love you but can manage on our own
We will inform you when we can, or if things dont go to plan
But please respect the fact the midwives role has grown

Why is it today, there can be no small delay
Why is there a time limit to birth?
If mum and babe are fine, can't we have some extra time
So mum knows she's done her best for what its worth


Chorus 1:
Dont intervene, try not to be so keen
To send these women to the theatre bed
Cause if you intervene, you may just set the scene
For a lift out through the sunroof now instead


When certain things go down, we know we may need you around
We wont hesitiate to bleep you at this time
But what starts as ARM, can cascade to 'knife to skin'
And in our eyes this constitutes a crime

To conclude I'd like to say, that we'd like to have our way
And to reinforce we dont want you to leave
As sometimes there's a need, for baby's exit to have speed
But the rest in moderation if you please!


Chorus 2:
Dont intervene, try not to be so keen
To send these woman to the theatre bed
Just think about its place, and you'll reduce the section rate
And restore our faith in care midwifery led!

'Oooo'

Chorus 1

'Oooo'

Chorus 2

The question of all questions

Sex or chocolate?

This was the question causing some debate at work last week, as everyone was tucking into yet another box of chocolates left by a grateful mother. One of the students prompted the discussion as she had decided she would 'rather have chocolate than sex any day', to which her mentor replied, 'well evidently you aint getting it right hunny.' I said,

- why not both?

So if you had to decide, which would you choose?

Shopping

It would seem that in my quest to lose the weight I put on while pregnant with Ali, I have replaced food with shopping, which could have disastrous consequences for my bank balance! This is the list so far:
Countless sets of lingerie to try and make myself feel gorgeous
3 tops of the 'empire line' variety (fitted under one's clevage creating a drop to hide the post-baby tummy!)
2 pairs of black wide legs trousers - although they were one size smaller
A painting - an expensive one!
A swimming costume
An infinite number of garments for my daughter
A string of chinese lanterns (these were on offer though!)
3 laterns for the garden I dont have
A white jacket, in an attempt to abolish the black
A little black dress, because apparantly every girl needs one
Two pairs of earings
A kitten! Cute as!
And serveral pots and plants to put in the garden

Pretty good start dont you think! Should be thin and bankrupt in no time!

Dhu!

If life wasnt hectic enough, we have added to the chaos by getting a kitten! He is called Dhu (pronounced - 'do' with a silent 'h') which is gaelic for black, because he has black stripes across his back. Tommy is not too taken with him at present but we are hoping she will warm to him!

We are giving them both lots of attention to show there is no need for competition, and also to Alina who looks a little dismayed everytime we are with them!

Will keep you posted as to our progress! (At least he is toilet trained!)

Great White!

Apparantly some guy from Newquay has lied about spying a great white shark off our shores down in the region. He used a photo of a great white that he recently took while holidaying in South Africa to convince newspapers that this was evidence of his siting; which evidently was printed and caused some hysteria. Of course there were others who knew him well and saw the joke for what it was.

Now, is it just me being boring, or, well, really -get a life!

Drugs

Food:it gives you a rush that is short lasting but comforting
Wine: it numbs the brain and your eyes become heavy and fuzzy
Conversation: the daily drug, the maintenance drug
Nicotine: disgusting to taste and smell but highly addictive and popular
Opiate: whether as pain-relief or recreation your mind leaves your body temporarily
Love: can reign over other feelings and undermine the head, at times easily the strongest
Music: you can get carried away by it, your whole body goes with it
Water: the drug of life
Pain: the drug that reminds you you're alive
Lust: messes with love, can also be powerful at times and sway the head
Sex: passionate or when a connection is made, is physically overwhelming
Life: can have you high or low, or both, repeatedly and/or respectively

What is life if you don't live it?

At the moment I seem to be in a rather statically 'deep' and reflective mood. My mind is getting so tangled thinking about all the different aspects of my life, fighting with myself over decisions made, and those still to make. While in the mean time I just try to keep going, getting through each day, working, managing my daughter and trying to hold my relationship and household together. But I heard the line 'What is life if you dont live it?' in a film the other day, and I thought, we really are not living our lives. We are so much more fortunate than many people and we are taking this for granted. Even though I know this and I really try to pick myself up and keep going, and enjoy myself, I cannot seem to get myself out of this 'tug of war' with my emotions. Anyone any advice?

Childbirth

I have been pondering over this topic for a while now, because of course I deal with childbirth on a daily basis, and it is human nature to be comparative to ones own experience when discussing such issues. Of course my role as a midwife requires that I remain objective and dont compare personal experience to professional practice, but that does not mean I cant think and write about my experience in the context of professional practice.

As I was training to be a midwife I often wondered whether it would be easier to encourage a woman and support her through her pain when I had children of my own. Certainly women aways asked me whether I had children and looked a little dismayed when I said no. It seems important to many women to know this information. They want to know that you really know what they are going through. Although this is usually early on in labour when thay are still conversing with you! I have to say as soon as I began contracting frequently I couldnt have cared less whether my midwife had 0 or 20 children as long she got me the sedatives I wanted!

My training had taught me that first baby's take an average of 12 hours labour before they make an appearance, so I had spent the last few weeks of pregnancy psyching myself up for the event, trying to get myself into the right mind-set to cope with the labour and avoid all the 'crap' that I knew all too well. I didnt want any of this clarty, massaging, aromatherapy, natural, happy-clappy, stuff - I new that it was either gas and air and cope with that or .....sedatives! And I have to be honest the latter was very appealing!

Of course nothing can actually prepare you for the intensity of the pain that you experience in labour, but on the morning of Ali's birth I experienced no 'period like' crampy pains that usually pre-empt contractions, no show, no waters breaking, nothing majorly different - I just woke up, spent nearly half an hour on the toilet emptying the entire contents of my digestive system, and then - bam! 0750am and my contractions started regularly, bloody strong and very frequent! There was no build up, no warning signs and all the mental preparation I had done may as well have gone out the window! One virtually on top of the next I had little time to take stock.

On ringing for advice I was told the standard spiel - two paracetamol and have a bath - and I could have thrown the phone across the room, as if two paracetamol were going to even touch the pain - so I decided in my infinite wisdom to have a shower! I was adamant that just because I was pregnant and in labour, was not going to mean my basic hygiene was not maintained! Of course I lasted about 2 minutes in the shower, at which point D started telling me this was ridiculous and that we should just go into hospital and get checked out. So ensued a slightly panicked check of the bags, me throwing some clothes on and ensuring there was a towel on the new Alfa Romeo before I got in!

The worst part was the car journey to the hospital. 25mins (well 20 at high speed), trapped in the car seat, unable to move about and 'rock' the pain away. I have never been so happy to see A & E in all my life; certainly now it only means I have arrived at work! Admitted to maternity and a quick examination to determine whether my cervix was actually dilated, or that I was a total wuss and was going to need an epidural; and I was promptly taken to a room and given the gas and air as I was already 6cm dilated. Thank the lord! (He's not gona help you now hunny - Thats what one of my collegues would have said!) It was when I was given the gas and air that I began to regain control. Up until then I was completely panick stricken. Now I could concentrate. I focused soley on my breathing. It's good stuff believe you me!

Now there came a point when the pain intensified and it became just a bit too much, and I chose to have a sedative. At the time I thought it was warranted as I could have had to keep going for over 4 hours to get to fully dilated, and I couldnt bare the pain any longer. In retrospect, I wish I hadnt. Initially I had asked for diamorphine but there was a national shortage and the hospital only had Pethindine, which is worse for the baby as it crosses the placenta and sedates them as well. I just said that was fine because I really needed something. However I always wonder if it was the Pethidine which set the scene for the events that started to unfold.

It had been somewhere between 9 and 10am when we arrived at the hospital, and by 12noon I was pushing. The midwife broke my waters for me at this point and it was evident that Ali had become quite distressed by the speed of this labour as she had pooed a lot in the waters. Now I dont recall a lot around this time as the Pethidine had me virtually knocked out, but I did hear loud and clear Ali's heart rate plumet down way too low, and it did not return to normal rate. D reliably informs me that the room started to look a bit like a scene from ER as it started to fill up with people. Midwives, doctors, paediatricians, and of course a wealth of equipment. Decision was to suck her out! Perform a ventouse - where they attach a suction cup on the baby's head to pull it out while you push.

From this point I only remember a few things. I heard the doctor say, 'im going to have to cut you to make some more room for the baby coming out', I said, 'do you have to', he said, 'yes'. Then there came a point where I heard him say 'right you really have to push because this baby needs to come out now!' It was the way he said it and I pushed for her life.

Shitting a melon is a total understatement!

When she was out she was whipped away to the resuscitaire to 'suction' out any meconium (poo) which may be in the process of being swallowed or inhaled, and I believe she may have been given some oxygen to bring her round a bit, but I think she was ok pretty much straight away. Again I was doped up with the Pethidine so still not quite with it at this time! I dont know how anyone can do drugs because it was such an awful feeling to be out of control like that and drifting in and out of consciousness. Maybe that's the very reason they do do it?!

I always hate to admit the next part of my tale, as I feel very guilty about it. The thing is as midwives we tell women that all the pain and exhaustion will be worth it when they see their baby and hold their baby for the first time - but when they passed Alina to me I didnt feel an immediate bond or love for her. I felt protective because I knew she was mine, but no bond, and this really upset me! I wanted to feel this overwhelming love like no other that every mother I knew spoke about, but I didnt and I looked at her and passed her to D while the midwife and doctor sorted me out.

Later I spent the evening playing 'happy new mother' as my family visited and while D was there, but when the evening came and I was stuck in that hospital with no-one, and the midwives busy, I kept staring at her willing myself to feel this undeniably strong bond. When I look back now I think Alina knew I felt this way because she would not let me put her down all night. She cried and screamed every time I tried to put her in the cot, and so the night consisted of holding her and breastfeeding her. As did the next 8 months! No bloody wonder I looked like death!

I have the breastfeeding to thank for eventually bonding with my daughter, and if women seriously dont want to breastfeed I discuss skin to skin contact with them, as this also plays a big part and can be done with the baby's father too. I persisted with the breastfeeding, despite my own midwife suggesting I top her up with a bottle!, and despite a lot of pressure from various sources to give up. This was my saving grace, the one thing that only I could do for her! And over time as we did this, my heart began to melt for her.

Luxury Chocolates

I was just trying to research luxury chocolates online, possibly for delivery for a special occassion, when I was blown away by the price of the most expensive chocolate in the world! A mere $250 for one chocolate!

'Fritz Knipschildt is the architect behind the most expensive chocolate in the world and is sometimes called the Willy Wonka of Connecticut. He founded Knipschildt Chocolatier in South Norwalk, Connecticut in 1999 and brought his Danish culinary training with him. All of his chocolates are handmade artisan products using only the freshest natural ingredients, with no additives or preservatives. He sells a chocolate called the Madeleine that must be ordered in advance. The Madeleine contains a creamy truffle ganache made from French Valrhona chocolate blended with fresh cream infused with vanilla pods and pure Italian truffle oil.' (As above)

'This extravagant yet simple ganache then has a French Perigold truffle rolled inside of it and the whole thing is dusted with cocoa powder. The ingredients alone don’t explain why this truffle chocolate is the world’s most expensive chocolate ever sold. Mr. Knipschildt’s explanation for the price tag is the tremendous amount of work that goes into producing these chocolates. The ganache is whipped and folded by hand for a long time to make it as silky as humanly possible, and he even has to perform the hand rolling of the Perigold truffle inside of the ganache within a refrigerated room so that the ganache hardens ever so slightly enough to be workable. Each one of these luscious truffle chocolates has a price tag of $250, making the confection cost approximately $2,600 per pound in quantity.'

Book exerpt! (Finding out I was pregnant with Ali)

Chapter 7: Alarm Bells

Clear Blue

When I dreamed about having a family during my younger years it was more of a romantic, idealistic picture of how it would all happen. I would find the perfect man, set up home, get married and plan a few children to fit in with the career I would have already built for myself. So you can imagine my frustration and sheer shock when I saw the blue lines of the pregnancy test I had taken in the toilets of the local bargain department store.

I had taken tests before when my period was late, even though had been on the pill for quite a few years, I still got panicked whenever it did not arrive exactly on time. I expected it to be negative, as it always had been, so this really did knock me for six.


If anyone had been watching me that day they would have thought I was a mad woman. Having taken the test I returned to my car and sat so still for what seemed like forever. I rang one of my housemates from Leeds and she instructed me to take another test, good advice. So off I went to the same shop, bought another two tests and returned to the same toilets to pee on two more sticks. Peeing on sticks, something I had dealt with for over two years on a daily basis; but now the lights were on me. Two more positives. Shit.

Back in the car. Shit.

Poem

The minute I heard my first love story (Rumi)

The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you not knowing,
how blind that was.

Lovers dont finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.

Tongues wagging!

It would seem that I have set tongues wagging among my family and friends with regards to my last post! You can all settle yourselves because the person in question, for whom the piece was written, is just a good friend of mine; and it was because we had been chatting about life and that is all! Goodness me, what do you all think of me!

Retrospect and Regret

Retrospect and Regret

There are poiniant moments in our life, of realisation, that contribute to personal growth

Life deals you her cards and you choose your path as you see it before you at the time

Life is too short for what if's and regrets, but there are experiences we will always wonder about

Looking back can be painful, it wrenches at your heart, pulling your emotions in all directions

Retrospect is a powerful tool, it can tear you apart because in essence it confirms you're too late

We do not have a birds eye view to look ahead to what the consequences of our choices may be

We have to learn from our choices, experiences and mistakes, they make an imprint on us

When the head rules the heart but the heart wishes it ruled the head, it is a viscious circle

All we can do is truely live for the moment and today, having faith in ourselves

Those we come across on our journey will hopefully remember us for the good times

Smile when recalling moments shared, knowing their hearts were touched by one another

Because sometimes the timing is right, and sometimes it is not

Maybe there are no right and wrong choices, paths, or directions

So long as we can live with our decisions and refrain from hurting others intentionally

Contentment in the heart and mind will come whether it be how we'd imagined or not

We have to have faith in this otherwise life would be entirely emotional turmoil,

retrospect, and regret.

(For someone out there. You know who you are and I know you will read this.)