I have a dream. A simpler and more selfish dream than the original dream visualised in tandem with this saying. My dream.

The strangely comforting smell of cigarettes and alcohol linger in the background and the sound of someones heart breaking churns out steadily from the juke box in the corner. Continuous monotone conversation meanders around the room from the bar to the door, and blurred in the background are friends playing pool and drinking merrily. Talking quietly, completely enthralled by each other, I stop regularly to laugh shyly and nervously spin my drink stirrer, listening intently; while you look into my eyes so intensely it sends the butterfly's in my stomach wild. Leaning into each others space across the small booth table, you take my hand and ask me to dance as a slow tear jerking song begins to unwind. There is a small space to one side of the bar and without another word you lead me there, spinning me into you until our body's meet firmly and sliding your arm around my waist as I gently place my hand on your shoulder. Taking my other hand to chest height and resting it between us, you look directly at me while starting a slow movement with the count of the beat. Melting into one another, both in ore of the moment and nothing needs voicing. Our free hands remain linked and caress the other in an opening/closing, skin tingling motion and my heels glide across the floor tipping my line into yours and following your lead effortlessly. You strongly support and guide me and offer a cheek to cheek moment allowing the smell of one another to readily perfuse the immediate area. My heart begins to race as your hand lowers to the small of my back generating a concentrated warmth through my satin blouse, to that ever so sensitive part of me. My hand strays from your shoulder to stroke the back of your neck while our pelvises orientate closer our legs alternating and inter-wound so that our motion becomes less grand and more localised to the spot. Bringing your eyes to meet mine again your mouth brushes across my lips generating an air thick with longing and the motion becomes a complete stand still. Suddenly I come to understand the phrase 'undressing each other with their eyes', as I become completely yours to possess.

I have a dream.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness obviously never danced in the rain

All the sleeping and fighting to do simple daily tasks has left me totally drained. Like I have been hit by a bus. It is hard to explain but at the same time exactly as they said it would be. My body aches, particularly my neck, but is this from the bug or from all the sleeping/tossing and turning? D hasn't touched me all week. More so than normal. Like I am a giant germ that might render him into the same useless state. I don't know why I am so bothered, even before I became a germ I had to ask him to hold me or touch me. Something is seriously wrong there. I think he has retreated into his cave on Mars again.

This morning I felt so lifeless I went to stand in the rain to prove to myself I wasn't still sleeping. Standing in a puddle, in my nightie, I let the drops fall hard and fast across my bare skin and watched the goose-pimples stand to attention. It felt so good a chill ran down my back. Warm rain. For the first time in so long, months, I felt like I was alive. Like I was wholly in the present moment. Like nothing else mattered but this feeling of stimulation. Pondering my life for a minute I threw myself back to the last time a pleasurable feeling totally washed over my whole body. Too long ago.

Today I also managed to finish a novel, the first full book I have read since before I met D. Quite an accomplishment. But it left me reeling! The ending had been left open for the reader to decide, and I had read and read incessantly to get my happy ending. So imagine it - I keep telling myself, but I so wanted to read it as part of my achievement. Why am I so bothered by this? When I had finished I began to think about bizarre things like the fact I haven't worn socks or shoes for days, and that the purple pointy flowers on the Budlia in the garden looked like an array of arrows pointing in all directions, like a scene from Alice in Wonderland. Have I awoken my imagination?

My not so little brother has now graduated with a fantastic 2:1 in Business Computing! His graduation ceremony was at the Stadium of Light - much to his horror being a Newcastle supporter, but to my dads delight being a Sunderland fan. It was a lovely ceremony, modern, in fitting with the course. The staff were very friendly and helpful and the indoor suites were great, but the food was not even average. We paid £20 each for a ticket and I was given 2 tiny sausages, a vegetable spring roll, an Indian parcel, a few cold and hard chips, a brushetta, a sandwich and a tiny little tart the size of a £2 coin. All the 'hot' food was cold by the time we got to it and you had to take your ticket up to get your meal so you weren't allowed any further food. It was a shame when everything else had been so impressive.

In a rather comedy moment the guy which my mum had been sat beside during the ceremony, (a rather gorgeous, African guy!) who had also been cheering on his best friend and his brother, asked for my brothers name and stood up and cheered him on too! Very random, but sweet I guess. How unfair is life when it is your mother being chatted up?

Incidentally I have run myself into the ground and left myself open to 'suspected' swine flu. Although no one is being tested anymore so I will never really know for sure. Anti-virals and plenty of sleep required. Mainly I feel as though my throat is on fire and like I have been hit by a bus. And although I don't have D & V, my body does not want food in it and if I eat, it rapidly leaves at the other end, up to 8 times a day! Too much detail I hear you yell. Christ, I'm turning into my mum - she has an obsession with talking about bowel movements. Enough said. Halls soothers and back to bed.

Today Ali found a potato shaped like Sid the Sloth's head from 'Ice Age'! It was hilarious. We were laughing about it so much in the vegetable shop that the owner actually gave it to Ali to take home! How nice! I have no idea how we are going to bring ourselves to eat it though!

We have also been to see Walking with Dinosaurs at the Metro Arena. We really enjoyed it. My mum won some tickets so we took Ali and another couple of family members. Ali was a little scared to begin with but when we pointed out the people and machinery working the models she relaxed. The popcorn also worked as a calming distraction! (All £3 worth). So we got to see the show for free which was great and probably would have been worth paying for - but the merchandise, whoo, extortionate! The cheapest item of memorabilia was a small helium balloon shaped like T-Rex which cost £5. I mean £5!!! Ridiculous. But of course they are very clever. Staff hovered in the doorway as we left the building - so you cannot possibly leave without seeing the balloons, then of course comes, 'Oh look mummy a dinosaur balloon, can I have a dinosaur balloon, please mummy please'. 'No darling, they are very expensive'. 'Oh please mummy please'. (Getting increasingly high pitched and whiny). 'Darling they cost too much money.' 'Ohhhhh pllllleeeeeeaaaasssssseeeee, please mummy please, look they are nearly all gone, please mummy.' And then that is it - the clincher! In about 30seconds they will all be gone because too few are being bought so quickly; so suddenly despite my previous arguments my daughter simply must have a dinosaur balloon and several of us are diving into the crowd, money extended out at arms length in exchange for a balloon. No, they are not stupid, they know how to make money! £12 for a programme - jees - we could have become bloody bankrupt and we didn't even pay for the tickets. Brilliant show though. Unbelievably intelligent, clever clever production. Well worth a visit.

Well it would seem I have competition in the birthday cake department. A few days ago a friend of mine had a birthday party for her son who is the same ages as Ali, and she had created a 'Rory the Racing Car' cake. It was fabulous, so it seems I do not hold the monopoly in the birthday cake market. In fact it could be argued she did one better as she actually baked the cake! Damn. However, I am already planning next years creation! And it seems a friend of mine has challenged me to a retirement cake in the shape of a zimmer frame! After pondering the possibility of this for all of 2 seconds, my best offer would have to be false teeth?!

Having just ploughed on straight from a night shift to a nursery trip out to Whitehouse Farm with Ali and her class, to trampolining club, and on to a parents evening/presentation to inform us about the transition from Nursery to Reception in school; I am now taking a few short minutes to simply do nothing before a sumptuous, well deserved early night. D is reading a guide to 'Florence and Tuscany' which has me very excited. I will have to start leaving more obvious hints while the idea is in his head - get him to follow through! I think I can keep on dreaming!