Today, after sleeping off my night-shift for a few hours, I watched the DVD I hired from the library I have just joined with Ali. The DVD was 'Becoming Jane', the film about Jane Austin. I was quite moved by it. I began to consider how much our society has changed in what could be considered a short period of time in long-term history. As 'courting' reduces and sexual freedom blooms, is romance meeting an untimely death? Are we losing sight of each other on a higher level amid daily comings and goings and the trials of modern life. I myself have written recently with regard to concerns about my own relationship to to that affect. But even at the beginning of my relationship the sexual desires were fulfilled before we really 'knew' each other. Most concerning is that I have brought my daughter into a generation of people whose lives, personalities and popularity are judged largely on sexual status - how absurd is that?
Flip the coin and one could argue that biology has always alluded to sexual desires ensuring the continuation of the species, it was just hidden well in the days of Miss Austin. I know I ask myself and D on a regular basis how we would react if in years to come Ali informed us she was dating someone 25 years her senior. How on earth could we disapprove of that?
Thus far in my life I have had the fortune to fall in love twice - what I define as 'love' to myself. The first ended in heart break for me and the second I believe to be very much alive but always being tested.
When I first met D he was to be my boss as I was being interviewed to be a catering assistant in a local leisure complex. Being quite young at this time, still to complete my education in the form of university, and recently left reeling from being mistreated emotionally by my previous choice of male; I was in no hurry to have the knife plunged and twisted into my heart again any time soon. What I thought was a crush driven by lustful thoughts for a considerably older man changed over a period of two years into something more intriguing. Of course I was still learning about myself and the world around me as an adult, but after two wondering years I felt that this may be something more. This time was the closest I became to the era and forbidden feelings of Miss Austin. The glances, trying to touch him 'accidentally' on purpose, non-subtle hints for a lift home. It all got lost so quickly.
Maybe I expect too much. Do I still secretly hope for the fairytale? Maybe my expectations will always exceed reality. Maybe it's not the brightest idea to ply our kids with fairy tales and make believe because they might become very disappointed later in life. However, although you wouldn't believe it from my most recent posts, ever the optimist, I choose to believe that the present is just a demon to overcome and reign triumphant against. I try to have faith that my love will hold strong, and while I anxiously debate my love life, I would put serious money on that D thinks there is nothing wrong!
3 comments:
yesterday is history
tomorrow is a mystery
today is a gift, that's why they call it THE PRESENT
thank you anonymous! thats a lovely way of looking at things!
I stumbled upon your post quite by mistake but was enthrawled and captivated by your posts. I felt a deep sense of hurt and longing when reading this one. There is true romance out there! I really can't convey what I mean. It's just when you get to know someone first and have a deep sense of intamacy before getting physical...it changes everything, regardless of the age difference. I dated my now husband at the age of 16 for two years....never were intimate. I was off to college and my dad insisted we break up. I broke up with him to appease my dad. I will still quite young and very religious and thought I had to obey him. Soon after college, married an abuse man of my dad's choosing. Never knew what happened to Greg. Was married 10 years to this creep until someone (my sister in law) help me develop the back bone to get out of there. Upon my divorce, Greg had heard from his mother who had some contact link. He asked me out for coffee via email. I declined several times. I thought he was married, or so I'd heard years ago and besides, I hadn't seen this guy in 15 years!! My heart raced and I could hardly eat for weeks. I finally knew I had to meet him. Armed with 25 extra pounds and three little kiddos??? What could I offer any man, I thought! I dropped the boys off at my mom's and headed out to meet him. It was the longest 30 min. drive of my life. I got lost and went into an insurance building to call. It rang and I informed him that I was turning around. He knew that I would, he was standing in front of his building in the pouring rain. I heard him breathing heavily on the cell and asked what he was doing! He said, just stay there...I'm running to you! He knew where I was and ran three blocks in the rain to meet me. I was sitting in my car when I saw him coming up the sidewalk. He hopped in the front seat, dripping wet. I drove him back to his place went in and we both sat on the couch, opposite ends. We made nervous chit chat, never making eye contact. Then finally I noticed him shivering. I put my hand on top of his and said, "there, isn't that better?" He smiled and looked at me for the first time. He said, All these years...I waited for you. You were all I ever wanted. He went on to say that he had married shortly after hearing that I had only to split a year later. He had never had kids and didn't want to hoping that one day we'd meet. His friends would razz him something awful about this mystery girl who hadn't even slept with him. He was on the fire department for some time and could have any girl he wanted. He dated many girls over the year but always knew there was something missing. Fast forward back to our meeting. I finally looked deep into him eyes...and we both started to tear up. We knew each other, deeply, profoundly. Our souls were knit together something strange. We kissed. It was like the first kiss I'd ever had......amazing. powerful. heavenly. He wrote me amazing letters, too lengthly to share about how over the years he had thought of my over and over and knew what a different lady I was, how I didn't just hand out pieces of myself. Fast forward to the present: We are happily married and in love! He is an exellent father to my three boys and makes me feel alive, truly wanted. We've been married for 4 years and the main thing is, is that we get each other. If you want a truly wonderful relationship ...you'll have to create one. Get to know your man deeply on a soul level and if he isn't even willing to hear about your day...I doubt he'll be up for much else.
Post a Comment