All the sleeping and fighting to do simple daily tasks has left me totally drained. Like I have been hit by a bus. It is hard to explain but at the same time exactly as they said it would be. My body aches, particularly my neck, but is this from the bug or from all the sleeping/tossing and turning? D hasn't touched me all week. More so than normal. Like I am a giant germ that might render him into the same useless state. I don't know why I am so bothered, even before I became a germ I had to ask him to hold me or touch me. Something is seriously wrong there. I think he has retreated into his cave on Mars again.This morning I felt so lifeless I went to stand in the rain to prove to myself I wasn't still sleeping. Standing in a puddle, in my nightie, I let the drops fall hard and fast across my bare skin and watched the goose-pimples stand to attention. It felt so good a chill ran down my back. Warm rain. For the first time in so long, months, I felt like I was alive. Like I was wholly in the present moment. Like nothing else mattered but this feeling of stimulation. Pondering my life for a minute I threw myself back to the last time a pleasurable feeling totally washed over my whole body. Too long ago.
Today I also managed to finish a novel, the first full book I have read since before I met D. Quite an accomplishment. But it left me reeling! The ending had been left open for the reader to decide, and I had read and read incessantly to get my happy ending. So imagine it - I keep telling myself, but I so wanted to read it as part of my achievement. Why am I so bothered by this? When I had finished I began to think about bizarre things like the fact I haven't worn socks or shoes for days, and that the purple pointy flowers on the Budlia in the garden looked like an array of arrows pointing in all directions, like a scene from Alice in Wonderland. Have I awoken my imagination?
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