Defenses threatened

Not content with my first night of horror, I ended up watching 'Alien vs Predator' the next evening, which I knew would have me a complete nervous wreck. This sudden craving for fear and adrenaline, be it partying or scary movies, makes me wonder if I am in need of something else in my life. Before I go all happy clappy, psychology on you, I don't mean something spiritual per say, just something for me. A hobby, or past-time that could be a source of fun, interest and exhilaration, without being to life threatening. Something that would really get me excited, that I could look forward to, and that would be a release for my ever increasing stress levels. So should anyone have any ideas then they are very welcome! Of course the only other requirement is that this cannot cost much! And before anyone suggests sex, I get plenty of that thanks!

More to the point, my weekend has been interesting to say the least. Friday began with great anticipation for the evening's plans, having spent the majority of Thursday trying on outfits and attempting to decided between 'hot and slutty' and 'smart-casual and sexy'. Following lunch with my brother and father I did feel quite ill, however this was not enough to interfere with my escapades, but it did mean having to drink less! Shame.

Although late for my train and having to drive for the first part of the evening - meaning no drink full stop - the night was thoroughly enjoyed by all. Not having been out clubbing since the previous April I completely let my hair down, even though the club was just as terrible as I remember from my younger days, and virtually empty, on a Friday night? Bizarre.

I did however bump into my ex briefly as I was staying in town with a friend. He looked unhappy, I looked just fabulous, and it felt good to genuinely feel nothing for him, good about myself and happy with my partner and family. His loss, my gain and lucky escape!

So the weekend continued with an 'ex' theme as D's ex wife came to collect some belongings that were still in our loft! Now some people tell me I am a saint to have kept them thus far, but I am trying so hard not to let my jealous and psychotic streak run free at this point, and I definitely didn't want to appear childish. I spent a day and a half trying to ensure the house was spotless and gorgeous, and that me and Ali looked fantastic. My emotions, god, I cant seem to make any sense of them. D is always telling me he doesn't feel anything for her now and its me he wants, lah-dee-da, but I just cant seem to believe him and get on with life.

I was so anxious about the whole thing. She only stayed for five minutes, didn't even have a coffee, but it was still way to long. OK, so start from the beginning. I had to make a trip to the tip and shop therefore I only arrived home as she was walking into my house. Seeing her walk into my house - my house - was enough to distract me as I parked, sorry, collided the car into the wall of the parking space. Rapidly following her in I dumped the shopping and continued into the house where I said hello and then proceeded to stare out the window at her and D as he helped her into the car with the boxes of stuff. They cant have talked for more than a few minutes but it seemed like an eternity. Trying to watch from the window but look like I wasn't purposefully watching them was hard, but I did not like the way D was playing with his hair, so I resolved to send Ali out to see her daddy and then follow her out as if I was worried about her. This seemed to interrupt them which was annoying but good as she proceeded to leave. I said goodbye, as did D and Ali, and that was it.

This 5 minutes was enough to have me completely obsessive and totally scared out of my brain that this all 'meant something' in the grand scheme of things. I have never pretended to like the fact that D had been married before, but in the beginning it didn't matter so much because we were just dating. Moving in together and having Ali happened so quickly, along with me trying to finish my degree and get a job that I have never really thought about it properly. She had cropped up in conversations before and I had not been happy about it, but I had never thought about it properly and how I felt emotionally. She was definitely no threat in terms of looks, as I had age on my side, (as far as I'm aware I have no grey hairs yet - yes!) but she was skinnier than me, which is not hard, and the whole world knows how un-confident I have become since childbearing. I couldn't help but still feel threatened, why shouldn't I feel defensive and be alert to a threat towards my family/relationship - surely that is an animal/biological instinct? All I could think as I saw her with him was - 'there was once a carnal lust and attraction between you, that could still be there; you both had sex, regularly; you were married; she has your name!'

D was so quiet for the rest of the day, I didn't know if this was good or bad and proceeded to fill the silence with more obsessiveness, which I think made things worse. So I tried to really open up to him last night. I told him how worried it made me, and how I could only assume that my fear of things being ruined between us was caused by my previous experiences of relationships - ie. my dad leaving my mum, and my ex using me while still in love with someone else. Alas he just said he understood but continued in his silence and fell asleep, so I am no further forward. I have quite a frontal headache from deliberating everything all weekend.

All things considered, I am determined to enjoy my last few days off. D has the next two days off also, so I am hoping that we can all have some quality time together, really talk about everything.