Defenses threatened

Not content with my first night of horror, I ended up watching 'Alien vs Predator' the next evening, which I knew would have me a complete nervous wreck. This sudden craving for fear and adrenaline, be it partying or scary movies, makes me wonder if I am in need of something else in my life. Before I go all happy clappy, psychology on you, I don't mean something spiritual per say, just something for me. A hobby, or past-time that could be a source of fun, interest and exhilaration, without being to life threatening. Something that would really get me excited, that I could look forward to, and that would be a release for my ever increasing stress levels. So should anyone have any ideas then they are very welcome! Of course the only other requirement is that this cannot cost much! And before anyone suggests sex, I get plenty of that thanks!

More to the point, my weekend has been interesting to say the least. Friday began with great anticipation for the evening's plans, having spent the majority of Thursday trying on outfits and attempting to decided between 'hot and slutty' and 'smart-casual and sexy'. Following lunch with my brother and father I did feel quite ill, however this was not enough to interfere with my escapades, but it did mean having to drink less! Shame.

Although late for my train and having to drive for the first part of the evening - meaning no drink full stop - the night was thoroughly enjoyed by all. Not having been out clubbing since the previous April I completely let my hair down, even though the club was just as terrible as I remember from my younger days, and virtually empty, on a Friday night? Bizarre.

I did however bump into my ex briefly as I was staying in town with a friend. He looked unhappy, I looked just fabulous, and it felt good to genuinely feel nothing for him, good about myself and happy with my partner and family. His loss, my gain and lucky escape!

So the weekend continued with an 'ex' theme as D's ex wife came to collect some belongings that were still in our loft! Now some people tell me I am a saint to have kept them thus far, but I am trying so hard not to let my jealous and psychotic streak run free at this point, and I definitely didn't want to appear childish. I spent a day and a half trying to ensure the house was spotless and gorgeous, and that me and Ali looked fantastic. My emotions, god, I cant seem to make any sense of them. D is always telling me he doesn't feel anything for her now and its me he wants, lah-dee-da, but I just cant seem to believe him and get on with life.

I was so anxious about the whole thing. She only stayed for five minutes, didn't even have a coffee, but it was still way to long. OK, so start from the beginning. I had to make a trip to the tip and shop therefore I only arrived home as she was walking into my house. Seeing her walk into my house - my house - was enough to distract me as I parked, sorry, collided the car into the wall of the parking space. Rapidly following her in I dumped the shopping and continued into the house where I said hello and then proceeded to stare out the window at her and D as he helped her into the car with the boxes of stuff. They cant have talked for more than a few minutes but it seemed like an eternity. Trying to watch from the window but look like I wasn't purposefully watching them was hard, but I did not like the way D was playing with his hair, so I resolved to send Ali out to see her daddy and then follow her out as if I was worried about her. This seemed to interrupt them which was annoying but good as she proceeded to leave. I said goodbye, as did D and Ali, and that was it.

This 5 minutes was enough to have me completely obsessive and totally scared out of my brain that this all 'meant something' in the grand scheme of things. I have never pretended to like the fact that D had been married before, but in the beginning it didn't matter so much because we were just dating. Moving in together and having Ali happened so quickly, along with me trying to finish my degree and get a job that I have never really thought about it properly. She had cropped up in conversations before and I had not been happy about it, but I had never thought about it properly and how I felt emotionally. She was definitely no threat in terms of looks, as I had age on my side, (as far as I'm aware I have no grey hairs yet - yes!) but she was skinnier than me, which is not hard, and the whole world knows how un-confident I have become since childbearing. I couldn't help but still feel threatened, why shouldn't I feel defensive and be alert to a threat towards my family/relationship - surely that is an animal/biological instinct? All I could think as I saw her with him was - 'there was once a carnal lust and attraction between you, that could still be there; you both had sex, regularly; you were married; she has your name!'

D was so quiet for the rest of the day, I didn't know if this was good or bad and proceeded to fill the silence with more obsessiveness, which I think made things worse. So I tried to really open up to him last night. I told him how worried it made me, and how I could only assume that my fear of things being ruined between us was caused by my previous experiences of relationships - ie. my dad leaving my mum, and my ex using me while still in love with someone else. Alas he just said he understood but continued in his silence and fell asleep, so I am no further forward. I have quite a frontal headache from deliberating everything all weekend.

All things considered, I am determined to enjoy my last few days off. D has the next two days off also, so I am hoping that we can all have some quality time together, really talk about everything.

Purposeful partying

Well I have started my week and a half off work by watching some horror film on TV. I am so going to have nightmares tonight. In fact I have started to blog in order to avoid having to completely focus on it. Of course some kind of in born need to see the endings to films having begun to watch them, compels me to see it through; although despite being as far from squeamish as humanly possible given my career choice, I am definitely feeling fairly sick at this point.

Last night on the contrary was a laugh a minute, as a group of us went out for a meal into Newcastle. (Keegan, Keegan!). No, not to the football, to an Italian - but in evening dresses. Which bright spark came up with that idea then? Not guilty for once. Mutton dressed as lamb comes to mind. Alas I spent most of the night holding my gorgeous, hideously expensive dress off the floor as it trailed all over the place.

Of course we thought the night had started quite well as we got parked very close to the restaurant; but it soon became apparent that it was going to go rapidly downhill as I tried to fasten the buckle on my heels on arrival, but could not reach my feet given the restraints of the fitted cleavage section to my dress. So bum in the air, sticking into the road, and legs up onto the car seat was the only way forward, not surprisingly causing a stir among drunken rowdy passers by and attracting plenty of car horns. Evidently no wolf whistles, just mocking cheers and 'oioi's' - damn.

Feeling slightly over-dressed, myself and a friend made our way to meet the others, which may sound fairly straight forward, but neither of us are exactly 'comfortable' in heels. We must have looked a shocking sight as we fumbled along to the restaurant, trying to stay upright and keep our gowns down in the wind.

Perhaps it was fate that I was driving and could not drink alcohol as our table in the restaurant was on the the third floor, two sets of stairs up, one of them a spiral staircase; and the toilets were then three flights of stairs down! So still upright on reaching our table, I decided this was an appropriate time to trial the strength of my bladder.

Nice meal, good company, met a few new interesting people. Food I'm not supposed to eat a plenty - including a pudding of course - which was nearly omitted in favour of coffee; 'aahhemm', excuse me while I nearly choke at the thought of favouring coffee over a dessert. Decision was to share a 'Death by chocolate' with a friend in order to prevent death from too many calories.

Of course consensus was to go for a drink following the meal, and who wouldn't choose a bar up a huge hill we all had to tackle in our heels? Who was making these decisions? So yes, we all geared up to climb the hill, heels in situ, despite me piping up with 'whats wrong with this bar down here?'. About a mile behind the others, myself and my friend wobbled our way up the 'mountain', my dress flying furiously about me like something on the moors from a period drama, and my friend freezing death with only a shawl round her shoulders. However we were not going to be beaten in our hard, Northern females stereotype, (manly) 'arrgggh'! Evening dress or no evening dress.

Leaving slightly earlier than the others, the two of us made our way back down the 'mountain' to the car, avoiding the subway not only for our safety but to avoid more steps, however it became too much for my friend who continued with heels removed despite my anxiety with regards to chills and getting a cold. Ridiculously I carried on in mine, getting stuck in pavement cracks and pot-holes the entire way.

So, next Friday we are endeavouring to 'party' the night away in what is reputably known as one of the worst nightclubs around. Another left-field idea which is going to have a huge group of us enduring more embarrassment to be sure. I dare say however, that I may be too bladdered to notice. The sudden improvement in my social life has me very enthusiastic. I feel it may be time for me to let go and enjoy some life again for a while, before I become completely penniless with a bigger house and enormous mortgage. In with shots and cocktails, and out with the old boring, tired me. Well, for one night anyway. I dare say I will be back to my hot-chocolate and early nights when I make acquaintance with my hangover the next day. Ironically I am going to turn up for an appointment with my nutritionist the morning after, feeling, well, terribly unwell. How humorous.

2008???

Dearest readers, who continue to read my rantings no matter how droll.

Well it is now 2008. What the hell happened there then? Where did 2007 go? I would love to write about how I partied so hard into the new year that I cant remember it happening, however that would be a bare faced lie! For the 3rd time towards the end of 2007 I was pretty sick - therefore was very much in my bed trying to sleep, well breath, through a completely snot clogged nose and throat which felt like it had been slit. All well now, and with no intention of moaning about that for any longer, I am eagerly awaiting my birthday on Tuesday. Not that I have anything particularly special planned but I do have a gorgeous dress! Yes I have splashed out on a stupendous evening dress - beautifully bought in the sale saving me £130 - yes I will repeat that - £130!! So I have already been on at D to make sure he is taking me somewhere really posh, like with a pianist in the corner or something, how exciting would that be!

Other reportings to include: The Fabulous, Unbelievably Brilliant, So Sexy Bruce Springsteen in Concert! My god, how good he was cannot even be described. It was genius rip-roaring through a microphone and being blasted into the heavens of the acoustically perfect O2 arena. No fancy lighting, special effects, costumes or stage show - just 'The Boss', commanding his stage very manfully with the ever great E-Street Band totally on form around him! Worth every penny spent. Even thinking of trying to go again!

New Years Resolutions!

1) Obviously will lose 4-5stone! (Of course I would settle for 3)

2) To get back to health/fitness so as not to get fired before even a year into my job

3) To do some charity work and give something back as clearly I'm very lucky

4) To plough on with my book/screenplay - whichever develops first

5) Do not crash car this year!

6) Remember everyone's birthdays and send cards (failed already, sorry Belle it will be late!)

7) Stay in contact with distant friends

8) Plan and save for wedding

9) Stick to resolutions