New Phase

My baby started school last week and I am of mixed emotions! She did so well on her first day, a few small hiccups but we got there in the end. It was kind of surreal. All the parents filed into the classroom with their children, with the majority of the kids fairly happy but a bit dubious about what was occurring. Then as one small girl started to cry it was like a run of domino's, as another child started to cry, then another and another, until eventually Ali's eyes began to well up too. She was merely copying what all the others were doing because she had been fine and had expressed no anxiety about going to school at all. I kissed her, hugged her, told her it would be fun, and then ran. Being there was only making it worse, and I could feel that my tears were not far away. As I left I passed a mass of hysterical children, it was purely heartbreaking. To top it off another mother who had still been there with her daughter told me two days later that Ali was kneeling on the carpet with tears streaming down her face. Guilt, guilt, guilt. But I would have been doing her no favours by staying and sobbing with her. Now two weeks in she is fine and filing in on her own after the whistle. Watching her go into school just emphasizes how quickly time is passing. She is my little baby, with whom I paced about the floor for so many nights on end. Where did the time go?

Now that we are trying again I find myself in a new situation. 'Planning' for a baby. When we found out Ali was on the way we were excited, but it was over-shadowed by worries and anxiety. We didn't live together, I hadn't completed my degree and in the grand scheme of life we had not been together for long. There is something quite spiritual and calming about purposefully trying for a baby. I can feel a nervous excitement bubbling through me, waiting for the moment we have the news so that it can explode out. I can't wait to see D's face when we do the test together this time and it tells us the good news. And I can't wait to spend every night together in bed holding the bump and feeling the kicks instead of being 2hrs away from each other, stealing brief weekends here and there. Ali is constantly asking if the baby is coming yet because we have discussed having a baby with her since making the decision. She made me laugh yesterday because she told me she had sent a wish with a fairy to name the baby the name she had picked out if it's a boy. She won't tell us what it is though! So cute!

We have discovered that mutant spiders live nearby, and now that it's getting colder the blighters are coming indoors! Now there's not a chance that I will ever touch a spider but I am normally able to catch them in a glass and put them back outdoors. These enormous specimens are hideous, they make me shiver and get nervous, and they are so incredibly fast. I think I can hand on heart say I am not going anywhere near them! Unfortunately I have passed on my phobia to Ali. She happened to witness a spider fall onto my shoulder one day and I couldn't contain my reaction, I was hysterical. So now D laughs when we both have a hissy fit every time a spider scuttles about! But these clearly genetically modified beasts are well scary! Arachnophobia at aged 8 kinda scary!

Oh, and how the opposite of jolly are the 'Jolly Phonics'! Ali is beginning to learn how to sound out words at school and recognise letters. Today I attended a workshop for parents on how to support the learning of phonics. Jolly is not the word. Trying to remain positive, we accessed some of the websites suggested by her teacher to play the games that teach the phonics. After about half an hour of s-i-t, s-a-t, i-t, a-n, t-i-p etc etc, I have quite a h-e-a-d-a-c-h-e and had to give up. I sure needed a break before we had to head back out to school for trampolining. I feel like a y-o-y-o.