Merry Christmas to everyone out there! And a happy boxing day! Anyone else feel that although Christmas is great, it seems an awful lot of organisation, hassle and flying around tryng to shop for world and his uncle, for one single day that is over in an instant? Don't get me wrong I love Christmas and we had a good day, but I am so exhausted that my body gave up and I am now suffering from the yearly horror that is 'THE COLD'. Yes, despite plying myself with Vitamin C, echinachea, and evening primrose oil; and consuming mountains of clementines; I am snotting right, left and centre, coughing, spluttering and have severely congested sinuses - not pretty (good job D made Christmas dinner!)

So far we have played 'Elefun'; with the fairy wonderland; with the 'Jungle in my Pocket'; on the 'V-Tech V-Smile'; with the Dora stickers; the craft sets; have watched Tinkerbell and Sleeping Beauty DVD; worn the Cinderella pyjamas and the matching skirt and top from NZ; we have eaten chocolates and turkey in excess, but not together; listened to Ali's kids CD player with sing along microphones - which was interesting - Ali did an encouragable version of 'Henrietta the Dancing Hippopotamus which cracked us all up; we have made things with pipe-cleaners; read Dora books; cuddled soft toys in abundance; listened to Christmas music; spoken to friends and family; and now, with Ali asleep in bed, we are all completely exhausted and have collapsed on the sofa - unmovable.

I simply cant wait to be well again to hit the sales - however inevitably everything descent will be gone again by the time I get anywhere near the shopping centre. Illness, all work and no play is making Jen a very dull girl.........

Christmas-ness and parenting politics!

So - yesterday afternoon on collecting my daughter from nursery, among all the 'art work' and letters I was given to take home, there was a list of all the children in her class. One can only assume that this means she is supposed to give out Christmas cards - at 3 and 1/2???? She has received some already, but this year I was considering giving to charity rather than distributing Christmas cards. Never mind, I am sure Ali will love it - choosing them and trying to write her name in them. It's whether I have the patience however, as cards are not my most favourite part of the 'festive season'. But the very cheek of it. Is it now expected of me? If I don't will Ali be thought less of? Will I forever be known as the 'incompetent parent'? The 'politics of parenting', they should teach this in school as part of 'Personal and social education' I think. And I thought that actually physically taking care of children would be the hardest part of parenting.

So lets see...I have a grand total of 7 days to organise these Christmas cards; in amongst working full time; organising this tip that is my home - while D works all hours trying to keep the leisure centre cafe afloat; completing the practical and essay for my 'Facilitating learning in practice' course; and of course organising a talk/presentation about being a midwife to 2 classes of 25+ GCSE students (a favour called in from a colleague of my mothers who once tutored me at no cost). Damn, I really am pushing it this time. Too much in such a short space of time. I have a sneaky feeling I will be one of the people rushing around the metro centre the weekend before Christmas trying to finish of my Xmas shopping - a little last minute.

Last night we bought and dressed our Christmas tree. Another real one because I just love the smell, although this one is not in a pot so may die before we even get to Christmas knowing my track record with plants. I bought a stand for it that will hold water - just have to be on the ball and water it now. My touch of OCD shone through as Ali was putting on the decorations and I was moving them about to ensure they were all spread out enough. And of course certain decorations had to be in certain places. I think I am getting worse each year. Myself and D are like ships that pass in the night again too. He comes in at 7pm and I got out to work at 7.30pm. Maybe this is the secret to maintaining a relationship - never seeing each other! We both have the day off Saturday so we will have to make the most of it.

It's pretty - but will mess with your life and your mind!

I hate the snow! My nerves are in tatters following a very traumatic day of simply trying to go about my business among the 6+ inches of snow plaguing my world. Why are we always so unprepared to deal with the snow? Even though I knew there was six inches of snow on my driveway, and that the path my fiance had cleared for my car to pull out into was now very much none existent; I still left no extra time when I needed to get Ali to her school Christmas performance. A wealth of curses I didn't even know I could say and a multitude of aggressive screams ensued, as I lept from the car and started frantically digging my car a clearing to follow. Having advanced no more than half a metre I had to make a hard right in reverse to get my car from its car parking space. First challenge over I slowly reversed down the drive repeating D's parting words of that morning 'reverse out of the driveway onto the main road, do not try and turn to come out forwards, you will get stuck'. I'm reversing, I'm reversing, slowly reversing, almost at the main road.......car skids, does 180, bonnet heading for neighbours wall - shit shit shit, braking not working, lump of snow halts and saves my car, about 4cm from wall - literally. Breath, breath, breath, stop swearing, stop swearing, Ali listening. After a moment to allow my pulse rate to triple, the reversing began again and it was 50-50 whether I would actually go backwards or continue forwards into the wall. By some miracle or guardian angel we made it out onto the main road and to school. Sliding, almost, into a space in the school ice-rink...er I mean car park...I made an executive decision to then abandon my car and go on foot into town for a hot chocolate while waiting for the school performance to begin. There is only so much 'car on ice skates' I can take.

Christmas play. Very cute. Ali was a donkey - as was the rest of her class???? So approximately 26 donkeys took Mary to Bethlehem, where they inhabited a stable and baby Jesus was born - to have one of the 3 kings throw Mur at him. Ha ha, I love the unpredictability of kids. Ali looked exhausted after yet another night of terrors haunting us all, but she joined in and did her part just fabulously. Yes, my daughter was an excellent donkey. (Sporting the various shades of grey clothing cobbled together from Primark so as not to break the bank - why would little girls have grey clothes? I could have easily done white angel, or tea towel clad Shepard. Nope it was grey donkey, of which they informed me two days prior to the performance - what?).

Other challenges which currently have me stumped include cropping the photos to go into the calenders I am compiling as family Christmas presents (last year all my photos were 'landscape' anyway so fit the calenders perfectly, this year they all seem to be 'portrait' and are laughing incessantly at me chanting "figure this one out, and quickly, because its nearly Christmas, and you have probably already missed to final post date to family in NZ"). Also having made no start to either the work required for my mentorship course or the presentation on 'being a midwife' I am doing for some high school kids for a friend (yes you heard that right - they are going to shoot me down), I am now panicking as the clock ticks away to the deadline for both. And of course there is the small matter of Christmas shopping of which I have completed about 1% (ie. Ali's presents). Christmas of course is followed promptly by D's 50th - any ideas will be greatly received. And who the hell told me that being cold burns calories - because I am bloody freezing and putting on more sodding weight. Ground swallow me up.

Having my uni house mates to stay was so wonderful. I can't describe how natural and how jovial life is when we are all together. It just reminds me how much I love them all and how much I miss them. It is so true that you really have no idea what great times you are having until they are gone. I had my gorgeous girls, a lovely meal, Newcastle and it s beautiful bridges and everyone with my family the following day. How could I have asked for more. The tears were unstoppable as they pulled out of the driveway to return home, South of my little place in the world. I waved and my heart broke. It's like a piece of me is missing. Girls know I love you, and we must not leave it another year and a half before we do it again!

Today's trip to Stockton on Tees has rolled up a close second to the stressful experience of visiting Middlesborough the other week. Once again I 'AA Route mapped' two thirds of the way and then became totally lost on entry into Stockton on Tees itself. In a scarily 'deja vu' moment, I found myself on one side of the river and the bloody university (where the study day was being held) on the other. Where are the transporter bridges when you need them?? Ha. You would have had to pay me to get on one of those again. And its a good job I don't have a problem with asking for directions - thank you kind staff at Halfords, that wasn't even opened yet, when I burst in flustered and mumbling this morning.

Having managed to get a place in the conference discussing 'The Impact of Sexual Violence on Health and Mental Health' after a series of emails with the organiser who managed to squeeze me in, I could not very well miss this opportunity. Road raging my way round Stockton on Tees in bus lanes and doing 'u' turns where I shouldn't be, I found my way there on the Halfords staff instruction and proceeded to sign in at 0929am - lucky lucky, one minute to spare - someone is surely watching over me! I was exhausted though. It is amazing how much energy you use simply trying to find your way! Getting up at 5am didn't help of course.

The day proved very interesting indeed. One of the speakers who addressed the topic in a midwifery and childbearing context made a very touching and thought provoking presentation that really did open my eyes to this situation in a new light and from an entirely different perspective. I dearly hope that I can use this knowledge to initiate some of the advice into practice in my own unit. You can rest assured I will be doing my best.

Buffet was disappointing. Drank too much pure juice and not enough water. Headaches and toilet trips a plenty as a result. Made some good contacts which may prove useful in the future, and the return journey was not nearly as bad. It is interesting to watch the politics of these events as well. The tension between the mental health workers and mental health/psychology theorists for example was immense - you could have easily cut the air with a knife. People watching is a very entertaining past time also. Observing individuals striving to keep their eyes open is also quite comedy, because yes as always there were dull moments too.

Strictly misbehaving

In a desperate attempt to catch up with my beloved 'Strictly Come Dancing' this week, having missed round 8 completely while attending a family gathering; I am feeling drained and wholly exhausted. Following an intense battle with BBC iplayer during which I was watching the performances a couple of seconds at a time because the episode would not download, I finally gave up and headed for 'you tube', where at least I could see the couples routines, if not the whole show. My frustration is just growing as the previous week I had only managed to catch glimpses of the show while at work in between caring for labourers on the delivery suite. I did think we were heading for disciplinary action as we all became riled up and excitable in the staff room watching Austin and Tom with our cups of tea. So if the trust receives a complaint about the 'rowdy' midwives during their labour experience one Saturday evening I will have to forward it to Claudia, Tess and Bruce! In fact I think the professional dancers should come and visit their midwifery fans at the hospital and we could distract and entertain the labourers as they try to teach the staff to foxtrot with the forceps, cha cha into a c-section and Viennese waltz with the ventouse. First dibs on Anton! In fact dancing could be the new form of induction into labour! Forget curry, pineapple and raspberry leaf tea, a brisk tango would surely do the trick!

The family weekend was thoroughly enjoyed by everyone. We abandoned the fireworks as we became rained off and soggy fireworks didn't seem entirely safe. It was so good to see my best friend again who was over visiting from Paris and became an honorary family member for the weekend. Putting the world to rights in two days came oh so naturally as always, both of us envying what the other has as opposed to appreciating where each of us are right now in our lives. There was no bad behaviour though so a night out may be called for next time. She will be returning today. I hope to see her again at Christmas, which is not too far away.

Next decision is whether to take Ali to a panto this Xmas? Not sure whats on, but I do know the cbeebies characters are coming to the metro arena mid December. Question is, can I possibly sit through several hours of such entertainment without feeling the need to commit suicide. Not sure yet. Possibly if there was a group of us. Input from fellow mammy friends required on this one I think.

I am also staying positive as this weekend coming my flatmates from uni are visiting and staying over - so excited in anticipation of an opportunity to go wild and misbehave! Here come the girls alright!

Where's the panic button???

Who would have thought that the most challenging part of trying to fit a large food shopping trip (into just under 2 hours) while Ali was at nursery, would have been finding my car in the supermarket car park. With overloaded trolley in tow I battled my way to the aisle I believed I had parked my car in, only to realise it was in the next. Now for those of you familiar with supermarket car parks you will know that there is by no means enough room to steer a trolley between cars into the next aisle. So off I trotted feeling incredibly stupid all the way down to the end of the aisle and round up to where my little car was parked. Incidentally no where near a trolley park either therefore another trip ensued back to the front of the store to replace my trolley. If only I hadn't been so honest and parked my car in one of the mother and child bays! But alas the guilt would have been too great given I had a car seat, but no child in it, at the time.

After crapping myself preparing to return to university for the first time in 2 years, I am now completely traumatised by the event. Not the day itself - the journey, as I wholeheartedly predicted. The AA Route map got me two thirds of the way, and then nothing could help me. Lost in smog-land somewhere on an industrial estate I found what I thought was the bridge I needed to cross. True to form I had found a bridge that wasn't even a proper bridge! I believe the correct terminology is 'transporter bridge'. Now given I have never seen one of these before, I was not quite prepared for its purpose. Unable to turn around and retreat I found myself on what was effectively a crane like structure with a high wire which winched and 'pullied' 9 cars on a platform across the river - hanging from wires! Wires!!! Bloody hell.....who invented that. What was wrong with a normal bridge for that given situation?? Boy was I pleased to get off that believe me. 40 minutes of searching for a car parking space led me to a back street somewhere in gangster world where my little car lay to rest under a sign which began in earnest 'motorists beware....', fabulous! Locking and securing my car as far as humanly possible, I kissed it goodbye in the event that it would no longer be there on my return, and began my search for the building to which I was due somewhere in this god forsaken place. With car where I left it and intact, the return journey led me to a spaghetti junction, during which I was praying I had managed to allocate myself to the correct lane; and following a short period of raw panic that I was travelling the wrong way along the A19 I calmed myself and realised I was seeing signs for Newcastle and the A1. Large sigh - heading back to what Ali would term 'our world'. I only have to return there once to hand in the work once this module is completed, and I sincerely hope it is the last.

DO....YOU....KNOW....WHAT....I....MEAN....????

Today I attended Ali's parents evening. Yep, that's right, parents evening at age 3 having been at nursery school for half a term. Of course it was more of an informal chat to discuss how she was settling in. Quite well according to her teacher, and strangely the word 'quiet' was mentioned. Quiet! Pah, she never shuts up at home! I rushed to collect her this afternoon as I had over slept my alarm following my night shift. Heartbreaking images of Ali looking for me as all the other parents were retrieving there kids, and being the only child left sad and waiting for me, were running through my mind. Luckily I arrived on time and as we were waiting for our appointment slot with Ali's teacher the emotional scene I had pictured in my head was happening for real to one of Ali's friends. I wanted to pick him up and hug him. He looked so upset. His childminder wasn't too late but I guess it must have crossed his mind that no-one was coming for him when he was the only one left. Well, it was enough to make me ensure I always arrive on time!

Nerves are consuming me this week as I prepare to head back to university. Training to be a mentor to midwifery students not even two years into my own practice is quite scary. Apparently you can do so anytime from one year of experience now. I guess they must be short on midwifery mentors. I only hope I don't confuse them completely, or even worse - deter them from continuing. It is quite daunting to think that I will be playing a large part in the decisions whether students are competent or not, but at least I get a chance to be a positive element in learning midwifery. I know only too well how a mentor can make or break you in each placement. If you don't get on it can lead to bad performance and zero confidence very quickly. Anxiety about the course is compounded by the fact that I have to go to North Tees Uni which is miles away - in Middlesborough, I think, and I hate driving into unknown built up areas with a passion. This has the potential to be the third car crash in three years to complete my hat trick if I don't calm down. I hear AA Route Planner and sedatives a calling!