Having my uni house mates to stay was so wonderful. I can't describe how natural and how jovial life is when we are all together. It just reminds me how much I love them all and how much I miss them. It is so true that you really have no idea what great times you are having until they are gone. I had my gorgeous girls, a lovely meal, Newcastle and it s beautiful bridges and everyone with my family the following day. How could I have asked for more. The tears were unstoppable as they pulled out of the driveway to return home, South of my little place in the world. I waved and my heart broke. It's like a piece of me is missing. Girls know I love you, and we must not leave it another year and a half before we do it again!

Today's trip to Stockton on Tees has rolled up a close second to the stressful experience of visiting Middlesborough the other week. Once again I 'AA Route mapped' two thirds of the way and then became totally lost on entry into Stockton on Tees itself. In a scarily 'deja vu' moment, I found myself on one side of the river and the bloody university (where the study day was being held) on the other. Where are the transporter bridges when you need them?? Ha. You would have had to pay me to get on one of those again. And its a good job I don't have a problem with asking for directions - thank you kind staff at Halfords, that wasn't even opened yet, when I burst in flustered and mumbling this morning.

Having managed to get a place in the conference discussing 'The Impact of Sexual Violence on Health and Mental Health' after a series of emails with the organiser who managed to squeeze me in, I could not very well miss this opportunity. Road raging my way round Stockton on Tees in bus lanes and doing 'u' turns where I shouldn't be, I found my way there on the Halfords staff instruction and proceeded to sign in at 0929am - lucky lucky, one minute to spare - someone is surely watching over me! I was exhausted though. It is amazing how much energy you use simply trying to find your way! Getting up at 5am didn't help of course.

The day proved very interesting indeed. One of the speakers who addressed the topic in a midwifery and childbearing context made a very touching and thought provoking presentation that really did open my eyes to this situation in a new light and from an entirely different perspective. I dearly hope that I can use this knowledge to initiate some of the advice into practice in my own unit. You can rest assured I will be doing my best.

Buffet was disappointing. Drank too much pure juice and not enough water. Headaches and toilet trips a plenty as a result. Made some good contacts which may prove useful in the future, and the return journey was not nearly as bad. It is interesting to watch the politics of these events as well. The tension between the mental health workers and mental health/psychology theorists for example was immense - you could have easily cut the air with a knife. People watching is a very entertaining past time also. Observing individuals striving to keep their eyes open is also quite comedy, because yes as always there were dull moments too.

Strictly misbehaving

In a desperate attempt to catch up with my beloved 'Strictly Come Dancing' this week, having missed round 8 completely while attending a family gathering; I am feeling drained and wholly exhausted. Following an intense battle with BBC iplayer during which I was watching the performances a couple of seconds at a time because the episode would not download, I finally gave up and headed for 'you tube', where at least I could see the couples routines, if not the whole show. My frustration is just growing as the previous week I had only managed to catch glimpses of the show while at work in between caring for labourers on the delivery suite. I did think we were heading for disciplinary action as we all became riled up and excitable in the staff room watching Austin and Tom with our cups of tea. So if the trust receives a complaint about the 'rowdy' midwives during their labour experience one Saturday evening I will have to forward it to Claudia, Tess and Bruce! In fact I think the professional dancers should come and visit their midwifery fans at the hospital and we could distract and entertain the labourers as they try to teach the staff to foxtrot with the forceps, cha cha into a c-section and Viennese waltz with the ventouse. First dibs on Anton! In fact dancing could be the new form of induction into labour! Forget curry, pineapple and raspberry leaf tea, a brisk tango would surely do the trick!

The family weekend was thoroughly enjoyed by everyone. We abandoned the fireworks as we became rained off and soggy fireworks didn't seem entirely safe. It was so good to see my best friend again who was over visiting from Paris and became an honorary family member for the weekend. Putting the world to rights in two days came oh so naturally as always, both of us envying what the other has as opposed to appreciating where each of us are right now in our lives. There was no bad behaviour though so a night out may be called for next time. She will be returning today. I hope to see her again at Christmas, which is not too far away.

Next decision is whether to take Ali to a panto this Xmas? Not sure whats on, but I do know the cbeebies characters are coming to the metro arena mid December. Question is, can I possibly sit through several hours of such entertainment without feeling the need to commit suicide. Not sure yet. Possibly if there was a group of us. Input from fellow mammy friends required on this one I think.

I am also staying positive as this weekend coming my flatmates from uni are visiting and staying over - so excited in anticipation of an opportunity to go wild and misbehave! Here come the girls alright!

Where's the panic button???

Who would have thought that the most challenging part of trying to fit a large food shopping trip (into just under 2 hours) while Ali was at nursery, would have been finding my car in the supermarket car park. With overloaded trolley in tow I battled my way to the aisle I believed I had parked my car in, only to realise it was in the next. Now for those of you familiar with supermarket car parks you will know that there is by no means enough room to steer a trolley between cars into the next aisle. So off I trotted feeling incredibly stupid all the way down to the end of the aisle and round up to where my little car was parked. Incidentally no where near a trolley park either therefore another trip ensued back to the front of the store to replace my trolley. If only I hadn't been so honest and parked my car in one of the mother and child bays! But alas the guilt would have been too great given I had a car seat, but no child in it, at the time.

After crapping myself preparing to return to university for the first time in 2 years, I am now completely traumatised by the event. Not the day itself - the journey, as I wholeheartedly predicted. The AA Route map got me two thirds of the way, and then nothing could help me. Lost in smog-land somewhere on an industrial estate I found what I thought was the bridge I needed to cross. True to form I had found a bridge that wasn't even a proper bridge! I believe the correct terminology is 'transporter bridge'. Now given I have never seen one of these before, I was not quite prepared for its purpose. Unable to turn around and retreat I found myself on what was effectively a crane like structure with a high wire which winched and 'pullied' 9 cars on a platform across the river - hanging from wires! Wires!!! Bloody hell.....who invented that. What was wrong with a normal bridge for that given situation?? Boy was I pleased to get off that believe me. 40 minutes of searching for a car parking space led me to a back street somewhere in gangster world where my little car lay to rest under a sign which began in earnest 'motorists beware....', fabulous! Locking and securing my car as far as humanly possible, I kissed it goodbye in the event that it would no longer be there on my return, and began my search for the building to which I was due somewhere in this god forsaken place. With car where I left it and intact, the return journey led me to a spaghetti junction, during which I was praying I had managed to allocate myself to the correct lane; and following a short period of raw panic that I was travelling the wrong way along the A19 I calmed myself and realised I was seeing signs for Newcastle and the A1. Large sigh - heading back to what Ali would term 'our world'. I only have to return there once to hand in the work once this module is completed, and I sincerely hope it is the last.

DO....YOU....KNOW....WHAT....I....MEAN....????

Today I attended Ali's parents evening. Yep, that's right, parents evening at age 3 having been at nursery school for half a term. Of course it was more of an informal chat to discuss how she was settling in. Quite well according to her teacher, and strangely the word 'quiet' was mentioned. Quiet! Pah, she never shuts up at home! I rushed to collect her this afternoon as I had over slept my alarm following my night shift. Heartbreaking images of Ali looking for me as all the other parents were retrieving there kids, and being the only child left sad and waiting for me, were running through my mind. Luckily I arrived on time and as we were waiting for our appointment slot with Ali's teacher the emotional scene I had pictured in my head was happening for real to one of Ali's friends. I wanted to pick him up and hug him. He looked so upset. His childminder wasn't too late but I guess it must have crossed his mind that no-one was coming for him when he was the only one left. Well, it was enough to make me ensure I always arrive on time!

Nerves are consuming me this week as I prepare to head back to university. Training to be a mentor to midwifery students not even two years into my own practice is quite scary. Apparently you can do so anytime from one year of experience now. I guess they must be short on midwifery mentors. I only hope I don't confuse them completely, or even worse - deter them from continuing. It is quite daunting to think that I will be playing a large part in the decisions whether students are competent or not, but at least I get a chance to be a positive element in learning midwifery. I know only too well how a mentor can make or break you in each placement. If you don't get on it can lead to bad performance and zero confidence very quickly. Anxiety about the course is compounded by the fact that I have to go to North Tees Uni which is miles away - in Middlesborough, I think, and I hate driving into unknown built up areas with a passion. This has the potential to be the third car crash in three years to complete my hat trick if I don't calm down. I hear AA Route Planner and sedatives a calling!

Today, after sleeping off my night-shift for a few hours, I watched the DVD I hired from the library I have just joined with Ali. The DVD was 'Becoming Jane', the film about Jane Austin. I was quite moved by it. I began to consider how much our society has changed in what could be considered a short period of time in long-term history. As 'courting' reduces and sexual freedom blooms, is romance meeting an untimely death? Are we losing sight of each other on a higher level amid daily comings and goings and the trials of modern life. I myself have written recently with regard to concerns about my own relationship to to that affect. But even at the beginning of my relationship the sexual desires were fulfilled before we really 'knew' each other. Most concerning is that I have brought my daughter into a generation of people whose lives, personalities and popularity are judged largely on sexual status - how absurd is that?

Flip the coin and one could argue that biology has always alluded to sexual desires ensuring the continuation of the species, it was just hidden well in the days of Miss Austin. I know I ask myself and D on a regular basis how we would react if in years to come Ali informed us she was dating someone 25 years her senior. How on earth could we disapprove of that?

Thus far in my life I have had the fortune to fall in love twice - what I define as 'love' to myself. The first ended in heart break for me and the second I believe to be very much alive but always being tested.

When I first met D he was to be my boss as I was being interviewed to be a catering assistant in a local leisure complex. Being quite young at this time, still to complete my education in the form of university, and recently left reeling from being mistreated emotionally by my previous choice of male; I was in no hurry to have the knife plunged and twisted into my heart again any time soon. What I thought was a crush driven by lustful thoughts for a considerably older man changed over a period of two years into something more intriguing. Of course I was still learning about myself and the world around me as an adult, but after two wondering years I felt that this may be something more. This time was the closest I became to the era and forbidden feelings of Miss Austin. The glances, trying to touch him 'accidentally' on purpose, non-subtle hints for a lift home. It all got lost so quickly.

Maybe I expect too much. Do I still secretly hope for the fairytale? Maybe my expectations will always exceed reality. Maybe it's not the brightest idea to ply our kids with fairy tales and make believe because they might become very disappointed later in life. However, although you wouldn't believe it from my most recent posts, ever the optimist, I choose to believe that the present is just a demon to overcome and reign triumphant against. I try to have faith that my love will hold strong, and while I anxiously debate my love life, I would put serious money on that D thinks there is nothing wrong!

Night shifts for the foreseeable future

On our way to the library (a very cost effective afternoon out), I was quite dumb-founded to be informed by my little car that it was 3 degrees in the form of an ice-alert. Ice! 3 degrees! In October.....October! And too right. It has been bloody freezing. We are now in the times of socks a well as shoes, and coats and jumpers on rather than in the car or in a bag at the ready. While the insufferable weather of winter draws ever near, I am now adapting my new love and collection of shoes by branching out into boots! Hoorah for boots!

An update on the relationship dramatics. Last night became the opportunity to right the previous weeks trauma. Although one becomes a little weary of always being the one making the effort to amend things. Perhaps wrongly I did not venture into conversation over the way I had felt recently, but focused more on intimacy and touch - something seldom found between us of late. In a flippant flirtatious remark I responded to D's 'god I ache all over, my body is old and giving up', with, 'maybe I should shoot you now and claim on your insurance'. It got a laugh - but then D almost ruined the whole situation with a mood killing 'did you here that a cat in the village was shot?!' Perfect timing. Delightful pillow talk. Well, to cut the story short we overcame the delay in 'the moment', however although the intense feeling has resolved between us, something still doesn't feel right. Not quite sure what is the right move now.

I am so excited about my night shifts tonight and tomorrow, I can hardly contain my excitement...... Very low morale at work at present. Ever increasing stress levels and ever decreasing praise for performance under difficult circumstances, combined with an emerging 'blame culture' and increasingly defensive practice. Not nice to say the least. And it is the women who will suffer - or will at least have miserable midwives! At least I didn't get the night shift with the extra hour! Be thankful for small mercies.

Slowly upward

Talk about multi-tasking. I am eating my pudding (yeah no digs about trying to lose weight please - not today), while writing this in my blog, along with listening to music (walk of life - Dire Straits), instant messaging my best friend in Paris and checking my email/facebook. What a woman hey! There's nothing like Dire Straits to drag you up from rock bottom. Second choice - Status Quo. Third choice (but my favourite really) The Boss. Because I'm 'Waitin' on a sunny day' while talking about our 'Glory Days' and 'Dancing in the Dark'. And fourth/fifth rockin' choices are Bob Sinclair - 'Rock this party' and the Fratellis 'Chelsea Dagger', because I defy anyone to try and stay still throughout these tracks. Once feeling better starts to fade, repeat cycle. If all else fails put on beautiful heeled shoes and shake hips until you have blisters, while looking at pictures of Daniel Craig. The physical pain and 'be still my beating heart' feeling will detract from the emotional pain! Guaranteed to work if you do enough dancing, in the correct manner, and have the right pictures! Let me dance, let me dance, I wanna dance like no one is watching!!!

I am so excited about seeing my best friend in November for bonfire weekend. I cannot wait. Life is so much duller without her. We can have a good old catch up, she can see Ali - who is kind of her god-daughter but we are not religious so not officially. Did I say I cant wait?!!!