"Her name was Lola....she was a challenge....for 3+ hours of my life, I built her up with cake and knife."

The giraffe has gone! Hallelujah! It has taken the best part of a week, a helping hand from a family friend and 3, almost 4, layers of paint to make it go away! We are now 'Pavillion' in colour in the lounge - it is like a warm beige colour, and the room looks twice the size! White on the ceiling has created the feeling of an extra foot on the height, and two 'African pot' looking ceramic wall lamps have set the ambiance off beautifully. (Although they do look like alien space ships when its dark!) All in all a successful redecoration project.

It was Ali's birthday a couple of Sunday's ago. She woke at exactly the same time that I began to contract the day she was born - which freaked me out! We had been up until 2am decorating and wrapping presents because I was so late home from work the night before, so I was really lethargic. Ali was buzzing though and seriously excited when she saw everything downstairs. What an array of presents!

Ali had asked for a 'Charlie and Lola' themed birthday party but could I find a Charlie and Lola birthday cake? Could I hell as like! When I realised it was going to cost approximately £60 to have one made I could have cried. So I was on to Asda quick sharp to ask about getting an image transferred onto a cake and whether I should bring it to them on disk or as a copy, but they said no as it was copyrighted! Panic -Panic -Panic. With no other option I had to have a go at it myself! Now the whole world knows I couldn't bake a cake to save my life, so what was I to do? Well, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I took a flat plain sponge cake, reconstructed it in the shape of 'Lola's' head, iced it and decorated it. No one was more surprised than me when it turned out to be absolutely fabulous! It seems that I am a genius at cake decoration! Genius mind you - not fluke! You can be the judge - praising comments always welcome!

Can someone tell me when parenting became so competitive? It's like there is this group of you and a few years ago you were all dragging each other through the hard times, going to baby massage and having coffee while the little ones were in the creche; and now its - my child is cleverer, my child can do this better, my child can do that better, and my child's party will be better than yours.... I really thought I would be above and beyond this but for some reason I can feel myself trying to better the others too, not in a planned or intentional way though, it's weird. For some reason we feel compelled to behave like this. We went to one of Ali's friends parties and she got three presents from one of her relatives - two dressing up outfits and some dressing up shoes. Some being the operative word. Not just one pair of dressing up shoes - five! And I thought Ali had loads of presents, unbelievable. My cake was better though......

Another one of my friends kids had a birthday party and Ali was invited, just Saturday gone, and it was so fabulous. She is the epitome of the phrase 'earth mother'. She recycles, eats healthily and organically and the family go on many outdoor pursuits. I mean she even used toweling nappies as opposed to disposable when her kids were small. Everything I thought I would be but definitely am not as a mother. I love her to bits though, don't get me wrong, and I don't know how she does it. Anyway, the party. On arrival to this outdoor activity centre/grange she took us up to a small hut and woodland area where there was a huge plastic ground sheet covered with pva glue pots and creative crafts and tools. The kids were given a small canvas bag to decorate themselves as a party bag - which in itself was such a great idea. Following all the impressive healthy food (even healthy carrot cake!) there was a puppet show performed by her friend, to the story of 'Cinderella Green Recycling Queen' - complete with adult jokes for the parents. So funny! And following the show, all the kids got to make a puppet for themselves. Having been on night shift just before the party and going, going and going on no sleep what so ever, I thought I would be beside myself by the afternoon. I didn't really feel it until about 3pm and I think I had just as much fun as Ali did! Worryingly it did draw out the OCD in me as I tried to get Ali to stick on a variety of shapes, colours and feathers equally spaced out and colour coordinated!

My tomatoes - oh my tomatoes...they are coming along just brilliantly. I have some starting to ripen and redden already. I am so excited! Yes I am getting my kicks from growing tomatoes! Something is seriously wrong in my life. We have had 9 cucumbers thus far and there are several peppers coming in also. Not bad for my first attempt at green fingers! Ali loves it though. She cannot wait to try the tomatoes!

'You are feeling very sleepy....no shit Sherlock!'

Well I have spent the whole of my week off flaming gardening. Not under duress but to avoid my own guilt at not helping the MIL. I cannot think of anything else that I have achieved during my 'free from work' time. I haven't even tried to do more to the sort the house out. Alas I had so many plans.....

I did visit a hypnotherapist in attempt to aid my bid to lose weight. It cost a small fortune, but I guess I am willing to try anything now. The first part of the session was more like counselling - I had to be open and honest, cried a lot and tried to figure things out with the therapist. He observed that when I picture things that upset me or made me feel 'low' I always divert my line of sight to the bottom left of my vision spectrum and by simply looking up and to the right when feeling like this, I can feel much better. Of course I thought this was ludicrous but unbelievably it actually works! So part of my homework was to practice this into daily life, and it has been very helpful so far.

The actual 'hypnosis' part, which the therapist referred to as 'trance', was weird. Primarily I was sat in a rattan chair for the whole thing, and not particularly comfortably - but maybe that was to prevent me from falling asleep! I did feel sleepy mostly. I could hear what the therapist was saying, and thankfully I felt I was always in control - that I could have stopped everything at any point. That was what I was most nervous about, so I think that relaxed me. On occasion the room felt like it was spinning but it would stop after a little while. The therapist was talking to my unconscious as if it was an entity, in a respectful way, asking it to help me and making reference to me in a complimentary, confidence building way. Thankfully there were no swinging fob watches involved, as I may have found this very hard to take seriously!

Finally before he asked me to slowly become more aware of myself and open my eyes, he told me that my unconscious would let my conscious self know that it had heard him and that it would try to help me, by creating a 'funny sensation' in my left hand. When fully 'compus mentus' he asked me how I felt, I said 'tired' and within a few minutes of talking I felt a tingling sensation in my left hand! I was like - no way - was this just me imagining it because the therapist had said it would happen? All the way down the street I had this throbbing, pulsating feeling in the centre of my upper left hand, then it stopped. To begin with I was totally freaked out, spooky was an understatement; but for the rest of the day I was just exhausted and had a fuzzy frontal headache.

That was Thursday gone. Two days on and I am not eating any less. He did say the effects would not be immediate but I still feel compelled to eat more than I should, for whatever reason. I am a little disappointed as I really thought it might help. It works for smokers trying to quit, why shouldn't it work for me? The only thing left to try is acupuncture. Of the complimentary therapies anyway. I will give it a bit longer just to be sure before I totally dismiss its effects.

Birthdays, bedding plants and boiling over!

People weren't kidding when they said that moving house was the second most stressful event of your life - only second to getting divorced, which I very nearly thought we would be. (Well, of sorts given we aren't really married). My word I haven't been able to write since March! The giraffe print wall paper has inspired me to start blogging again, so the dishes in the kitchen sink (no dishwasher) and lunch that ended up on the kitchen floor, will have to wait.

The new house is fabulous! I can't believe how much space we have! We have a little conservatory which is the 'piece de resistance'. It is ridiculous how excited I am about the fact I am growing tomatoes in my conservatory! Ever since my Gran showed me how to 'tickle' them with cotton wool to cross pollinate them when I was younger, I have been desperate to grow them. I can smell the 'tang' before they are even growing. I also have a new rattan rocking chair from Ikea, which just fits in fabulously - this is my Ali chair, a homage to my best friend not my daughter, as she gave me the vouchers for Ikea, thanks hun!

One problem however - the shower is knackered. I noticed a stain on the kitchen ceiling about three weeks into our new home, only to realise it was the shower leaking through from above. Lovely plumber man informed me that the shower was a piece of junk, held together with practically nothing and garden hose for piping. This made me want to cry, because if there is one thing I did not want to break it was the shower. Over 2 weeks of three baths a day and I was to take away. The plumber has been back and forth and luckily has made it usable - but he is not sure how long it will last. Great.

The Garden, oh the garden - primarily it is amazing to have one, but I love it, Ali loves it and D has cut the grass in it several times already! We have a built in BBQ which we have road tested and it is very efficient. We can see all the way to the river at the bottom of the valley and the sun sets over the fence to the back right of the boundary. I can't wait to sit outside on an evening (when the weather improves) and have a glass of wine while watching the sun go down.

Currently, in general, I am high on life, as I have just handed in my assignment to be a mentor to student midwives. It has been the bane of my life and I feel as if I have spent the last month on edge, sat in front of a computer, cursing while flicking through textbooks, and fobbing Ali off with DVD's. Monday 18th I came home from work, had a glass of wine, sat on the sofa, and watched TV - sublime!

Granny is staying with us and for once we are able to offer her a proper bed, in her own room, as opposed to the sofa in the living room. She is tackling the garden for us and simply couldn't wait to get started. I on the other hand could - not being the biggest fan of gardening. But I could have swung for someone when I came home yesterday. I am concerned about getting things organised for Ali's birthday, which is not a million miles away now, so headed to collect a trampoline I had found in a Bank Holiday sale at Netto. Leaving on the understanding that we were planting everything later in the day when it wasn't so hot (it was 28 degrees!) I headed off to plough my way into Kingston Park to find the Netto store; on return I found D, MIL and Ali in the garden and they had been there since I left. Both were subtly insinuating that I had gotten off lightly which put me on the defensive, then on closer inspection I observed the state of my daughter. She was almost tomato red on her neck and shoulders, burning from the midday sun. 'Have you seen Ali?' I said to D. 'She's really sun-burned'. To which I got the reply, 'Well I can't do everything you know'. Boiling over I spouted 'well you would think your burning daughter would be your priority over the garden', abruptly, and took her indoors. Not much else was said for quite some time! I was fuming! I still am.

I think we are going down the line of holding a party at home again for Ali, given that I can't afford to hire anywhere - which is a shame because that means I have to deal with the mess too. Ali has chosen a 'Charlie and Lola' themed birthday party, to which I have agreed because I secretly love Charlie and Lola too, but I cannot seem to stop feeling guilty about the children I wont be able to invite. 26 kids all with a parent would mean 52 people in my house before you even add on family and friends outside of school. Not possible. Sardines in a tin, and mayhem & chaos spring to mind. I thought it would be hard to choose which children to invite but it's not, there are some children I certainly do not want in my house; however I feel so guilty because I know how upset Ali was when she was not invited to one. What can I do though? I haven't got the space or the money to cater for them all. I really need to get this political parenting sorted!

Now back from the 'bonnie banks of Loch Lomond', we have been thrust back into reality once more. With mortgage issues, house problems and financial matters to address in the half hour before 'end of business' Friday - when we returned 'home' - there was no respite and no rest for the wicked. I won't bore you with move details. Needless to say my stress related acne is having a field day, despite the holiday!

Loch Lomond was so gorgeous. I was blown away by how beautiful it was. No wonder they wrote a song about it! I became psychotic with my camera, forcing D to stop the car every few minutes along the banks to take photos. There were some beautiful bays along the East side of the loch. No wonder D wants to move back to Scotland. A rainbow broke to the East of the loch while we had stopped at the end of the road to admire the views. We could see both ends, which I have never seen in my life before. No pots of gold, however, I was compelled to jump out of the car wearing only a tiny cardigan, in the severe driving hail stones, in an attempt to catch it on camera. Not a bad attempt, even if I say so myself. (Bottom of blog page).

Today I had my eyes tested again. A 2 yearly check up, but of course I needed 'new' glasses. New glasses to the effect of £200+! (And they were among the cheapest!) I am being bled dry this month. What with moving fees right left and centre, un-aided by my inability to set foot in the metro centre for an eye test, without leaving with 3 pairs of shoes, two DVDs and a CD. My only defence being that the shoes were only £10 each in the sale - bargain, and I couldn't live without Daniel Craig in my life any longer - so simply had to have the new bond film. No, but seriously, the eye test - when they blow the air into your eye - what is that about?? '3 times in each eye' the operator said. 12-15 times down the line and still trying to get the air into my right eye, I start to think that the lad operating the machine is beginning to despair with me - although he remains very polite. Bloody bodily defences.

The metro centre are renovating the 'yellow' section to incorporate a new cinema, bowling alley and restaurants, as part of a 'family entertainment' area. A super imposed image on the temporary wall shows people walking around in a more modernised area. It occurred to me as I walked past that all the images were of young, sexy looking men and women, so I looked a little closer. No-one was overweight, no-one was over 30, there were no pushchairs or wheel chairs, everyone was wearing 'modern', 'fashionable' clothes - the men smart and the women gorgeous. So evidently they are going to sift through the population and have an admittance/dress code for the shopping centre come re-opening. The media never ceases to amaze me.

Whether I should be admitting to this or not I am not sure, especially as I chuckled along to Radio 1 mocking it just a few weeks ago; but I am watching 'Extreme Fishing' with Robson Green. Something I thought would be really dull, that happened to be on in the background, has me strangely engrossed and tuning in weekly. I mean its no period drama or captivating documentary, but Robson becoming incredibly excited over fish is amusing to say the least, and he is quite quick witted throughout. He even gets naked from time to time, which - yes, even at his age - is worth a look! The locations are often gorgeous or interesting and the methods of fishing border on the hilarious. I mean 'Kite Fishing'???? Yes it does exactly what it says on the tin. I'm officially sad, aren't I??!!!

Retro...er....No!

A really full on, heavy duty day. Now we are mortgaged up to the eyeballs for the rest of our days, we may be able to move closer to the light (and of course that new house!). And following much negotiation relating to the structural survey comments made on our property, we can now hopefully move forward. Essential that we now do so, as Ali has not been offered a place in the school she is already in!! I mean for gods sake! She is in the nursery but cannot move into reception with her friends, because the school is over subscribed and we are technically 'out of area' until we move. Gutted is an understatement. I want to cry for her, because every second sentence she utters to me following school is about who she played with that day or who she wants to invite home sometime. This may really unsettle her, especially accompanied by moving house. My head is spinning with all the information and worry. The wine came out a while ago. It is nearly all gone, and I am a total lightweight when it comes to wine. So my apologies if I start to mis-type.

Oddly the most frustrating thing today has been my inability to find my suitcase. How in the world does one lose a large suitcase in ones house? I have looked in every plausibly big enough space, all over the house, but no case. Very weird! It may have been abducted by aliens. The lack of suitcase has led to an unorganised pile of clothes residing over one of the sofas waiting to be packed - oh, and I haven't even told you about the extra sofa. Ironically my dad was getting rid of a blue leather sofa and asked me if we wanted it to match the one we already have. Now, I don't know if I have ever mentioned how much I hate the blue leather sofa - but needless to say I was hoping the removal men might just let it drop off the back of their lorry. So now not only do I have one vile blue leather sofa - I have two! No offence dad, I appreciate it and it is proving very useful, but I am definitely going to have to plan there demise ASAP when moved.

More wine, less writing now I'm afraid.

I had to laugh.....but not at the giraffe!

With the 50th birthday celebrations now over, and the '50' confetti all hand-collected up (under Ali's instruction), we are now looking forward to our few days away in bonnie Scotland. A welcome break (no not the motorway services) overlooking the gorgeous Loch Lomond. A balcony with magnificent views over the Loch, a spa bath, a babbling brook nearby too, plenty of fresh air and open space - sounds just glorious. D was chuffed with his gift anyway. He was not so pleased with the enormous '50' balloons or '50' decorations plastered all over the lounge on his return home. I told him it could have been worse, I could have attached them to the fence and gate at the front of the house for the whole street to admire!

Recently turning 25 and D now 50 - we find ourselves again trying to 'laugh off' the age difference between us. When the answers to questions raised in general conversation happen to reflect the 70's/80's, and D clearly remembers them, there is a mutual look of 'oh god' between us, like a horrifying realisation of the severity of the 'gap' - or 'gowking great black gorge', as it should probably be referred to. D is feeling really old, although I have not really noticed any change in him over the last 5 years. I think he doesn't feel as physically able - despite me assuring him he most definitely is! No, I didn't mean it like that. Sometimes he is more prone to minor illnesses, and he get easily exhausted, but that's about it. What is a girl supposed to do when she falls in love with a guy 25 years her senior? Do you walk away or do you stick it out? Easier said than done to walk away. I couldn't. Then I certainly couldn't when Ali was on her way. I am hoping that love will be enough, but I'm heart broken we won't be growing old together.

Our offer was accepted on the house we were interested in, so when the contracts are exchanged we have a grand total of 28 days to move - yes 28 days. How in this world are we supposed to organise the move of a whole house in that time? It takes me an entire week to organise a day out somewhere. And the giraffe print wall paper in the lounge, well needless to say, that will have to go, because alone it is horrendous, but coupled with our hideous blue leather sofas it could look like a loopy 'Changing Rooms' designer has had free reign over our sitting room. Somehow I have to find a way to live with the luminous pink, 'Hollywood' downstairs toilet room, and the very bright blue, garish and shiny upstairs bathroom; because we cant afford to redecorate the whole house initially. Unless we win the lottery.....well I can dream!

From finding home to Loch Lomond

My fabulous father has bought me a sat-nav! I think he is trying to tell me something about my navigational abilities! No seriously, he knows I have problems when I leave what Ali would term 'our world'. My trips to Smoggieland and Stockton-On-Tees were proof enough of that. So I now have a TomTom. This thing could be a god-send if I can familiarise myself with how to work it! You can even choose a certain voice to give you your directions - which has had my sides splitting with laughter. You can have Darth Vader, ('you have now completed your trip to the dark side'), a farmer voice, a Barnsley accent - a whole manner of voices. (As opposed to Jane or Tim which are your initial choices). Jane is clear - but a woman, and Tim sounds gay - so I reckon I will have to download another voice. The Scottish accented voice was gorgeous, but there is a charge for this choice - obviously a better quality! I am sure we will have some fun with this new technology!

We have been house hunting again this week. It is very....draining. I felt absolutely exhausted following our run of 6 house viewings the other day. Emotional, so emotional. For me particularly. D seems to approach every house we consider as in investment, a business deal or in a financial way; where as I throw my heart and sole into imagining whether we could live there, falling in love with places we cannot have or cant afford, pondering what I would change about this bit and that bit. My mind was spinning so fast when we got back and I was 'up a height' to say the least. It took four drinks to clam me down. To top it all off I burnt the bloody roast beef we were having for dinner, which ruined the one meal we have all been able to sit and have together properly in a long time. Typical.

It's D's BIG birthday next Friday. He is not looking forward to it to say the least. I have ummd and aahhhd about what to do and get for him to celebrate. My initial surprise was a lifetime membership to the Clan McLaren Society, but that was ruined when the documentation arrived in the post addressed to both of us. He doesn't want a party or gathering, (I guess it wouldn't be the top of my list at 50 either), and we both happen to be working that day too, despite trying to swap my shifts. So my decision was a few days away in a cottage over-looking Loch Lomond. Back in Scotland, his home, but somewhere he has not yet visited. My family all contributed as no-one really knew what to get him, and short of another cabinet full of various bottles of whisky, there were no ideas being offered. Miss Indecisive tries being decisive - I hope I made the right decision. Accompanied by an Indian takeaway and a good bottle of wine - surely I cant go wrong?