Extract from my book - comments please

Childbirth

On the morning I went into labour with Ali I remember how the cat stayed very close to me. My mind threw back to Lorraine Kelly on morning TV talking about something similar happening to her when she started to contract with one of her children. The cat knew that something was going to happen, and it wasn’t long before I knew too!

Straining my eyes as it became daylight I wandered through to the bathroom, cat very close behind me. I had stomach cramps, like as if I was starting my menstrual cycle but this was nothing new, I had been experiencing these for weeks. At one point I had convinced myself that Ali was going to be 2 weeks early – I was now exactly a week overdue and becoming increasingly fed up.

No sooner had I lowered myself to the toilet, than the entire contents of my digestive tract emptied – stat – into the basin. This continued, for some time. I thought maybe I was ill. A stomach bug or I had eaten something dodgy. But as this thought drifted out of my mind the pain struck hard. Immediately contracting every 3-5minutes, thick and fast, my abdomen tightening with such strength that it made me feel sick, I prayed that I was actually labouring and not being completely pathetic. There was none of the gradual ‘build-up’ from crampy pains to increasingly strong contractions that I had been learning about for near on 3 years; no time to focus and get myself psychologically in the right ‘frame of mind’.

When my gut was empty I ‘hobbled’ back through to the bedroom, clutching my belly, where I proceeded to inform D that I was in labour – or if I wasn’t then my pain threshold was zero and I needed an epidural – now! I have never seen D move so fast. Bouncing out of the bed he quickly phoned work and returned to my side. Worried I wasn’t in labour I rang the hospital for advice. As I was told to take paracetamol and have a warm bath, I bit my tongue, ended the conversation and threw the phone across the room. I knew that advice all to well. I had regurgitated this advice on many occasions.

The perpetrator of the advice was right about one thing. I needed a wash. There was no way that I was going to set foot in a hospital and have the intimate care that was about to occur without having a shower. This was my pet hate. When you are 41 weeks pregnant, there are things that you can’t do – practicality just doesn’t allow. For example, undertaking an aerobics class or sex in the missionary position with someone other than a contortionist. Maintaining hygiene is not one of them. Adamant I would be clean on entering my labour room, I ‘puffed’ my way through the quickest shower ever and pulled on something baggy and black.

Still part of me felt I should be waiting some time before making that all important trip to the hospital, that I was going to be deemed ‘weak’ and ‘not yet in established labour’. D persuaded me otherwise as I struggled into the ‘alpha romeo’ where her forced me to sit on eight layers of towel as a precaution should my waters break. Erm…priorities!

The journey was horrendous. I couldn’t move about or breath properly because my lungs were so cramped. The 25 minute journey seemed like an eternity but then suddenly we were there at the maternity unit. I had done a week as an elective placement in the same maternity unit and knew it was a good hospital, and I knew just the midwife I was going to ask for.

Stopping every so often to breath and moan, as we worked our way through the corridors, I remember everyone staring – I knew they were thinking ‘rather you than me’, and ‘will she get there in time’, but it didn’t affect me for long as the next wave of agony would rupture into full force and I would be clinging onto something as if for dear life.

On the labour ward I was taken to the ‘admission room’ – the room we take people when we don’t believe they are in established labour. I wanted to cry. Surely this much pain had to mean I was in labour or they were going to have to knock me out.

6cm – hoorah – now give me the damn gas and air! I was moved to a labour room where the midwife gave me the entonox, which I virtually snatched from her. Ironically the midwife I had hoped for was not working that day, but I had a lovely midwife, for what I remember of her.

It took a while to get changed into my nightie (why we all feel the need to birth in nightie’s is still beyond me) as I didn’t have much time between contractions. They were getting closer together and certainly increasingly painful. It is so hard to explain the pain. Intense, crippling, extreme, severe, relentless. In my native Geordie language ‘it bloody knacks like nothing I’ve ever felt in my entire life’. In truth I caved and could not cope with it any longer. At 6 cm I could be another 5 hours in labour at least, if I were to progress an average of a cm an hour as the ‘books’ relate. I didn’t think for a second I would last that long.
Just my luck – No diamorphine. I didn’t want the pethidine but I had to have something so I agreed. Big mistake. Big, big mistake.

Communication central

Mother has been on the phone ranting about her stubborn mother, my gran. She is hilariously making a mountain out of a mole hill again - not realising that she is being just as obnoxious, because neither of them are willing to change their plans for each other! So this is what I have to look forward to as I age! At least D will be long gone by then and wont have to endure me through it!

Gran has been on the phone, Ali's great grandmother. We are visiting her tomorrow. She lives in Cumbria about 2 hours from here. Have reassured her we will come as early as possible, but will ring her in the morning as we are leaving (or she will have kittens worrying about us).

Mother in Law has been on the phone. She is moving to a new flat over the next few days with Atholl Davidson - the movers, not her brother - and she is having someone come to measure for carpets. Mmmhmmmm.

Good friend of mine from uni called. Lots to catch up on. Phone battery now dead.

D is watching the football - no conversation from him, therefore its just as well everybody is ringing. I wouldn't dream of even trying to talk to him, it would be like drawing blood from a stone.

My brother has not answered my text or phoned- guessing girlfriend is still there!

Let me.....entertain you!

In a united front to battle this cold and misery (ok, so the latter may be a little dramatic); we decided to go to the circus and have some fun! A totally animal free circus I might add! Ali was very excited, yet she kept forgetting what it was called and repeated 'when we go to the.....', awaiting my entry of circus to complete her enquiries. I have to admit I was also quite excited. I think it was the anticipation of seeing her enjoying our day out. We went with some friends, so there was a little man of her age with us too.

Not quite in the spirit of things I spent the first part of the show trying to work out where the third 'ring' was in 'Uncle Sam's American Three Ring Circus', as under my observation there were only two. However I do need my eyes testing again. My next goal was to position us on our chairs without them tipping forward - which I decided was going to be near impossible. After diverting the children's attention from the expensive strobe light toys to the start of the show, we were entertained by a steady stream of acts; an eclectic mix of slap-stick comedy to poor taste performances bordering very close to inappropriate humour, with a few actual circus tricks in for good measure - so that they could actually call it a circus.

To ensure you do no think me too cynical in this world of children's entertainment, there were some very good heart stopping acts within the show. I was extremely impressed by the roller-skating duo who circled a silver platform about 2 metres in diameter, 'flinging' each other in all sorts of directions. At one point when the male of the partnership attached a strap to his neck and proceeded to attach it to his partners head, I could feel the intensity inside myself. Spinning her round at increasing rate she then began to spin round herself mid air on an axis placed in the centre of the strap. The volume of the audience was enough to demonstrate the success of the trick. No trapeze or tight-rope though, much to my dismay.

Finale time did not fail to deliver as well. Unbelievably three guys on motorbikes entered a metal sphere cage and performed an array of tricks inside with very little space between them! I am convinced that I actually heard two of them clip each other slightly at one point. Fantastic finish. Well, the kids loved most of it and that was the whole point - so successful trip out overall.

On a more adult entertainment level - I have spent a small fortune on a dirty night away for me and D in celebration of our 5 years together. A package entitled 'Moonlight n Vermont' - to include champagne and canapes on arrival, a three course evening meal, the nights stay in the Vermont Hotel (Newcastle Quayside - 4 star), breakfast the next morning - and the best bit - check out time of 7pm! What on earth are we going to do all day.......?

I must end this post. I can no longer fight the tears now welling in my eyes because Nemo's mother has just been killed by the barracuda.

Rage

Gutted - the house that I hoped to place an offer on when ours sold is no longer on the market. They have not sold it but have decided not to continue to attempt to sell. I had fallen in love with it. I could see us all in it. Ali in the garden with a trampoline at the bottom, playing around without me having to worry about her. Having friends around for dinner, sitting together at night watching TV. A sink that Ali can actually reach to wash her hands after going to the toilet! Bloody nightmare. I am so furious with the whole damn situation. Somebody just buy this house so I can get the hell out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the background the TV is showing a programme about staying a virgin until your wedding day! Jesus (yeah it is pretty religious) - in my case I would be waiting to infinity and beyond. Although completely ludicrous, I did get quite emotional. Something they said relating to the relationships these girls have with their dad really broke me. But the word 'warped' came to mind. And these girls are indoctrinated into protecting their virginity from the age of about 6. Six. How can a six year old make any kind of informed decision about her future relationships. Six. They have a ball every year to celebrate it. The world has gone mad. Or America has. Or always has been. (All feelings expressed in this blog are simply my opinion based solely on impression/observation and in no way represent fact or even a particularly researched insight into topics discussed - do not sue me I have no money!)

Generally in a shitty mood tonight. Aside from being gutted and emotional, my throat feels like its on fire (and not in a good way), my wisdom teeth are throbbing (wisdom has nothing to do with it), and my head is pounding and so tight to the frontal area it might explode. So sitting here in front of the computer is not going to help.

Bloody madness!

I wish I could sing 'working nine to five', but its more 'working 24/7, what a way to stop you living' at the moment! Having finished my seventh day in a row I collapsed in a heap on the sofa tonight and fell asleep, while my good as gold daughter watched 'ceebeebies' quietly and allowed me to nap. Waking to 'Chris and Poi' singing about 'the time is now, to say goodnight, to say goodnight till the morning light', I realised my poor neglected daughter had had no evening meal and hadn't even complained. Rustling up some pasta very quickly, my mind returned to a woman I was caring for earlier today. For some unknown reason I still seem to have difficulty distancing myself from certain cases. Because I care for the women I look after I often bring home my worries and fears for them. I have to find some way of putting these aside from my home life. At the minute it is just healthy 'caring for people', but it could easily drive me bonkers. No doubt I will be ringing in the morning to find out how she is doing!

Super-dad swooped in again today to rescue our 'lack of childcare' situation. Thank you super-dad! Incidentally Ali loves spending time with her Grandad, which helps! He always had a way of being completely entertaining to kids. And he really can make up a song on the spot about absolutely anything!

The whole world and their dogs, yes dogs, seem to be getting married, except for me! To say I am jealous at this stage would be a gut-wrenching understatement. A colleague at work brought in her wedding photos today, (for which she paid over a grand!), and she looked so unbelievably happy, and so beautiful. She said herself that she had been lucky enough to love two people across her life time and why shouldn't she celebrate loving someone all over again. Hear here!

So, hilariously, I have bought a 'step' and step aerobics DVD! Ha! - because the mountain must come to Mohammad as Mohammad can't get to the mountain (or in this case the gym!). I have taken decisive action to do something about my weight, without spending any money which will be needed for new house and wedding, on abdominal surgery! The fact that I am trying to persuade myself to get up half an hour earlier EVERY DAY to do at least part of the dvd is most comical. The majority of days I already get up at 0530hrs! So with 5 mins to get kit on and half an hour to do it that means 0455hrs. Am I bloody mad! No doubt in a few months I will be sporting such improved tone and fitness, I will be 'sprinting' down to the local sports store to purchase an 'up the bum' leotard, so I can show off my 'Call on me' moves!

Me and D are having a well deserved night out tomorrow, a meal and a flick. Surprisingly D came home one evening and stated he was keen to see the 'Mamma Mia' movie, so scraping my jaw up from the floor I arranged it before he had a chance to change his mind. Uncle Iain is babysitting - lucky Uncle Iain! This I am sure will be an experience for him, having only minded her during the day previously and having never had to put her to bed! He has already decided he will unlikely have kids on the basis of my daughter and his niece! This might just finish him and make his mind up once and for all! Good luck to him!

It's been a long time......

To say it has been a long time since I last wrote is a bit of an understatement. January. It is now the middle of July, that's nearly half a year. So aside from stating the obvious, we have some catching up to do.

This year did not begin so well for us all, which is why I took some time out from writing. My feelings were unclear, as many emotions took over all of us. Petty worries like ex-wives became insignificant as D's father, who had been diagnosed with cancer over the Christmas period, became ill very quickly, with March approaching. We had already made plans to fly out to New Zealand at the end of March as his initial diagnosis had given him up to 6 months. March was upon us when it became clear that his time was coming very quickly. Doctors had been advising D's sister, who also lives out there, to wait for further tests before getting us out there too - so we adhered to their advice. Despite a last minute attempt to move our flights forward it was too late and he had gone within 2 days of his health becoming drastically more concerning. So D had not seen his father in 4 years and his father had never met his grand-daughter or new daughter-in-law to be.

Full of bitterness and anger we made the horrendous and long trip out to NZ for the funeral with my almost 3 year old daughter in tow, whose excitement quickly turned to boredom. The trip and meeting with rest of D's family on the other side of the world, which I had looked forward to for years, became three weeks of tears, tough times and goodbyes. Guilt and anger virtually silenced D and I barely knew how to grieve for the father in law I had never physically met. While there I turned to my writing for comfort in the absence of my own family and friends for support. I wrote to D's father in an attempt make peace with myself over what had happened, however D is still far from peace himself.

I am not a religious person, but I do feel I have what I can only term as 'faith'. I do not know 'what in' and I don't think there is a being which I believe represents this 'faith'; but I think most people, including me, would like to believe there is 'something' or 'someplace' greater than this reality. If we are right and there is such a place, then I hope he is there at peace himself.

Ali however thought the 'holiday' was fantastic. D's relatives have a lot of land and she and her cousin just ran around all day. She had so much freedom, I felt so cruel when we got back home and had so many restrictions and rules to reinforce.

Prior to leaving we had our loft conversion completed, which all needed decorating on return, so we went from exhaustion from travelling and anxiety, to knackered from all the work which was being done. If I never see a paintbrush in a million years it will be to soon!

We are back into reality now and a few months on, slowly feeling better. Financial pressures are getting us down, but Ali keeps us going with her comedy comments. She did a classic the other day when we visited the new Marks and Spencer in Hexham. As we past the tights for sale, demonstrated by manikin legs she very loudly decided to ask 'why are those legs kicking mammy?' which cracked me up and several of the sales staff also.

The economy is hitting us hard, as it is with most of the population. Our house just will not sell due to the ? recession, ? no recession problems, and don't even start me on a rant about the petrol prices. So, I'm watching the news for the first time in ages last night and I have tuned in just in time to see Gordon Brown at the meeting of world leaders, swinging on his revolving chair as if he is 7 years old. Our prime minister, who is 'running' this country. The mind boggles.

Defenses threatened

Not content with my first night of horror, I ended up watching 'Alien vs Predator' the next evening, which I knew would have me a complete nervous wreck. This sudden craving for fear and adrenaline, be it partying or scary movies, makes me wonder if I am in need of something else in my life. Before I go all happy clappy, psychology on you, I don't mean something spiritual per say, just something for me. A hobby, or past-time that could be a source of fun, interest and exhilaration, without being to life threatening. Something that would really get me excited, that I could look forward to, and that would be a release for my ever increasing stress levels. So should anyone have any ideas then they are very welcome! Of course the only other requirement is that this cannot cost much! And before anyone suggests sex, I get plenty of that thanks!

More to the point, my weekend has been interesting to say the least. Friday began with great anticipation for the evening's plans, having spent the majority of Thursday trying on outfits and attempting to decided between 'hot and slutty' and 'smart-casual and sexy'. Following lunch with my brother and father I did feel quite ill, however this was not enough to interfere with my escapades, but it did mean having to drink less! Shame.

Although late for my train and having to drive for the first part of the evening - meaning no drink full stop - the night was thoroughly enjoyed by all. Not having been out clubbing since the previous April I completely let my hair down, even though the club was just as terrible as I remember from my younger days, and virtually empty, on a Friday night? Bizarre.

I did however bump into my ex briefly as I was staying in town with a friend. He looked unhappy, I looked just fabulous, and it felt good to genuinely feel nothing for him, good about myself and happy with my partner and family. His loss, my gain and lucky escape!

So the weekend continued with an 'ex' theme as D's ex wife came to collect some belongings that were still in our loft! Now some people tell me I am a saint to have kept them thus far, but I am trying so hard not to let my jealous and psychotic streak run free at this point, and I definitely didn't want to appear childish. I spent a day and a half trying to ensure the house was spotless and gorgeous, and that me and Ali looked fantastic. My emotions, god, I cant seem to make any sense of them. D is always telling me he doesn't feel anything for her now and its me he wants, lah-dee-da, but I just cant seem to believe him and get on with life.

I was so anxious about the whole thing. She only stayed for five minutes, didn't even have a coffee, but it was still way to long. OK, so start from the beginning. I had to make a trip to the tip and shop therefore I only arrived home as she was walking into my house. Seeing her walk into my house - my house - was enough to distract me as I parked, sorry, collided the car into the wall of the parking space. Rapidly following her in I dumped the shopping and continued into the house where I said hello and then proceeded to stare out the window at her and D as he helped her into the car with the boxes of stuff. They cant have talked for more than a few minutes but it seemed like an eternity. Trying to watch from the window but look like I wasn't purposefully watching them was hard, but I did not like the way D was playing with his hair, so I resolved to send Ali out to see her daddy and then follow her out as if I was worried about her. This seemed to interrupt them which was annoying but good as she proceeded to leave. I said goodbye, as did D and Ali, and that was it.

This 5 minutes was enough to have me completely obsessive and totally scared out of my brain that this all 'meant something' in the grand scheme of things. I have never pretended to like the fact that D had been married before, but in the beginning it didn't matter so much because we were just dating. Moving in together and having Ali happened so quickly, along with me trying to finish my degree and get a job that I have never really thought about it properly. She had cropped up in conversations before and I had not been happy about it, but I had never thought about it properly and how I felt emotionally. She was definitely no threat in terms of looks, as I had age on my side, (as far as I'm aware I have no grey hairs yet - yes!) but she was skinnier than me, which is not hard, and the whole world knows how un-confident I have become since childbearing. I couldn't help but still feel threatened, why shouldn't I feel defensive and be alert to a threat towards my family/relationship - surely that is an animal/biological instinct? All I could think as I saw her with him was - 'there was once a carnal lust and attraction between you, that could still be there; you both had sex, regularly; you were married; she has your name!'

D was so quiet for the rest of the day, I didn't know if this was good or bad and proceeded to fill the silence with more obsessiveness, which I think made things worse. So I tried to really open up to him last night. I told him how worried it made me, and how I could only assume that my fear of things being ruined between us was caused by my previous experiences of relationships - ie. my dad leaving my mum, and my ex using me while still in love with someone else. Alas he just said he understood but continued in his silence and fell asleep, so I am no further forward. I have quite a frontal headache from deliberating everything all weekend.

All things considered, I am determined to enjoy my last few days off. D has the next two days off also, so I am hoping that we can all have some quality time together, really talk about everything.