Defenses threatened

Not content with my first night of horror, I ended up watching 'Alien vs Predator' the next evening, which I knew would have me a complete nervous wreck. This sudden craving for fear and adrenaline, be it partying or scary movies, makes me wonder if I am in need of something else in my life. Before I go all happy clappy, psychology on you, I don't mean something spiritual per say, just something for me. A hobby, or past-time that could be a source of fun, interest and exhilaration, without being to life threatening. Something that would really get me excited, that I could look forward to, and that would be a release for my ever increasing stress levels. So should anyone have any ideas then they are very welcome! Of course the only other requirement is that this cannot cost much! And before anyone suggests sex, I get plenty of that thanks!

More to the point, my weekend has been interesting to say the least. Friday began with great anticipation for the evening's plans, having spent the majority of Thursday trying on outfits and attempting to decided between 'hot and slutty' and 'smart-casual and sexy'. Following lunch with my brother and father I did feel quite ill, however this was not enough to interfere with my escapades, but it did mean having to drink less! Shame.

Although late for my train and having to drive for the first part of the evening - meaning no drink full stop - the night was thoroughly enjoyed by all. Not having been out clubbing since the previous April I completely let my hair down, even though the club was just as terrible as I remember from my younger days, and virtually empty, on a Friday night? Bizarre.

I did however bump into my ex briefly as I was staying in town with a friend. He looked unhappy, I looked just fabulous, and it felt good to genuinely feel nothing for him, good about myself and happy with my partner and family. His loss, my gain and lucky escape!

So the weekend continued with an 'ex' theme as D's ex wife came to collect some belongings that were still in our loft! Now some people tell me I am a saint to have kept them thus far, but I am trying so hard not to let my jealous and psychotic streak run free at this point, and I definitely didn't want to appear childish. I spent a day and a half trying to ensure the house was spotless and gorgeous, and that me and Ali looked fantastic. My emotions, god, I cant seem to make any sense of them. D is always telling me he doesn't feel anything for her now and its me he wants, lah-dee-da, but I just cant seem to believe him and get on with life.

I was so anxious about the whole thing. She only stayed for five minutes, didn't even have a coffee, but it was still way to long. OK, so start from the beginning. I had to make a trip to the tip and shop therefore I only arrived home as she was walking into my house. Seeing her walk into my house - my house - was enough to distract me as I parked, sorry, collided the car into the wall of the parking space. Rapidly following her in I dumped the shopping and continued into the house where I said hello and then proceeded to stare out the window at her and D as he helped her into the car with the boxes of stuff. They cant have talked for more than a few minutes but it seemed like an eternity. Trying to watch from the window but look like I wasn't purposefully watching them was hard, but I did not like the way D was playing with his hair, so I resolved to send Ali out to see her daddy and then follow her out as if I was worried about her. This seemed to interrupt them which was annoying but good as she proceeded to leave. I said goodbye, as did D and Ali, and that was it.

This 5 minutes was enough to have me completely obsessive and totally scared out of my brain that this all 'meant something' in the grand scheme of things. I have never pretended to like the fact that D had been married before, but in the beginning it didn't matter so much because we were just dating. Moving in together and having Ali happened so quickly, along with me trying to finish my degree and get a job that I have never really thought about it properly. She had cropped up in conversations before and I had not been happy about it, but I had never thought about it properly and how I felt emotionally. She was definitely no threat in terms of looks, as I had age on my side, (as far as I'm aware I have no grey hairs yet - yes!) but she was skinnier than me, which is not hard, and the whole world knows how un-confident I have become since childbearing. I couldn't help but still feel threatened, why shouldn't I feel defensive and be alert to a threat towards my family/relationship - surely that is an animal/biological instinct? All I could think as I saw her with him was - 'there was once a carnal lust and attraction between you, that could still be there; you both had sex, regularly; you were married; she has your name!'

D was so quiet for the rest of the day, I didn't know if this was good or bad and proceeded to fill the silence with more obsessiveness, which I think made things worse. So I tried to really open up to him last night. I told him how worried it made me, and how I could only assume that my fear of things being ruined between us was caused by my previous experiences of relationships - ie. my dad leaving my mum, and my ex using me while still in love with someone else. Alas he just said he understood but continued in his silence and fell asleep, so I am no further forward. I have quite a frontal headache from deliberating everything all weekend.

All things considered, I am determined to enjoy my last few days off. D has the next two days off also, so I am hoping that we can all have some quality time together, really talk about everything.

Purposeful partying

Well I have started my week and a half off work by watching some horror film on TV. I am so going to have nightmares tonight. In fact I have started to blog in order to avoid having to completely focus on it. Of course some kind of in born need to see the endings to films having begun to watch them, compels me to see it through; although despite being as far from squeamish as humanly possible given my career choice, I am definitely feeling fairly sick at this point.

Last night on the contrary was a laugh a minute, as a group of us went out for a meal into Newcastle. (Keegan, Keegan!). No, not to the football, to an Italian - but in evening dresses. Which bright spark came up with that idea then? Not guilty for once. Mutton dressed as lamb comes to mind. Alas I spent most of the night holding my gorgeous, hideously expensive dress off the floor as it trailed all over the place.

Of course we thought the night had started quite well as we got parked very close to the restaurant; but it soon became apparent that it was going to go rapidly downhill as I tried to fasten the buckle on my heels on arrival, but could not reach my feet given the restraints of the fitted cleavage section to my dress. So bum in the air, sticking into the road, and legs up onto the car seat was the only way forward, not surprisingly causing a stir among drunken rowdy passers by and attracting plenty of car horns. Evidently no wolf whistles, just mocking cheers and 'oioi's' - damn.

Feeling slightly over-dressed, myself and a friend made our way to meet the others, which may sound fairly straight forward, but neither of us are exactly 'comfortable' in heels. We must have looked a shocking sight as we fumbled along to the restaurant, trying to stay upright and keep our gowns down in the wind.

Perhaps it was fate that I was driving and could not drink alcohol as our table in the restaurant was on the the third floor, two sets of stairs up, one of them a spiral staircase; and the toilets were then three flights of stairs down! So still upright on reaching our table, I decided this was an appropriate time to trial the strength of my bladder.

Nice meal, good company, met a few new interesting people. Food I'm not supposed to eat a plenty - including a pudding of course - which was nearly omitted in favour of coffee; 'aahhemm', excuse me while I nearly choke at the thought of favouring coffee over a dessert. Decision was to share a 'Death by chocolate' with a friend in order to prevent death from too many calories.

Of course consensus was to go for a drink following the meal, and who wouldn't choose a bar up a huge hill we all had to tackle in our heels? Who was making these decisions? So yes, we all geared up to climb the hill, heels in situ, despite me piping up with 'whats wrong with this bar down here?'. About a mile behind the others, myself and my friend wobbled our way up the 'mountain', my dress flying furiously about me like something on the moors from a period drama, and my friend freezing death with only a shawl round her shoulders. However we were not going to be beaten in our hard, Northern females stereotype, (manly) 'arrgggh'! Evening dress or no evening dress.

Leaving slightly earlier than the others, the two of us made our way back down the 'mountain' to the car, avoiding the subway not only for our safety but to avoid more steps, however it became too much for my friend who continued with heels removed despite my anxiety with regards to chills and getting a cold. Ridiculously I carried on in mine, getting stuck in pavement cracks and pot-holes the entire way.

So, next Friday we are endeavouring to 'party' the night away in what is reputably known as one of the worst nightclubs around. Another left-field idea which is going to have a huge group of us enduring more embarrassment to be sure. I dare say however, that I may be too bladdered to notice. The sudden improvement in my social life has me very enthusiastic. I feel it may be time for me to let go and enjoy some life again for a while, before I become completely penniless with a bigger house and enormous mortgage. In with shots and cocktails, and out with the old boring, tired me. Well, for one night anyway. I dare say I will be back to my hot-chocolate and early nights when I make acquaintance with my hangover the next day. Ironically I am going to turn up for an appointment with my nutritionist the morning after, feeling, well, terribly unwell. How humorous.

2008???

Dearest readers, who continue to read my rantings no matter how droll.

Well it is now 2008. What the hell happened there then? Where did 2007 go? I would love to write about how I partied so hard into the new year that I cant remember it happening, however that would be a bare faced lie! For the 3rd time towards the end of 2007 I was pretty sick - therefore was very much in my bed trying to sleep, well breath, through a completely snot clogged nose and throat which felt like it had been slit. All well now, and with no intention of moaning about that for any longer, I am eagerly awaiting my birthday on Tuesday. Not that I have anything particularly special planned but I do have a gorgeous dress! Yes I have splashed out on a stupendous evening dress - beautifully bought in the sale saving me £130 - yes I will repeat that - £130!! So I have already been on at D to make sure he is taking me somewhere really posh, like with a pianist in the corner or something, how exciting would that be!

Other reportings to include: The Fabulous, Unbelievably Brilliant, So Sexy Bruce Springsteen in Concert! My god, how good he was cannot even be described. It was genius rip-roaring through a microphone and being blasted into the heavens of the acoustically perfect O2 arena. No fancy lighting, special effects, costumes or stage show - just 'The Boss', commanding his stage very manfully with the ever great E-Street Band totally on form around him! Worth every penny spent. Even thinking of trying to go again!

New Years Resolutions!

1) Obviously will lose 4-5stone! (Of course I would settle for 3)

2) To get back to health/fitness so as not to get fired before even a year into my job

3) To do some charity work and give something back as clearly I'm very lucky

4) To plough on with my book/screenplay - whichever develops first

5) Do not crash car this year!

6) Remember everyone's birthdays and send cards (failed already, sorry Belle it will be late!)

7) Stay in contact with distant friends

8) Plan and save for wedding

9) Stick to resolutions

I know how he feels!

As I am sitting in the GP surgery listening to the instrumental 'jazz' versions of modern songs, typically heard in the Coop supermarket, I am reading a magazine article about best friends and the extent that they have gone to to support their mates. One woman has donated her eggs to her pal who couldn't conceive, one has saved another's daughter from a freak accident, and another has left her job to care for her best friend while she is debilitated by a severe illness. My eyes welling up, I am fighting back the tears so as not to appear like a fool in front of the whole waiting room, but I begin to realise that I have become an emotional wreck of late.

Mood swings are understatement of the week, and the tantrums my daughter has been having so clearly originate from me! Swinging off the handle at the slightest of things. The poor sales rep who phoned one evening to try and convince me that I needed life insurance must not have known what hit him, as I started ranting that this had been the fifth phone call of the evening from reps like himself, that it was 2030pm therefore it was wholly inappropriate to be ringing anyway, and that if I wanted life insurance - which actually I do eventually - I would be investigating the market myself anyhow. Of course having been trained well he mustered up a faint 'sorry to have bothered you' and 'thank you for your time', before hanging up and prompting a huge wave of guilt to sweep through me.

And before you say it, I am not pregnant. Although I have no idea what in gods name my hormones are doing these days I can at least be assured I am not about to go through another 9 months of misery and no sleep. I seem to be having an everlasting menstrual period, for almost a month now, teamed with its Pre-menstrual tension, Menstrual tension and Post-menstrual tension to boot. This is unfortunate for D as he now often comes home to me storming about the place with a face on and a voice like thunder, making him feel the need to turn and run like a bat out of hell! And poor Ali is so confused because one minute I am smiling and laughing with her; then I am in tears and shes saying 'don't be sad mammy' while cuddling me; then I am furious and shouting for some reason or another; which is sharply followed by the unresponsive me who is just sick of this roller coaster and fed up with having to fight all the time to try and make things better, only to be knocked down at every hurdle, despite every effort that is being made!

You have not heard from me for a while and quite possibly you are now wishing I hadn't started writing again. I tried to blame it on writers block! The truth of it is that I have been on so many emotional highs and lows recently that those who don't know me probably would have questioned whether I was on drugs. Although not physically worn out, mental deliberating and anxiety has exhausted my mind, to the point where on an evening I sit mind-numbed either staring and some rubbish on TV that I am not really watching, or I drink profusely and pretend to do something on the computer.

Sometimes its not even major issues that have me so mad. It is the little things that grate on me on a daily basis, but they don't seem to bother D so it is so hard to make him understand. For example; I am coming home from work it has been a shitty, stressful day as per usual and it is freezing, windy and raining. The back windscreen wiper on my car still doesn't work as I have not been able to get it to the garage yet, it also needs a service and keeps stalling and wont go into reverse gear without a bicep work out (no not even I am that bad at driving, it is the car!). When I eventually get home having picked Ali up from the childminders, during which we have a battle while trying to get her strapped into her car seat; I nearly snap my neck twisting round trying to reverse into the car parking space (when eventually the car decides to let me put it into reverse), and when we get in the house it is bloody freezing because the fire has not been on all day and we don't have gas central heating! I return to pick up the bags from the porch where I dropped them all as I caught my leg on the pedal of the bike that stands in the way there, (because it has no where else to go), prompting a whole array of colourful language to try and say quietly in an attempt to bring up my daughter correctly. Once troops and baggage are safely inside I start the fire leaving all coats in situ until it at least warms the living room a touch. Incidentally the fire decides it doesn't really want to go so I sit for half and hour holding a piece of newspaper across the front to try and force it to. Once again Ali requests Cbeebies on the TV, so a background noise of annoying songs and characters ensues, while I feel terribly guilty for having used the TV as a babysitter for almost every day that week, so much so that we have seen all the episodes which are broadcast and could probably recite them. Losing count of how many times Ali has said 'mammy' since we arrived home I retreat into the kitchen to try and start a meal for myself and D, and rapidly put the oven on to warm up the kitchen, even though I only need the rings! While trying to set the tumble dryer going (because we don't have enough rooms to use radiators), I forget that the door has been hanging on for its life and manage to rip the whole thing off - luckily it still goes if you force it back on - and Ali is telling me she doesn't like her furry slippers and promptly walks around barefoot as she has removed her socks telling me they are dirty. I try to explain to her it is too cold not to have anything on her feet while putting the slippers back on, and re-placing her into the living room where it is warmest and wiping the stream of snot from her nose. When eventually the coats have come off and I go to hang them up in the front porch, it quickly comes to light that a small flood has come through the ceiling - a regular event in bad weather - which requires a few towels and rapid rearranging of the contents of this area. I go to place Ali's pyjamas on the radiator to warm and immediately change my mind as I see the various items of clothing that have become stuck behind it which I have been unable to retrieve due to the overhang of the windowsill. I instead opt for the fireguard thinking I have moved it far enough back so as not to mark them, however on return they have already started to singe. The cats are fighting in the background too now as the little male cat is getting horny already and continues to pounce on the female cats bottom, so I bellow at them until my throat hurts and then decide the only action which will solve the problem is to separate them. Difficult when there is such a lack of rooms. Out into the rain for some coal for the fire, passing the mountain of ironing in the utility which is enough to make anyone cry, there appears to be another dead rodent of some kind on the mat in the back porch with all its organs carefully layed out, proving that actually the female cat is most definitely a surgeon. Having cleared this up I can only look at the un-started tea and pile of dishes from that morning still in the sink as D pulls up the drive to join the chaos and frustratingly he glides his even longer car into the spot behind mind. When he tuts at the kitchen as if I have done nothing, I have to keep my hands in my non-existent pockets to prevent myself from punching his lights out and following a small protest that I have been trying to do them but have had a few distractions, I retreat into the living room feeling a total failure as a 'housewife' and mother while he bangs and crashes through the mess as if to make a point. This is not a one off kind of occurrence, this is almost every night of the week! Enough said?So just in case you haven't heard enough of my moaning yet, you can believe my utter horror when we have the first offer on our house in like what seems like a million years, only to find out it is £20000 less than the asking price, £30000 less than it was originally placed on the market for. After initially refusing this offer in the hope they might come back to us with a little more we decided to visit our local mortgage advisor who was resident within an estate agent himself. The brunt of his advice was that if the market continues to plummet we may not even get that offer again, losing out even more. Is this not what I have been saying for about the past year??? So finally David convinced that we may need to cut and run now, as continuing with the loft conversion may lead to negative equity, we decide to get back in touch with the couple who made the offer to say we would except if it was £5000 extra. Too f****** late! They have already ploughed ahead with an offer on another property, but if its any consolation they would be interested should there be any problems with this chain. There aren't enough stars in the world to illustrate how I felt about this.

Back to square one, I have made a positive decision to try and stop dwelling on all this shit as it is really beginning to effect my personality, and everyone is sick to the core of me whingeing on about the whole sorry situation. So this is my, not so little, rant about the recent crap, and now I will try to rebuild and embrace the once very, 'smiley', 'upbeat' Jen who I have not seen of late!

Hopefally I wont have to do this to de-stress!

It's been a while since I have written - grossly due to the fact I was away and then I went straight into a string of night shifts, therefore spent all of my free time sleeping in between. So to update:

Salsa was excellent. Although we didn't learn much more than we had during the previous classes we had been to, the teacher was just hilarious in a 'I don't care if I make a fool of myself' kind of way. Mostly women attended so there was plenty of drink, innuendo and laughter. Would definitely go again!

The night away in a hotel for our anniversary of when we met was just perfectly timed - a revelation for our relationship. Champagne and wine meant we could talk properly and freely for the first time in ages, and this was of course a chance to 're-awaken' the sexual side of things! We had definitely been in need of some time to concentrate fully on each other without distractions. I didn't even worry too much about Ali we were having such great fun. And a proper bed! Not just a mattress on the floor! Two double beds actually! So a choice - not that either were used much!

Then of course a run of three night shifts, just to dampen the mood. The first two proved deadly dull, being mainly breastfeeding support and feeding/winding babies all night. But last night -bloody hell, talk about busy. Not one midwife got a drink, any food, any kind of a break last night, and most of us were there until late this am trying to complete notes we had been unable to maintain to ensure the women had basic care. I mean I am talking some midwives having up to 3 women in labour, several trips to theatre and pulling two midwives from another ward to try and handle the workload. I was pooped by the time I got home - I couldn't even stay awake while having breakfast with D and Ali. And I think I have injured my leg because it feels like I have pulled a muscle, but when I was trying to sleep today I had unbelievably painful cramp. It was like a battle to decide whether I should get up and walk around or if I even could move at all I was so tired. Stupid, unfit body.

So two days off now. Rest, recuperate and recharge the batteries for the next batch of shifts. Also to try and spend some quality time with Ali and D, without being snappy and course!

While learning to live with the fact that there is no way I will get anywhere near 'First chance' 'Home and Away' this evening given the fact that Scotland happen to be competing in some kind of football event on TV at this moment in time; I am revelling in the fact that for once my day has been kind of good. Today I had the fabulous news I had been waiting for - my contract has been made permanent, so finally some job security! Of course today has also been the first day I have felt even remotely normal since last Thursday when I first developed 'the bug', so although exhausted I haven't felt so ridiculously crap. But the absolute icing on the cake is that tomorrow me and D celebrate four 'glorious' (puke - not quite) years together since we met and we are staying overnight in a hotel. Evening meal, champagne and chocs, presents, spa, alone time......need I say more. And of course we get to 'SLEEP IN' - oh my god the joys - I don't even know what that means anymore. A 'sleep in' used to be until lunch time for me, now it's like 8-9am. However, the infinitely, unbelievably, fantastically, wonderfully, brilliant, 'cherry on the top' news, is that, duh duh duh - I am going to the Bruce Springsteen concert in December in London!!!!!!!! So decision was to pay way, way, way over the odds (with a little help from my Dad) for a ticket to see Brucey as this was really the only option. Who was I trying to kid, trying to convince myself that it wouldn't be worth it! Jealous aren't ya!? Bring on that champers!

Germs!

No doubt those of you who are regulars may be wondering where I have disappeared to. Well, I have managed to pick up some dreadful bug which has had me in horrendous pain and upset my digestive system big time over the last few days! Still trying to recover while eating next to nothing is proving difficult, however I at least have a valid reason for giving up on the ironing because I can hardly stand up! I am supposed to be going to a salsa & merenge dance evening on Tuesday but have been having visions of fainting in the arms of someone! Of course this may not be a bad thing if it's a gorgeous guy!












Of course tonight I was rostered on for a night shift but I could not have physically got myself to the hospital never mind looked after other people and babies for 12hours. And then there's Thursday and Friday, when me and D go away for the night for the anniversary of when we met - nice hotel and restaurant - I think it may well be vegetarian or fish dish, very plain with no sauce or heaviness! Here's hoping I can get rid of the little beasties! I think my stomach is hoping so too!