I'm Back!

 

So....I have 'found' my blog again! Not that the blog was ever lost - only me! Several years down the line and much has changed! I now have a little boy who is 2 years old this September and my daughter is now 7 years old - where on earth did the time go???

The main news is that me and the old man are getting married! Very soon - in October! I cannot believe how quickly it has come around. He is very nervous, I am panicking as have organised it all myself to accommodate our very small and tight budget, but I am also busting with excitement. A casual, relaxed day with fish and chips and an ice-cream van; both a cheese tower and a chocolate cake for our weddings cakes, (we are cake and cheese rather than chalk and cheese!); and dancing the night away! Simply cannot wait! It's coming fast!

We are expecting family that we haven't seen for years and some I haven't even met on D's side. Some friends and family from New Zealand are even flying over to be with us! That was my main concern - I wanted everyone we love and hold dear there to celebrate!

My dress is not red as I had hoped but it was a rather special ivory one that saved me when I thought I was never going to find 'the one' - so I may resolve to have some red shoes! I haven't lost as much weight as I had hoped but have had to just deal with this as there is now no time left and the dress needs altering!

And my 'piece de resistance' is my wow factor decorations! I am endeavouring to have 1000 paper cranes (or as close as we can get!) as this is lucky and a symbol of peace - and I will also pass these down as a family heirloom. I also have a rather fantastic lady making some paper lanterns that she designed herself, customised with a laser-cut pattern specific to our design. Think earthy wicker, berries, pine cones, tea-lights/fairy lights and ivy, then add a sprinkle of flowers and even chilli's! Well, 'creative' is my middle name and what better time to use it!

I have to say though, that what started as fun is now becoming a little stressful! With a hubby to be who is really not interested, a mother who wished we had eloped, one bridesmaid in France, two arranging their own weddings and the last working opposite days to me - I really am devoid of support right now! Hold it together Jen! Still - I am trying to be positive, this is, after all, what I have always dreamt of!

How have you all 'bean'?

If there is a god then over Christmas and New Year he emptied several enormous cannisters of frozen tiny pollestirine balls all over the North East, leaving us to battle with our nerves continously on a daily basis. Highly unprepared for this amount of snow, large parts of Blighty ground to a halt. Of course the NHS couldn't, it is a 24hr service, so we were all guilt tripped and even harrassed into making sure we turned in for work. I fought my way out of town at 5.30am one morning, with the help of three guys who were waiting for a bus, that would likely never arrive - who pushed me out from my parking space - thanks guys! The adrenaline that coarses through your body (and not in a good way) when driving around in this kind of weather is unreal, until you are almost physically shaking. And worrying about whether you are going to make it too and from work safely, every day, is unbelievably emotionally draining. Ali was in her element though. She was off school, and now thinks sledging and making snowmen is the best thing since sliced bread. We were, however, all tickled by the enormous icicle that was hanging by our front door. Now April and you would alsmost think it was the summer? We actually ate our tea outside tonight, the sun belting down on our backs and sunshades on. It was lovely without being baking hot! I am getting excited all over again about growing my tomatoes, and have some new greenhouses, curtousy of my dad, to plough ahead with them once again - minus the worry about all those horrible flys in the conservatory!

I am 26 now - another year older. Now pushing 30 I am not as excited about my birthdays anymore, although I do plan to celebrate my 30th in a big way, as I was pregnant when 21! Of course the snow prevented most of the celebrations we planned. It was a Chinese takeaway at home. Bloody snow. Of course the big news, and I suppose my main birthday present, I received two days before my birthday. We are pregnant again! So I am donning maternity bra's and fending off nausea as best I can. Deja vu? It is still quite early, but I cannot stop myself from getting excited. I love Ali to bits, but her arrival was surrounded by trepadation and anxiety, so it is lovely to be able to relax and enjoy everything this time. Although I thought I would be much happier when I got my stomach back - no such luck! I am destined to hate being pregnant - luckily I don't have to do it again! It is a good job too, not even half way and I feel like a beached whale already.

Ali is so excited. We are calling the baby 'Little Bean' at present as when I had an early scan (to ensure there was just one!), the baby was 1.2cm big (about the size of a baked bean) and I saw its little heart going. Now it is bigger but the name has just kind of 'stuck'. I have cheated and had a colleague at work take a sneaky peak to try and determine the sex. She thinks it has a willy! A boy! One of each! We are trying not to get too excited though as they can be wrong, but I have my anomaly scan with the sister on 19th April so we can ask then too. If the big boss says it has a willy as well - I reckon we can go with it!

D has a inguinal hernia, so it is like 'the adventures of hernia man and pregnant woman' in our house! We could write a comedy sketch, what with both of us gasping and crying out in pain when coughing and sneezing, and unable to get comfortable in bed! And trying to have sex - well, bloody hilarious. Well, funny with hindsight, not at the time. What with my uncertainty over which side of the line between pleasure and pain D was on, being that he was affected by his hernia, and me trying to encourage him away from lying on my bump. Not exactly a passionate love scene, as in the movies!

So the next few months are about surviving the ever expanding belly, trying to come up with a decent boys name, (and they just aren't as good as girls names), and planning my now big girls birthday party, which of course means having to come up with another fabulous cake to top last year's creation! Tinkerbell theme this time!

For some reason I'm not feeling very hungry anymore!?

Last month me and D celebrated 6 years together. 6 years! I can't quite believe it. How have we not driven each other mad yet?! It has been very important to me actually. I think of it as an achievement. Many people doubted we would make it even a fraction of that time, and so many relationships struggle in a now flirtatious and openly sexual society. Certainly I have always believed that there is a 2 year mark within relationships and that becomes decision making time. Should we continue, should we go our separate ways? I think we fought our way through this time for our daughter but became closer as a result, so it was worth it. 6 years therefore, to me, is something to be proud of! I said to D 'shall we try for another 6?' and he said 'Is that all?', heartily laughing.

We went into Newcastle for the night (Ali conveniently sleeping over with her Gran!), had a lovely Indian meal and went to see a film. It was really great to have some quality time together and it certainly feels like we only get out together for this one time a year! While waiting to see the film we had a few drinks in a bar which is also a club. D looked quite uncomfortable in this situation, it made me giggle for he certainly wasn't the oldest there, he is just so traditional it is quite amusing! We had a fabulous time and when home ate chocolates in bed! Luxury!

I have spent the morning trying to establish whether my mother is stranded in Cockermouth as the flood rages, but strangely it has not hit my grandmothers house. A big relief all round as it was hit very badly around the time Carlisle flooded. It seems from the news that the main street took it bad - but luckily, in many ways, my grandmother remains in hospital following her operation, preventing her from panicking about the rising river level. Mother has taken precautions and moved as much as possible upstairs, just in case, as the rain continues - will it ever stop!??

And of course, who knew that Cheryl Cole could actually sing?? Now don't get me wrong, I am a fan of hers, especially as she is from my neck of the woods; but Thursday night singing at the concert for Children in Need she actually took my breath away. She did look nervous, but that song is gorgeous and she sang it so well with Snow Patrol. Will this girl ever stop going up in our estimations? Of course now you have raised the bar Cheryl, you will have to keep it there! We love you though. My favourite as always was Annie Lennox. I am such a fan and she was brilliant as usual. I could here her at the end of the concert singing 'Hey Jude' with Sir Paul, but the cameras would not zoom in on her. Such passion in her voice. Amazing!

I have discovered a Disney site online that allows you to design your own fairy from the Tinkerbell film. We had a bash at it last night and Ali just loves it. Heck, I must confess I have even had a go myself - how sad. I don't suppose the Disney magic ever leaves you when you're female! Every woman dreams of being a princess and being rescued by their handsome prince, never mind the girls. Although I was brought up to question why the female characters weren't stronger, and that it should be a heroine rather than a hero. Consequences of a female lead single parent household I reckon!

D is away for a few days to go to a funeral in Scotland. The house is strange without him. I feel a little lost. I don't like it at all. He hardly says anything when he is here, but at least he is here in body. Very strange. We haven't been apart for long since I was at university in Leeds, which would be April 2005. Four years. Maybe we should be apart more often - it reminds you what you have!

Last night I caught a fraction of the 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here' programme on TV as I was going to bed. That woman who cleans the houses of disgusting people - Kim, she was eating all the really gross foods during one of the trials. I didn't know whether to laugh or wretch myself. What compelling viewing though. I had to keep watching. From fish eyes to kangaroo anus and testicles, oh my goodness; it sends a shiver down my spine just thinking about it. How do they do it?? I couldn't eat any of it if you paid me. Sunday dinner for us today! Not a testicle in sight! Only chicken.

New Phase

My baby started school last week and I am of mixed emotions! She did so well on her first day, a few small hiccups but we got there in the end. It was kind of surreal. All the parents filed into the classroom with their children, with the majority of the kids fairly happy but a bit dubious about what was occurring. Then as one small girl started to cry it was like a run of domino's, as another child started to cry, then another and another, until eventually Ali's eyes began to well up too. She was merely copying what all the others were doing because she had been fine and had expressed no anxiety about going to school at all. I kissed her, hugged her, told her it would be fun, and then ran. Being there was only making it worse, and I could feel that my tears were not far away. As I left I passed a mass of hysterical children, it was purely heartbreaking. To top it off another mother who had still been there with her daughter told me two days later that Ali was kneeling on the carpet with tears streaming down her face. Guilt, guilt, guilt. But I would have been doing her no favours by staying and sobbing with her. Now two weeks in she is fine and filing in on her own after the whistle. Watching her go into school just emphasizes how quickly time is passing. She is my little baby, with whom I paced about the floor for so many nights on end. Where did the time go?

Now that we are trying again I find myself in a new situation. 'Planning' for a baby. When we found out Ali was on the way we were excited, but it was over-shadowed by worries and anxiety. We didn't live together, I hadn't completed my degree and in the grand scheme of life we had not been together for long. There is something quite spiritual and calming about purposefully trying for a baby. I can feel a nervous excitement bubbling through me, waiting for the moment we have the news so that it can explode out. I can't wait to see D's face when we do the test together this time and it tells us the good news. And I can't wait to spend every night together in bed holding the bump and feeling the kicks instead of being 2hrs away from each other, stealing brief weekends here and there. Ali is constantly asking if the baby is coming yet because we have discussed having a baby with her since making the decision. She made me laugh yesterday because she told me she had sent a wish with a fairy to name the baby the name she had picked out if it's a boy. She won't tell us what it is though! So cute!

We have discovered that mutant spiders live nearby, and now that it's getting colder the blighters are coming indoors! Now there's not a chance that I will ever touch a spider but I am normally able to catch them in a glass and put them back outdoors. These enormous specimens are hideous, they make me shiver and get nervous, and they are so incredibly fast. I think I can hand on heart say I am not going anywhere near them! Unfortunately I have passed on my phobia to Ali. She happened to witness a spider fall onto my shoulder one day and I couldn't contain my reaction, I was hysterical. So now D laughs when we both have a hissy fit every time a spider scuttles about! But these clearly genetically modified beasts are well scary! Arachnophobia at aged 8 kinda scary!

Oh, and how the opposite of jolly are the 'Jolly Phonics'! Ali is beginning to learn how to sound out words at school and recognise letters. Today I attended a workshop for parents on how to support the learning of phonics. Jolly is not the word. Trying to remain positive, we accessed some of the websites suggested by her teacher to play the games that teach the phonics. After about half an hour of s-i-t, s-a-t, i-t, a-n, t-i-p etc etc, I have quite a h-e-a-d-a-c-h-e and had to give up. I sure needed a break before we had to head back out to school for trampolining. I feel like a y-o-y-o.

Raspberry jam, relatives and our daughter the blether!

I think we may have just bought 2 new sofas. We had to return the fabric swatches today with a final decision. How did this happen? One minute we are discussing the issue and both agree that the sofa's we have (although hideously blue and leather) are fine for now, the next minute we decide to 'just pop in' to SCS and have a look at what's available. Suddenly we are being offered coffee and are being schmoozed into putting down a deposit in return for borrowing the colour swatches overnight. ????? That salesman must have been good! To convince us to part with such an amount of money without much hesitation! Classy sofas though.

We had been staying with Granny in Scotland up until Friday gone, before bringing her home with us for a few days. She left today courtesy of the National Rail service. I love Scotland, there are some stunningly beautiful areas. Staying with Granny can be a little claustrophobic though. A small flat with three adults, including one MIL, and a hyperactive four year old, becomes mildly grating to say the least. Especially as Ali never shuts up these days. 'A wee blether' according to the guy in the local craft shop. And air fresheners on timers?? What is with that? Not only are they bizarre but you become a nervous wreck as they let out a sharp 'hissing' noise with each squirt of incense - which never fails to take you by surprise and get your heart racing.

There have been of course the occasional amusing discussions between D and his mum. One in particular was that of both parties trying to remember the phone number of an auntie in New Zealand. Though it was just both of them generating random numbers at each other not to each other, they would not take my advice and look it up in the book - it was a test of memory and neither would give in! Like I have got the time or patience. Both have a mild obsession with home-made raspberry jam and I am going deaf because the TV always has to be on maximum for any of my gorgeous fiances family to hear it - including him.

Compared with other trips to see Granny, we didn't visit so many relatives which was nice. We did see D's uncle (Granny's brother) who never fails to amuse me. While having coffee at D's auntie's house he clapped eyes on a neighbour trying to park her car in her driveway. Trying was the operative word, but I had to work hard to stop myself laughing when he brazenly said, 'Look at that stupid woman, she's at it again, she cannot park her car in her own driveway. She has 3 or 4 goes at it and there is enough room to park a bus in there side-e-ways.' I was very tickled. I also love visiting another of D's uncle's (his dad's brother), because he is so jolly and recites stories for Ali and banters with her, making her laugh. So all in all, a canny trip in terms of relatives.

While up North we visited the Beatrix Potter Museum in Birnam. It was so sweet and totally catered to generating the interest of children. It was a shame that we didn't have more time there. All the information was clearly set out and defined for the older children/adults, and there was a series of activities for the younger. There were jigsaws; drawing/colouring utensils; mountains of books; role play areas - including a cute make-shift puppet theatre, a shop, a dolls house and tea sets; and a rolling series of stories on DVD playing on a TV in a small area full of bean bags. There was also a game which was a cross between 'hook a duck' and 'magnetic fish pond', where you had to hook characters using rods from a bucket which generated scores to total up. It was simply gorgeous. Well worth a look.

We also drove to Loch of the Lowes where we endeavoured to observe the Osprey. No such luck unfortunately. Granny thought she may have seen one but sadly keeping Ali quiet enough to partake in the bird-watching held most of my attention. There was a red squirrel which was stunning and quite exciting as I have not seen one for many years. We only have grey's in our area. Surprisingly I have started sketching again in the form of garden and woodland birds. I forgot I had it in me. Why I cannot generate something that might bring in some money is beyond me.

My most favourite excursion was to a local pottery store ('Going Pottie') where you could paint a tile, figure or kitchen utensil to take away with you. I thought this would be something different to try with Ali so we gave it a go. Ali chose a small unicorn and we set out to paint it. Well....the OCD in me just took over and I found myself interfering with Ali and trying to paint the figure for her. I couldn't stop myself. Plan B was executed - to both have a tile so that mummy could have a go and Ali could have free artistic reign over her design! The genius of the activity was that you could dry the paint with a hair dryer and paint over it again at any stage. This was key as Ali became cross with her attempts several times and we had to paint over the pattern and start again. Aside from Ali getting her hair caught in the hairdryer, the whole event was pretty successful. After some time though I found it tough encouraging Ali, so Daddy swooped in to assist and I got my moment in time to continue to re-discover my own artistic skills.

There has been much discussion over D's sister visiting from New Zealand next year. Suggestions including renting a cottage on the West Coast of Scotland or in France for a week or so, have been put forward by Granny. (There are relatives in France too). This has led to a week of lying about 'trying' and 'flying', as we have decided to try for another baby soon which if successful would make me due around the same time. Of course this rules out flying and likely being anywhere other than at home for this period of time. Granny was not keen on us having further children therefore she has not been enlightened of this plan as yet - hence the lying. The weeks discussion has been awkward to say the least. And the guilt. New sofas probably weren't the best idea.

Happy holidays!

My two weeks holiday from work have finally started, following several gruelling weeks of running close to the edge and repetitive tears. It's strange that you begin to find yourself so run into the ground immediately before your holidays are due! Good timing? Or do we just know when we are going to need them?

After managing a marginal 'lie in' yesterday, we decided to try out the 'Maize Maze' at our local organic food farm, with a friend of mine and her son who is the same age as Ali. The kids managed the whole event really well. We kept their spirits up by reciting lines from films and they managed to collect 14 of the 17 letters we had to find to spell out words, before everything was drawn to a close by Ali needing a poo! It was becoming quite hot by this point and we had walked round in circles for some time, so it was likely a blessing in disguise. It was a great idea for a change from the norm though. Perhaps it would be good to return when they are slightly older - when they can actually recognise the letters and form words! It was fun though and later it gave us mothers a chance to drink wine and catch up! And we never say no to a bottle of wine, ever!

Today I attended a gathering arranged for a colleague of mine in celebration of her retirement. Lunch out - it was great. It was really great. To see everyone out of work, laughing and smiling. A totally stress free environment - the opposite of work! And more wine! I think it may be wine weekend. Everyone looked amazing. It's funny because we all wear scrubs for work so no one has any kind of figure, but when midwives 'scrub up' to go out - they don't do it by halves! Make-up, floaty yet fitted clothing and many, many heels. As it should be. We will miss her, I will miss her - she was a great support and became a good friend; and she is not nearly old enough to be retiring!

We are off to visit the MIL on Monday. Ali is very excited about seeing Granny. Scotland for a few days and then Granny will come home with us for a few days. No Sky TV, no computer, likely no phone signal - how on earth will I cope??? I may have to take a reading book, how very... intellectual. I may well just go out and buy Cosmo, just in case!

Of late I find I have come to a decision point in my life. It is now time to decide on whether or not to have another baby. This I think would have been my actual 'brooding' time if our first had been as per my original life plan; but ironically it ties in with Ali being 4, and she is constantly asking for a brother or sister. I had always said I couldn't even think about it until Ali was at school because I knew I would not cope at home with two pre-school age. I do not want to leave a huge gap between my children and I feel as time moves on the less I am likely to want to under-go the trials of childbearing again. (As much as I loved the stretch marks, saggy boobs and sleepless nights!) And I always wanted more than one because I was very close to my brother and cannot imagine having an only child. All in all this is looking more and more like the time to go for it. Or certainly enjoy trying! So, while I am popping diet pills to shed as much weight as possible in weeks, rather than months and years, (because we may go for it sooner rather than later); D is cacking himself about how this will effect our 'financial situation'. Although he has agreed we should think about it again now.

Hand in hand with this decision is the fact I have to put aside my wedding plans once again. Which is a shame, because I have just revisited Matfen Hall during an open evening - and it is more gorgeous than I remember. Interestingly I received a brochure which listed all the venues for civil ceremonies in the county, and there are many venues much cheaper than Matfen Hall - which is a shame, as money may dictate the day in the end. It could be beautiful to have my children with us on our wedding day, so it may be a good decision to have another before we tie the knot. Isn't life hard!? I mean these are massive life changing events I am casually debating here! Massive.

It's like the harvest festival at home right now. I am snowed under in droves of cucumbers, the conservatory is more phallic than Ann Summers and I am having to give them away. The small sweet tomatoes are unbelievably gorgeous we are eating them straight from the vine. Pepper growing has been a complex, but I am getting a few small offerings, and the strawberries are being stolen by the snails and slugs! I am no green fingers however - I prefer them Red, hot! The multitude of fruit and veg come with a dark side too though. The conservatory is a giant fly magnet! (A giant conservatory not giant fly that is!) Courtesy of my Dad, I have a fabulous insecticide pen that you use to draw around the window pane. I would rather have a fly graveyard to contend with on a daily basis than a fly commune. At least they are not buzzing around our heads anymore!

In amidst the roles of mother, wife and midwife, I seem to have lost the 'me', again. I have decided I need something in my life for 'me'. I am not even sure who 'me' is anymore. The something I have decided on is photography. I have spent the last few months seeing my surroundings in a different way. Numerous times I have seen a landscape or an object or a scene and thought to myself - I wish that I could capture that. It isn't going to be easy. There is no way I can afford to stop working full time, therefore it will be something else to fit into my life. But I guess, when you want something enough you can achieve it. I will only regret it if I don't try.

Certainly of late I have felt my role as 'wife' become very trying. Though we are not married, myself and D live together as if we were. We have done since Ali was born 4 years ago. But it is getting harder not easier as I thought it would. How do you maintain a long term relationship, what is the secret? How do men and women poles apart in ways of thinking live under the same roof and execute a life together? Mars and Venus is an understatement. Life plods on only because of Ali, work commitments and mortgage commitments, but it doesn't feel like 'living'. Do we get so used to each other that neither party feels it necessary to make a little effort anymore? What if it's only one member of the double act that is shirking? How do you get them to make a little more effort without hurting their feelings? And how do you stop yourself from 'wandering' while you aren't getting the attention you feel you deserve? (Notice the avoidance of ownership of those statements!) Is that harsh? I'm so harsh - god relationships are tough. I'm just craving a little romance. A rose here, a kiss and a squeeze there - just to remind me why we entered into all this in the first place.

I have a dream. A simpler and more selfish dream than the original dream visualised in tandem with this saying. My dream.

The strangely comforting smell of cigarettes and alcohol linger in the background and the sound of someones heart breaking churns out steadily from the juke box in the corner. Continuous monotone conversation meanders around the room from the bar to the door, and blurred in the background are friends playing pool and drinking merrily. Talking quietly, completely enthralled by each other, I stop regularly to laugh shyly and nervously spin my drink stirrer, listening intently; while you look into my eyes so intensely it sends the butterfly's in my stomach wild. Leaning into each others space across the small booth table, you take my hand and ask me to dance as a slow tear jerking song begins to unwind. There is a small space to one side of the bar and without another word you lead me there, spinning me into you until our body's meet firmly and sliding your arm around my waist as I gently place my hand on your shoulder. Taking my other hand to chest height and resting it between us, you look directly at me while starting a slow movement with the count of the beat. Melting into one another, both in ore of the moment and nothing needs voicing. Our free hands remain linked and caress the other in an opening/closing, skin tingling motion and my heels glide across the floor tipping my line into yours and following your lead effortlessly. You strongly support and guide me and offer a cheek to cheek moment allowing the smell of one another to readily perfuse the immediate area. My heart begins to race as your hand lowers to the small of my back generating a concentrated warmth through my satin blouse, to that ever so sensitive part of me. My hand strays from your shoulder to stroke the back of your neck while our pelvises orientate closer our legs alternating and inter-wound so that our motion becomes less grand and more localised to the spot. Bringing your eyes to meet mine again your mouth brushes across my lips generating an air thick with longing and the motion becomes a complete stand still. Suddenly I come to understand the phrase 'undressing each other with their eyes', as I become completely yours to possess.

I have a dream.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness obviously never danced in the rain

All the sleeping and fighting to do simple daily tasks has left me totally drained. Like I have been hit by a bus. It is hard to explain but at the same time exactly as they said it would be. My body aches, particularly my neck, but is this from the bug or from all the sleeping/tossing and turning? D hasn't touched me all week. More so than normal. Like I am a giant germ that might render him into the same useless state. I don't know why I am so bothered, even before I became a germ I had to ask him to hold me or touch me. Something is seriously wrong there. I think he has retreated into his cave on Mars again.

This morning I felt so lifeless I went to stand in the rain to prove to myself I wasn't still sleeping. Standing in a puddle, in my nightie, I let the drops fall hard and fast across my bare skin and watched the goose-pimples stand to attention. It felt so good a chill ran down my back. Warm rain. For the first time in so long, months, I felt like I was alive. Like I was wholly in the present moment. Like nothing else mattered but this feeling of stimulation. Pondering my life for a minute I threw myself back to the last time a pleasurable feeling totally washed over my whole body. Too long ago.

Today I also managed to finish a novel, the first full book I have read since before I met D. Quite an accomplishment. But it left me reeling! The ending had been left open for the reader to decide, and I had read and read incessantly to get my happy ending. So imagine it - I keep telling myself, but I so wanted to read it as part of my achievement. Why am I so bothered by this? When I had finished I began to think about bizarre things like the fact I haven't worn socks or shoes for days, and that the purple pointy flowers on the Budlia in the garden looked like an array of arrows pointing in all directions, like a scene from Alice in Wonderland. Have I awoken my imagination?

My not so little brother has now graduated with a fantastic 2:1 in Business Computing! His graduation ceremony was at the Stadium of Light - much to his horror being a Newcastle supporter, but to my dads delight being a Sunderland fan. It was a lovely ceremony, modern, in fitting with the course. The staff were very friendly and helpful and the indoor suites were great, but the food was not even average. We paid £20 each for a ticket and I was given 2 tiny sausages, a vegetable spring roll, an Indian parcel, a few cold and hard chips, a brushetta, a sandwich and a tiny little tart the size of a £2 coin. All the 'hot' food was cold by the time we got to it and you had to take your ticket up to get your meal so you weren't allowed any further food. It was a shame when everything else had been so impressive.

In a rather comedy moment the guy which my mum had been sat beside during the ceremony, (a rather gorgeous, African guy!) who had also been cheering on his best friend and his brother, asked for my brothers name and stood up and cheered him on too! Very random, but sweet I guess. How unfair is life when it is your mother being chatted up?

Incidentally I have run myself into the ground and left myself open to 'suspected' swine flu. Although no one is being tested anymore so I will never really know for sure. Anti-virals and plenty of sleep required. Mainly I feel as though my throat is on fire and like I have been hit by a bus. And although I don't have D & V, my body does not want food in it and if I eat, it rapidly leaves at the other end, up to 8 times a day! Too much detail I hear you yell. Christ, I'm turning into my mum - she has an obsession with talking about bowel movements. Enough said. Halls soothers and back to bed.

Today Ali found a potato shaped like Sid the Sloth's head from 'Ice Age'! It was hilarious. We were laughing about it so much in the vegetable shop that the owner actually gave it to Ali to take home! How nice! I have no idea how we are going to bring ourselves to eat it though!

We have also been to see Walking with Dinosaurs at the Metro Arena. We really enjoyed it. My mum won some tickets so we took Ali and another couple of family members. Ali was a little scared to begin with but when we pointed out the people and machinery working the models she relaxed. The popcorn also worked as a calming distraction! (All £3 worth). So we got to see the show for free which was great and probably would have been worth paying for - but the merchandise, whoo, extortionate! The cheapest item of memorabilia was a small helium balloon shaped like T-Rex which cost £5. I mean £5!!! Ridiculous. But of course they are very clever. Staff hovered in the doorway as we left the building - so you cannot possibly leave without seeing the balloons, then of course comes, 'Oh look mummy a dinosaur balloon, can I have a dinosaur balloon, please mummy please'. 'No darling, they are very expensive'. 'Oh please mummy please'. (Getting increasingly high pitched and whiny). 'Darling they cost too much money.' 'Ohhhhh pllllleeeeeeaaaasssssseeeee, please mummy please, look they are nearly all gone, please mummy.' And then that is it - the clincher! In about 30seconds they will all be gone because too few are being bought so quickly; so suddenly despite my previous arguments my daughter simply must have a dinosaur balloon and several of us are diving into the crowd, money extended out at arms length in exchange for a balloon. No, they are not stupid, they know how to make money! £12 for a programme - jees - we could have become bloody bankrupt and we didn't even pay for the tickets. Brilliant show though. Unbelievably intelligent, clever clever production. Well worth a visit.

Well it would seem I have competition in the birthday cake department. A few days ago a friend of mine had a birthday party for her son who is the same ages as Ali, and she had created a 'Rory the Racing Car' cake. It was fabulous, so it seems I do not hold the monopoly in the birthday cake market. In fact it could be argued she did one better as she actually baked the cake! Damn. However, I am already planning next years creation! And it seems a friend of mine has challenged me to a retirement cake in the shape of a zimmer frame! After pondering the possibility of this for all of 2 seconds, my best offer would have to be false teeth?!

Having just ploughed on straight from a night shift to a nursery trip out to Whitehouse Farm with Ali and her class, to trampolining club, and on to a parents evening/presentation to inform us about the transition from Nursery to Reception in school; I am now taking a few short minutes to simply do nothing before a sumptuous, well deserved early night. D is reading a guide to 'Florence and Tuscany' which has me very excited. I will have to start leaving more obvious hints while the idea is in his head - get him to follow through! I think I can keep on dreaming!

"Her name was Lola....she was a challenge....for 3+ hours of my life, I built her up with cake and knife."

The giraffe has gone! Hallelujah! It has taken the best part of a week, a helping hand from a family friend and 3, almost 4, layers of paint to make it go away! We are now 'Pavillion' in colour in the lounge - it is like a warm beige colour, and the room looks twice the size! White on the ceiling has created the feeling of an extra foot on the height, and two 'African pot' looking ceramic wall lamps have set the ambiance off beautifully. (Although they do look like alien space ships when its dark!) All in all a successful redecoration project.

It was Ali's birthday a couple of Sunday's ago. She woke at exactly the same time that I began to contract the day she was born - which freaked me out! We had been up until 2am decorating and wrapping presents because I was so late home from work the night before, so I was really lethargic. Ali was buzzing though and seriously excited when she saw everything downstairs. What an array of presents!

Ali had asked for a 'Charlie and Lola' themed birthday party but could I find a Charlie and Lola birthday cake? Could I hell as like! When I realised it was going to cost approximately £60 to have one made I could have cried. So I was on to Asda quick sharp to ask about getting an image transferred onto a cake and whether I should bring it to them on disk or as a copy, but they said no as it was copyrighted! Panic -Panic -Panic. With no other option I had to have a go at it myself! Now the whole world knows I couldn't bake a cake to save my life, so what was I to do? Well, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I took a flat plain sponge cake, reconstructed it in the shape of 'Lola's' head, iced it and decorated it. No one was more surprised than me when it turned out to be absolutely fabulous! It seems that I am a genius at cake decoration! Genius mind you - not fluke! You can be the judge - praising comments always welcome!

Can someone tell me when parenting became so competitive? It's like there is this group of you and a few years ago you were all dragging each other through the hard times, going to baby massage and having coffee while the little ones were in the creche; and now its - my child is cleverer, my child can do this better, my child can do that better, and my child's party will be better than yours.... I really thought I would be above and beyond this but for some reason I can feel myself trying to better the others too, not in a planned or intentional way though, it's weird. For some reason we feel compelled to behave like this. We went to one of Ali's friends parties and she got three presents from one of her relatives - two dressing up outfits and some dressing up shoes. Some being the operative word. Not just one pair of dressing up shoes - five! And I thought Ali had loads of presents, unbelievable. My cake was better though......

Another one of my friends kids had a birthday party and Ali was invited, just Saturday gone, and it was so fabulous. She is the epitome of the phrase 'earth mother'. She recycles, eats healthily and organically and the family go on many outdoor pursuits. I mean she even used toweling nappies as opposed to disposable when her kids were small. Everything I thought I would be but definitely am not as a mother. I love her to bits though, don't get me wrong, and I don't know how she does it. Anyway, the party. On arrival to this outdoor activity centre/grange she took us up to a small hut and woodland area where there was a huge plastic ground sheet covered with pva glue pots and creative crafts and tools. The kids were given a small canvas bag to decorate themselves as a party bag - which in itself was such a great idea. Following all the impressive healthy food (even healthy carrot cake!) there was a puppet show performed by her friend, to the story of 'Cinderella Green Recycling Queen' - complete with adult jokes for the parents. So funny! And following the show, all the kids got to make a puppet for themselves. Having been on night shift just before the party and going, going and going on no sleep what so ever, I thought I would be beside myself by the afternoon. I didn't really feel it until about 3pm and I think I had just as much fun as Ali did! Worryingly it did draw out the OCD in me as I tried to get Ali to stick on a variety of shapes, colours and feathers equally spaced out and colour coordinated!

My tomatoes - oh my tomatoes...they are coming along just brilliantly. I have some starting to ripen and redden already. I am so excited! Yes I am getting my kicks from growing tomatoes! Something is seriously wrong in my life. We have had 9 cucumbers thus far and there are several peppers coming in also. Not bad for my first attempt at green fingers! Ali loves it though. She cannot wait to try the tomatoes!

'You are feeling very sleepy....no shit Sherlock!'

Well I have spent the whole of my week off flaming gardening. Not under duress but to avoid my own guilt at not helping the MIL. I cannot think of anything else that I have achieved during my 'free from work' time. I haven't even tried to do more to the sort the house out. Alas I had so many plans.....

I did visit a hypnotherapist in attempt to aid my bid to lose weight. It cost a small fortune, but I guess I am willing to try anything now. The first part of the session was more like counselling - I had to be open and honest, cried a lot and tried to figure things out with the therapist. He observed that when I picture things that upset me or made me feel 'low' I always divert my line of sight to the bottom left of my vision spectrum and by simply looking up and to the right when feeling like this, I can feel much better. Of course I thought this was ludicrous but unbelievably it actually works! So part of my homework was to practice this into daily life, and it has been very helpful so far.

The actual 'hypnosis' part, which the therapist referred to as 'trance', was weird. Primarily I was sat in a rattan chair for the whole thing, and not particularly comfortably - but maybe that was to prevent me from falling asleep! I did feel sleepy mostly. I could hear what the therapist was saying, and thankfully I felt I was always in control - that I could have stopped everything at any point. That was what I was most nervous about, so I think that relaxed me. On occasion the room felt like it was spinning but it would stop after a little while. The therapist was talking to my unconscious as if it was an entity, in a respectful way, asking it to help me and making reference to me in a complimentary, confidence building way. Thankfully there were no swinging fob watches involved, as I may have found this very hard to take seriously!

Finally before he asked me to slowly become more aware of myself and open my eyes, he told me that my unconscious would let my conscious self know that it had heard him and that it would try to help me, by creating a 'funny sensation' in my left hand. When fully 'compus mentus' he asked me how I felt, I said 'tired' and within a few minutes of talking I felt a tingling sensation in my left hand! I was like - no way - was this just me imagining it because the therapist had said it would happen? All the way down the street I had this throbbing, pulsating feeling in the centre of my upper left hand, then it stopped. To begin with I was totally freaked out, spooky was an understatement; but for the rest of the day I was just exhausted and had a fuzzy frontal headache.

That was Thursday gone. Two days on and I am not eating any less. He did say the effects would not be immediate but I still feel compelled to eat more than I should, for whatever reason. I am a little disappointed as I really thought it might help. It works for smokers trying to quit, why shouldn't it work for me? The only thing left to try is acupuncture. Of the complimentary therapies anyway. I will give it a bit longer just to be sure before I totally dismiss its effects.

Birthdays, bedding plants and boiling over!

People weren't kidding when they said that moving house was the second most stressful event of your life - only second to getting divorced, which I very nearly thought we would be. (Well, of sorts given we aren't really married). My word I haven't been able to write since March! The giraffe print wall paper has inspired me to start blogging again, so the dishes in the kitchen sink (no dishwasher) and lunch that ended up on the kitchen floor, will have to wait.

The new house is fabulous! I can't believe how much space we have! We have a little conservatory which is the 'piece de resistance'. It is ridiculous how excited I am about the fact I am growing tomatoes in my conservatory! Ever since my Gran showed me how to 'tickle' them with cotton wool to cross pollinate them when I was younger, I have been desperate to grow them. I can smell the 'tang' before they are even growing. I also have a new rattan rocking chair from Ikea, which just fits in fabulously - this is my Ali chair, a homage to my best friend not my daughter, as she gave me the vouchers for Ikea, thanks hun!

One problem however - the shower is knackered. I noticed a stain on the kitchen ceiling about three weeks into our new home, only to realise it was the shower leaking through from above. Lovely plumber man informed me that the shower was a piece of junk, held together with practically nothing and garden hose for piping. This made me want to cry, because if there is one thing I did not want to break it was the shower. Over 2 weeks of three baths a day and I was to take away. The plumber has been back and forth and luckily has made it usable - but he is not sure how long it will last. Great.

The Garden, oh the garden - primarily it is amazing to have one, but I love it, Ali loves it and D has cut the grass in it several times already! We have a built in BBQ which we have road tested and it is very efficient. We can see all the way to the river at the bottom of the valley and the sun sets over the fence to the back right of the boundary. I can't wait to sit outside on an evening (when the weather improves) and have a glass of wine while watching the sun go down.

Currently, in general, I am high on life, as I have just handed in my assignment to be a mentor to student midwives. It has been the bane of my life and I feel as if I have spent the last month on edge, sat in front of a computer, cursing while flicking through textbooks, and fobbing Ali off with DVD's. Monday 18th I came home from work, had a glass of wine, sat on the sofa, and watched TV - sublime!

Granny is staying with us and for once we are able to offer her a proper bed, in her own room, as opposed to the sofa in the living room. She is tackling the garden for us and simply couldn't wait to get started. I on the other hand could - not being the biggest fan of gardening. But I could have swung for someone when I came home yesterday. I am concerned about getting things organised for Ali's birthday, which is not a million miles away now, so headed to collect a trampoline I had found in a Bank Holiday sale at Netto. Leaving on the understanding that we were planting everything later in the day when it wasn't so hot (it was 28 degrees!) I headed off to plough my way into Kingston Park to find the Netto store; on return I found D, MIL and Ali in the garden and they had been there since I left. Both were subtly insinuating that I had gotten off lightly which put me on the defensive, then on closer inspection I observed the state of my daughter. She was almost tomato red on her neck and shoulders, burning from the midday sun. 'Have you seen Ali?' I said to D. 'She's really sun-burned'. To which I got the reply, 'Well I can't do everything you know'. Boiling over I spouted 'well you would think your burning daughter would be your priority over the garden', abruptly, and took her indoors. Not much else was said for quite some time! I was fuming! I still am.

I think we are going down the line of holding a party at home again for Ali, given that I can't afford to hire anywhere - which is a shame because that means I have to deal with the mess too. Ali has chosen a 'Charlie and Lola' themed birthday party, to which I have agreed because I secretly love Charlie and Lola too, but I cannot seem to stop feeling guilty about the children I wont be able to invite. 26 kids all with a parent would mean 52 people in my house before you even add on family and friends outside of school. Not possible. Sardines in a tin, and mayhem & chaos spring to mind. I thought it would be hard to choose which children to invite but it's not, there are some children I certainly do not want in my house; however I feel so guilty because I know how upset Ali was when she was not invited to one. What can I do though? I haven't got the space or the money to cater for them all. I really need to get this political parenting sorted!

Now back from the 'bonnie banks of Loch Lomond', we have been thrust back into reality once more. With mortgage issues, house problems and financial matters to address in the half hour before 'end of business' Friday - when we returned 'home' - there was no respite and no rest for the wicked. I won't bore you with move details. Needless to say my stress related acne is having a field day, despite the holiday!

Loch Lomond was so gorgeous. I was blown away by how beautiful it was. No wonder they wrote a song about it! I became psychotic with my camera, forcing D to stop the car every few minutes along the banks to take photos. There were some beautiful bays along the East side of the loch. No wonder D wants to move back to Scotland. A rainbow broke to the East of the loch while we had stopped at the end of the road to admire the views. We could see both ends, which I have never seen in my life before. No pots of gold, however, I was compelled to jump out of the car wearing only a tiny cardigan, in the severe driving hail stones, in an attempt to catch it on camera. Not a bad attempt, even if I say so myself. (Bottom of blog page).

Today I had my eyes tested again. A 2 yearly check up, but of course I needed 'new' glasses. New glasses to the effect of £200+! (And they were among the cheapest!) I am being bled dry this month. What with moving fees right left and centre, un-aided by my inability to set foot in the metro centre for an eye test, without leaving with 3 pairs of shoes, two DVDs and a CD. My only defence being that the shoes were only £10 each in the sale - bargain, and I couldn't live without Daniel Craig in my life any longer - so simply had to have the new bond film. No, but seriously, the eye test - when they blow the air into your eye - what is that about?? '3 times in each eye' the operator said. 12-15 times down the line and still trying to get the air into my right eye, I start to think that the lad operating the machine is beginning to despair with me - although he remains very polite. Bloody bodily defences.

The metro centre are renovating the 'yellow' section to incorporate a new cinema, bowling alley and restaurants, as part of a 'family entertainment' area. A super imposed image on the temporary wall shows people walking around in a more modernised area. It occurred to me as I walked past that all the images were of young, sexy looking men and women, so I looked a little closer. No-one was overweight, no-one was over 30, there were no pushchairs or wheel chairs, everyone was wearing 'modern', 'fashionable' clothes - the men smart and the women gorgeous. So evidently they are going to sift through the population and have an admittance/dress code for the shopping centre come re-opening. The media never ceases to amaze me.

Whether I should be admitting to this or not I am not sure, especially as I chuckled along to Radio 1 mocking it just a few weeks ago; but I am watching 'Extreme Fishing' with Robson Green. Something I thought would be really dull, that happened to be on in the background, has me strangely engrossed and tuning in weekly. I mean its no period drama or captivating documentary, but Robson becoming incredibly excited over fish is amusing to say the least, and he is quite quick witted throughout. He even gets naked from time to time, which - yes, even at his age - is worth a look! The locations are often gorgeous or interesting and the methods of fishing border on the hilarious. I mean 'Kite Fishing'???? Yes it does exactly what it says on the tin. I'm officially sad, aren't I??!!!

Retro...er....No!

A really full on, heavy duty day. Now we are mortgaged up to the eyeballs for the rest of our days, we may be able to move closer to the light (and of course that new house!). And following much negotiation relating to the structural survey comments made on our property, we can now hopefully move forward. Essential that we now do so, as Ali has not been offered a place in the school she is already in!! I mean for gods sake! She is in the nursery but cannot move into reception with her friends, because the school is over subscribed and we are technically 'out of area' until we move. Gutted is an understatement. I want to cry for her, because every second sentence she utters to me following school is about who she played with that day or who she wants to invite home sometime. This may really unsettle her, especially accompanied by moving house. My head is spinning with all the information and worry. The wine came out a while ago. It is nearly all gone, and I am a total lightweight when it comes to wine. So my apologies if I start to mis-type.

Oddly the most frustrating thing today has been my inability to find my suitcase. How in the world does one lose a large suitcase in ones house? I have looked in every plausibly big enough space, all over the house, but no case. Very weird! It may have been abducted by aliens. The lack of suitcase has led to an unorganised pile of clothes residing over one of the sofas waiting to be packed - oh, and I haven't even told you about the extra sofa. Ironically my dad was getting rid of a blue leather sofa and asked me if we wanted it to match the one we already have. Now, I don't know if I have ever mentioned how much I hate the blue leather sofa - but needless to say I was hoping the removal men might just let it drop off the back of their lorry. So now not only do I have one vile blue leather sofa - I have two! No offence dad, I appreciate it and it is proving very useful, but I am definitely going to have to plan there demise ASAP when moved.

More wine, less writing now I'm afraid.

I had to laugh.....but not at the giraffe!

With the 50th birthday celebrations now over, and the '50' confetti all hand-collected up (under Ali's instruction), we are now looking forward to our few days away in bonnie Scotland. A welcome break (no not the motorway services) overlooking the gorgeous Loch Lomond. A balcony with magnificent views over the Loch, a spa bath, a babbling brook nearby too, plenty of fresh air and open space - sounds just glorious. D was chuffed with his gift anyway. He was not so pleased with the enormous '50' balloons or '50' decorations plastered all over the lounge on his return home. I told him it could have been worse, I could have attached them to the fence and gate at the front of the house for the whole street to admire!

Recently turning 25 and D now 50 - we find ourselves again trying to 'laugh off' the age difference between us. When the answers to questions raised in general conversation happen to reflect the 70's/80's, and D clearly remembers them, there is a mutual look of 'oh god' between us, like a horrifying realisation of the severity of the 'gap' - or 'gowking great black gorge', as it should probably be referred to. D is feeling really old, although I have not really noticed any change in him over the last 5 years. I think he doesn't feel as physically able - despite me assuring him he most definitely is! No, I didn't mean it like that. Sometimes he is more prone to minor illnesses, and he get easily exhausted, but that's about it. What is a girl supposed to do when she falls in love with a guy 25 years her senior? Do you walk away or do you stick it out? Easier said than done to walk away. I couldn't. Then I certainly couldn't when Ali was on her way. I am hoping that love will be enough, but I'm heart broken we won't be growing old together.

Our offer was accepted on the house we were interested in, so when the contracts are exchanged we have a grand total of 28 days to move - yes 28 days. How in this world are we supposed to organise the move of a whole house in that time? It takes me an entire week to organise a day out somewhere. And the giraffe print wall paper in the lounge, well needless to say, that will have to go, because alone it is horrendous, but coupled with our hideous blue leather sofas it could look like a loopy 'Changing Rooms' designer has had free reign over our sitting room. Somehow I have to find a way to live with the luminous pink, 'Hollywood' downstairs toilet room, and the very bright blue, garish and shiny upstairs bathroom; because we cant afford to redecorate the whole house initially. Unless we win the lottery.....well I can dream!

From finding home to Loch Lomond

My fabulous father has bought me a sat-nav! I think he is trying to tell me something about my navigational abilities! No seriously, he knows I have problems when I leave what Ali would term 'our world'. My trips to Smoggieland and Stockton-On-Tees were proof enough of that. So I now have a TomTom. This thing could be a god-send if I can familiarise myself with how to work it! You can even choose a certain voice to give you your directions - which has had my sides splitting with laughter. You can have Darth Vader, ('you have now completed your trip to the dark side'), a farmer voice, a Barnsley accent - a whole manner of voices. (As opposed to Jane or Tim which are your initial choices). Jane is clear - but a woman, and Tim sounds gay - so I reckon I will have to download another voice. The Scottish accented voice was gorgeous, but there is a charge for this choice - obviously a better quality! I am sure we will have some fun with this new technology!

We have been house hunting again this week. It is very....draining. I felt absolutely exhausted following our run of 6 house viewings the other day. Emotional, so emotional. For me particularly. D seems to approach every house we consider as in investment, a business deal or in a financial way; where as I throw my heart and sole into imagining whether we could live there, falling in love with places we cannot have or cant afford, pondering what I would change about this bit and that bit. My mind was spinning so fast when we got back and I was 'up a height' to say the least. It took four drinks to clam me down. To top it all off I burnt the bloody roast beef we were having for dinner, which ruined the one meal we have all been able to sit and have together properly in a long time. Typical.

It's D's BIG birthday next Friday. He is not looking forward to it to say the least. I have ummd and aahhhd about what to do and get for him to celebrate. My initial surprise was a lifetime membership to the Clan McLaren Society, but that was ruined when the documentation arrived in the post addressed to both of us. He doesn't want a party or gathering, (I guess it wouldn't be the top of my list at 50 either), and we both happen to be working that day too, despite trying to swap my shifts. So my decision was a few days away in a cottage over-looking Loch Lomond. Back in Scotland, his home, but somewhere he has not yet visited. My family all contributed as no-one really knew what to get him, and short of another cabinet full of various bottles of whisky, there were no ideas being offered. Miss Indecisive tries being decisive - I hope I made the right decision. Accompanied by an Indian takeaway and a good bottle of wine - surely I cant go wrong?

Canny hoose!

Big news - the house is sold subject to contract! Woohoo! But no champagne until there is a signature on the dotted line! So the stress is now to find a house, not sell the house!

I thought I would enjoy house hunting more than I am. There is not as much choice as there was several years ago. And now having taken quite a drop in price for ours, we are certainly limited for our purchase. There are a few that we could be happy in I am sure, but do you compromise on something so important? But is it that important, because who's to say we won't move again? As long as it is re-saleable? It is impossible with what we can afford to have the location we want and the size house we would like.

It is boiling down to a really spacious house with four double bedrooms in an okay position in an okay location, or reasonable size property with three (two double) bedrooms in a really good position and really good location. The latter of course is more expensive and would stretch us, the first we could manage comfortably on a monthly basis. These are crazy hard decisions!

We had our valentines day on Friday the 13th. Friday the 13th!!! Bloody hell, that was brave. I am usually so superstitious, but there was no other time given our respective shifts. A champagne picnic......in the master bedroom! I realised the closest I was going to get to romantic candles and rose petals on the bed was if I arranged them myself. So I did. It looked beautiful - even Ali said so. I was very impressed with myself. D was more impressed with the bubbly and the afters! Such is life.

Doing more regular night shifts has been getting me down. Struggling is probably an understatement. I may have to rethink this whole situation and my childcare arrangements. When Ali starts school full time in September, my childminder will be unable to collect/drop her off anyway, so following the summer holidays I have a problem. However there is a before and after school club I could utilise - but this would mean a few very long days for Ali at school. How do you know what is best? Yet another parenting challenge. They are stacking up.