I'm Back!

 

So....I have 'found' my blog again! Not that the blog was ever lost - only me! Several years down the line and much has changed! I now have a little boy who is 2 years old this September and my daughter is now 7 years old - where on earth did the time go???

The main news is that me and the old man are getting married! Very soon - in October! I cannot believe how quickly it has come around. He is very nervous, I am panicking as have organised it all myself to accommodate our very small and tight budget, but I am also busting with excitement. A casual, relaxed day with fish and chips and an ice-cream van; both a cheese tower and a chocolate cake for our weddings cakes, (we are cake and cheese rather than chalk and cheese!); and dancing the night away! Simply cannot wait! It's coming fast!

We are expecting family that we haven't seen for years and some I haven't even met on D's side. Some friends and family from New Zealand are even flying over to be with us! That was my main concern - I wanted everyone we love and hold dear there to celebrate!

My dress is not red as I had hoped but it was a rather special ivory one that saved me when I thought I was never going to find 'the one' - so I may resolve to have some red shoes! I haven't lost as much weight as I had hoped but have had to just deal with this as there is now no time left and the dress needs altering!

And my 'piece de resistance' is my wow factor decorations! I am endeavouring to have 1000 paper cranes (or as close as we can get!) as this is lucky and a symbol of peace - and I will also pass these down as a family heirloom. I also have a rather fantastic lady making some paper lanterns that she designed herself, customised with a laser-cut pattern specific to our design. Think earthy wicker, berries, pine cones, tea-lights/fairy lights and ivy, then add a sprinkle of flowers and even chilli's! Well, 'creative' is my middle name and what better time to use it!

I have to say though, that what started as fun is now becoming a little stressful! With a hubby to be who is really not interested, a mother who wished we had eloped, one bridesmaid in France, two arranging their own weddings and the last working opposite days to me - I really am devoid of support right now! Hold it together Jen! Still - I am trying to be positive, this is, after all, what I have always dreamt of!

How have you all 'bean'?

If there is a god then over Christmas and New Year he emptied several enormous cannisters of frozen tiny pollestirine balls all over the North East, leaving us to battle with our nerves continously on a daily basis. Highly unprepared for this amount of snow, large parts of Blighty ground to a halt. Of course the NHS couldn't, it is a 24hr service, so we were all guilt tripped and even harrassed into making sure we turned in for work. I fought my way out of town at 5.30am one morning, with the help of three guys who were waiting for a bus, that would likely never arrive - who pushed me out from my parking space - thanks guys! The adrenaline that coarses through your body (and not in a good way) when driving around in this kind of weather is unreal, until you are almost physically shaking. And worrying about whether you are going to make it too and from work safely, every day, is unbelievably emotionally draining. Ali was in her element though. She was off school, and now thinks sledging and making snowmen is the best thing since sliced bread. We were, however, all tickled by the enormous icicle that was hanging by our front door. Now April and you would alsmost think it was the summer? We actually ate our tea outside tonight, the sun belting down on our backs and sunshades on. It was lovely without being baking hot! I am getting excited all over again about growing my tomatoes, and have some new greenhouses, curtousy of my dad, to plough ahead with them once again - minus the worry about all those horrible flys in the conservatory!

I am 26 now - another year older. Now pushing 30 I am not as excited about my birthdays anymore, although I do plan to celebrate my 30th in a big way, as I was pregnant when 21! Of course the snow prevented most of the celebrations we planned. It was a Chinese takeaway at home. Bloody snow. Of course the big news, and I suppose my main birthday present, I received two days before my birthday. We are pregnant again! So I am donning maternity bra's and fending off nausea as best I can. Deja vu? It is still quite early, but I cannot stop myself from getting excited. I love Ali to bits, but her arrival was surrounded by trepadation and anxiety, so it is lovely to be able to relax and enjoy everything this time. Although I thought I would be much happier when I got my stomach back - no such luck! I am destined to hate being pregnant - luckily I don't have to do it again! It is a good job too, not even half way and I feel like a beached whale already.

Ali is so excited. We are calling the baby 'Little Bean' at present as when I had an early scan (to ensure there was just one!), the baby was 1.2cm big (about the size of a baked bean) and I saw its little heart going. Now it is bigger but the name has just kind of 'stuck'. I have cheated and had a colleague at work take a sneaky peak to try and determine the sex. She thinks it has a willy! A boy! One of each! We are trying not to get too excited though as they can be wrong, but I have my anomaly scan with the sister on 19th April so we can ask then too. If the big boss says it has a willy as well - I reckon we can go with it!

D has a inguinal hernia, so it is like 'the adventures of hernia man and pregnant woman' in our house! We could write a comedy sketch, what with both of us gasping and crying out in pain when coughing and sneezing, and unable to get comfortable in bed! And trying to have sex - well, bloody hilarious. Well, funny with hindsight, not at the time. What with my uncertainty over which side of the line between pleasure and pain D was on, being that he was affected by his hernia, and me trying to encourage him away from lying on my bump. Not exactly a passionate love scene, as in the movies!

So the next few months are about surviving the ever expanding belly, trying to come up with a decent boys name, (and they just aren't as good as girls names), and planning my now big girls birthday party, which of course means having to come up with another fabulous cake to top last year's creation! Tinkerbell theme this time!

For some reason I'm not feeling very hungry anymore!?

Last month me and D celebrated 6 years together. 6 years! I can't quite believe it. How have we not driven each other mad yet?! It has been very important to me actually. I think of it as an achievement. Many people doubted we would make it even a fraction of that time, and so many relationships struggle in a now flirtatious and openly sexual society. Certainly I have always believed that there is a 2 year mark within relationships and that becomes decision making time. Should we continue, should we go our separate ways? I think we fought our way through this time for our daughter but became closer as a result, so it was worth it. 6 years therefore, to me, is something to be proud of! I said to D 'shall we try for another 6?' and he said 'Is that all?', heartily laughing.

We went into Newcastle for the night (Ali conveniently sleeping over with her Gran!), had a lovely Indian meal and went to see a film. It was really great to have some quality time together and it certainly feels like we only get out together for this one time a year! While waiting to see the film we had a few drinks in a bar which is also a club. D looked quite uncomfortable in this situation, it made me giggle for he certainly wasn't the oldest there, he is just so traditional it is quite amusing! We had a fabulous time and when home ate chocolates in bed! Luxury!

I have spent the morning trying to establish whether my mother is stranded in Cockermouth as the flood rages, but strangely it has not hit my grandmothers house. A big relief all round as it was hit very badly around the time Carlisle flooded. It seems from the news that the main street took it bad - but luckily, in many ways, my grandmother remains in hospital following her operation, preventing her from panicking about the rising river level. Mother has taken precautions and moved as much as possible upstairs, just in case, as the rain continues - will it ever stop!??

And of course, who knew that Cheryl Cole could actually sing?? Now don't get me wrong, I am a fan of hers, especially as she is from my neck of the woods; but Thursday night singing at the concert for Children in Need she actually took my breath away. She did look nervous, but that song is gorgeous and she sang it so well with Snow Patrol. Will this girl ever stop going up in our estimations? Of course now you have raised the bar Cheryl, you will have to keep it there! We love you though. My favourite as always was Annie Lennox. I am such a fan and she was brilliant as usual. I could here her at the end of the concert singing 'Hey Jude' with Sir Paul, but the cameras would not zoom in on her. Such passion in her voice. Amazing!

I have discovered a Disney site online that allows you to design your own fairy from the Tinkerbell film. We had a bash at it last night and Ali just loves it. Heck, I must confess I have even had a go myself - how sad. I don't suppose the Disney magic ever leaves you when you're female! Every woman dreams of being a princess and being rescued by their handsome prince, never mind the girls. Although I was brought up to question why the female characters weren't stronger, and that it should be a heroine rather than a hero. Consequences of a female lead single parent household I reckon!

D is away for a few days to go to a funeral in Scotland. The house is strange without him. I feel a little lost. I don't like it at all. He hardly says anything when he is here, but at least he is here in body. Very strange. We haven't been apart for long since I was at university in Leeds, which would be April 2005. Four years. Maybe we should be apart more often - it reminds you what you have!

Last night I caught a fraction of the 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here' programme on TV as I was going to bed. That woman who cleans the houses of disgusting people - Kim, she was eating all the really gross foods during one of the trials. I didn't know whether to laugh or wretch myself. What compelling viewing though. I had to keep watching. From fish eyes to kangaroo anus and testicles, oh my goodness; it sends a shiver down my spine just thinking about it. How do they do it?? I couldn't eat any of it if you paid me. Sunday dinner for us today! Not a testicle in sight! Only chicken.

New Phase

My baby started school last week and I am of mixed emotions! She did so well on her first day, a few small hiccups but we got there in the end. It was kind of surreal. All the parents filed into the classroom with their children, with the majority of the kids fairly happy but a bit dubious about what was occurring. Then as one small girl started to cry it was like a run of domino's, as another child started to cry, then another and another, until eventually Ali's eyes began to well up too. She was merely copying what all the others were doing because she had been fine and had expressed no anxiety about going to school at all. I kissed her, hugged her, told her it would be fun, and then ran. Being there was only making it worse, and I could feel that my tears were not far away. As I left I passed a mass of hysterical children, it was purely heartbreaking. To top it off another mother who had still been there with her daughter told me two days later that Ali was kneeling on the carpet with tears streaming down her face. Guilt, guilt, guilt. But I would have been doing her no favours by staying and sobbing with her. Now two weeks in she is fine and filing in on her own after the whistle. Watching her go into school just emphasizes how quickly time is passing. She is my little baby, with whom I paced about the floor for so many nights on end. Where did the time go?

Now that we are trying again I find myself in a new situation. 'Planning' for a baby. When we found out Ali was on the way we were excited, but it was over-shadowed by worries and anxiety. We didn't live together, I hadn't completed my degree and in the grand scheme of life we had not been together for long. There is something quite spiritual and calming about purposefully trying for a baby. I can feel a nervous excitement bubbling through me, waiting for the moment we have the news so that it can explode out. I can't wait to see D's face when we do the test together this time and it tells us the good news. And I can't wait to spend every night together in bed holding the bump and feeling the kicks instead of being 2hrs away from each other, stealing brief weekends here and there. Ali is constantly asking if the baby is coming yet because we have discussed having a baby with her since making the decision. She made me laugh yesterday because she told me she had sent a wish with a fairy to name the baby the name she had picked out if it's a boy. She won't tell us what it is though! So cute!

We have discovered that mutant spiders live nearby, and now that it's getting colder the blighters are coming indoors! Now there's not a chance that I will ever touch a spider but I am normally able to catch them in a glass and put them back outdoors. These enormous specimens are hideous, they make me shiver and get nervous, and they are so incredibly fast. I think I can hand on heart say I am not going anywhere near them! Unfortunately I have passed on my phobia to Ali. She happened to witness a spider fall onto my shoulder one day and I couldn't contain my reaction, I was hysterical. So now D laughs when we both have a hissy fit every time a spider scuttles about! But these clearly genetically modified beasts are well scary! Arachnophobia at aged 8 kinda scary!

Oh, and how the opposite of jolly are the 'Jolly Phonics'! Ali is beginning to learn how to sound out words at school and recognise letters. Today I attended a workshop for parents on how to support the learning of phonics. Jolly is not the word. Trying to remain positive, we accessed some of the websites suggested by her teacher to play the games that teach the phonics. After about half an hour of s-i-t, s-a-t, i-t, a-n, t-i-p etc etc, I have quite a h-e-a-d-a-c-h-e and had to give up. I sure needed a break before we had to head back out to school for trampolining. I feel like a y-o-y-o.

Raspberry jam, relatives and our daughter the blether!

I think we may have just bought 2 new sofas. We had to return the fabric swatches today with a final decision. How did this happen? One minute we are discussing the issue and both agree that the sofa's we have (although hideously blue and leather) are fine for now, the next minute we decide to 'just pop in' to SCS and have a look at what's available. Suddenly we are being offered coffee and are being schmoozed into putting down a deposit in return for borrowing the colour swatches overnight. ????? That salesman must have been good! To convince us to part with such an amount of money without much hesitation! Classy sofas though.

We had been staying with Granny in Scotland up until Friday gone, before bringing her home with us for a few days. She left today courtesy of the National Rail service. I love Scotland, there are some stunningly beautiful areas. Staying with Granny can be a little claustrophobic though. A small flat with three adults, including one MIL, and a hyperactive four year old, becomes mildly grating to say the least. Especially as Ali never shuts up these days. 'A wee blether' according to the guy in the local craft shop. And air fresheners on timers?? What is with that? Not only are they bizarre but you become a nervous wreck as they let out a sharp 'hissing' noise with each squirt of incense - which never fails to take you by surprise and get your heart racing.

There have been of course the occasional amusing discussions between D and his mum. One in particular was that of both parties trying to remember the phone number of an auntie in New Zealand. Though it was just both of them generating random numbers at each other not to each other, they would not take my advice and look it up in the book - it was a test of memory and neither would give in! Like I have got the time or patience. Both have a mild obsession with home-made raspberry jam and I am going deaf because the TV always has to be on maximum for any of my gorgeous fiances family to hear it - including him.

Compared with other trips to see Granny, we didn't visit so many relatives which was nice. We did see D's uncle (Granny's brother) who never fails to amuse me. While having coffee at D's auntie's house he clapped eyes on a neighbour trying to park her car in her driveway. Trying was the operative word, but I had to work hard to stop myself laughing when he brazenly said, 'Look at that stupid woman, she's at it again, she cannot park her car in her own driveway. She has 3 or 4 goes at it and there is enough room to park a bus in there side-e-ways.' I was very tickled. I also love visiting another of D's uncle's (his dad's brother), because he is so jolly and recites stories for Ali and banters with her, making her laugh. So all in all, a canny trip in terms of relatives.

While up North we visited the Beatrix Potter Museum in Birnam. It was so sweet and totally catered to generating the interest of children. It was a shame that we didn't have more time there. All the information was clearly set out and defined for the older children/adults, and there was a series of activities for the younger. There were jigsaws; drawing/colouring utensils; mountains of books; role play areas - including a cute make-shift puppet theatre, a shop, a dolls house and tea sets; and a rolling series of stories on DVD playing on a TV in a small area full of bean bags. There was also a game which was a cross between 'hook a duck' and 'magnetic fish pond', where you had to hook characters using rods from a bucket which generated scores to total up. It was simply gorgeous. Well worth a look.

We also drove to Loch of the Lowes where we endeavoured to observe the Osprey. No such luck unfortunately. Granny thought she may have seen one but sadly keeping Ali quiet enough to partake in the bird-watching held most of my attention. There was a red squirrel which was stunning and quite exciting as I have not seen one for many years. We only have grey's in our area. Surprisingly I have started sketching again in the form of garden and woodland birds. I forgot I had it in me. Why I cannot generate something that might bring in some money is beyond me.

My most favourite excursion was to a local pottery store ('Going Pottie') where you could paint a tile, figure or kitchen utensil to take away with you. I thought this would be something different to try with Ali so we gave it a go. Ali chose a small unicorn and we set out to paint it. Well....the OCD in me just took over and I found myself interfering with Ali and trying to paint the figure for her. I couldn't stop myself. Plan B was executed - to both have a tile so that mummy could have a go and Ali could have free artistic reign over her design! The genius of the activity was that you could dry the paint with a hair dryer and paint over it again at any stage. This was key as Ali became cross with her attempts several times and we had to paint over the pattern and start again. Aside from Ali getting her hair caught in the hairdryer, the whole event was pretty successful. After some time though I found it tough encouraging Ali, so Daddy swooped in to assist and I got my moment in time to continue to re-discover my own artistic skills.

There has been much discussion over D's sister visiting from New Zealand next year. Suggestions including renting a cottage on the West Coast of Scotland or in France for a week or so, have been put forward by Granny. (There are relatives in France too). This has led to a week of lying about 'trying' and 'flying', as we have decided to try for another baby soon which if successful would make me due around the same time. Of course this rules out flying and likely being anywhere other than at home for this period of time. Granny was not keen on us having further children therefore she has not been enlightened of this plan as yet - hence the lying. The weeks discussion has been awkward to say the least. And the guilt. New sofas probably weren't the best idea.

Happy holidays!

My two weeks holiday from work have finally started, following several gruelling weeks of running close to the edge and repetitive tears. It's strange that you begin to find yourself so run into the ground immediately before your holidays are due! Good timing? Or do we just know when we are going to need them?

After managing a marginal 'lie in' yesterday, we decided to try out the 'Maize Maze' at our local organic food farm, with a friend of mine and her son who is the same age as Ali. The kids managed the whole event really well. We kept their spirits up by reciting lines from films and they managed to collect 14 of the 17 letters we had to find to spell out words, before everything was drawn to a close by Ali needing a poo! It was becoming quite hot by this point and we had walked round in circles for some time, so it was likely a blessing in disguise. It was a great idea for a change from the norm though. Perhaps it would be good to return when they are slightly older - when they can actually recognise the letters and form words! It was fun though and later it gave us mothers a chance to drink wine and catch up! And we never say no to a bottle of wine, ever!

Today I attended a gathering arranged for a colleague of mine in celebration of her retirement. Lunch out - it was great. It was really great. To see everyone out of work, laughing and smiling. A totally stress free environment - the opposite of work! And more wine! I think it may be wine weekend. Everyone looked amazing. It's funny because we all wear scrubs for work so no one has any kind of figure, but when midwives 'scrub up' to go out - they don't do it by halves! Make-up, floaty yet fitted clothing and many, many heels. As it should be. We will miss her, I will miss her - she was a great support and became a good friend; and she is not nearly old enough to be retiring!

We are off to visit the MIL on Monday. Ali is very excited about seeing Granny. Scotland for a few days and then Granny will come home with us for a few days. No Sky TV, no computer, likely no phone signal - how on earth will I cope??? I may have to take a reading book, how very... intellectual. I may well just go out and buy Cosmo, just in case!

Of late I find I have come to a decision point in my life. It is now time to decide on whether or not to have another baby. This I think would have been my actual 'brooding' time if our first had been as per my original life plan; but ironically it ties in with Ali being 4, and she is constantly asking for a brother or sister. I had always said I couldn't even think about it until Ali was at school because I knew I would not cope at home with two pre-school age. I do not want to leave a huge gap between my children and I feel as time moves on the less I am likely to want to under-go the trials of childbearing again. (As much as I loved the stretch marks, saggy boobs and sleepless nights!) And I always wanted more than one because I was very close to my brother and cannot imagine having an only child. All in all this is looking more and more like the time to go for it. Or certainly enjoy trying! So, while I am popping diet pills to shed as much weight as possible in weeks, rather than months and years, (because we may go for it sooner rather than later); D is cacking himself about how this will effect our 'financial situation'. Although he has agreed we should think about it again now.

Hand in hand with this decision is the fact I have to put aside my wedding plans once again. Which is a shame, because I have just revisited Matfen Hall during an open evening - and it is more gorgeous than I remember. Interestingly I received a brochure which listed all the venues for civil ceremonies in the county, and there are many venues much cheaper than Matfen Hall - which is a shame, as money may dictate the day in the end. It could be beautiful to have my children with us on our wedding day, so it may be a good decision to have another before we tie the knot. Isn't life hard!? I mean these are massive life changing events I am casually debating here! Massive.

It's like the harvest festival at home right now. I am snowed under in droves of cucumbers, the conservatory is more phallic than Ann Summers and I am having to give them away. The small sweet tomatoes are unbelievably gorgeous we are eating them straight from the vine. Pepper growing has been a complex, but I am getting a few small offerings, and the strawberries are being stolen by the snails and slugs! I am no green fingers however - I prefer them Red, hot! The multitude of fruit and veg come with a dark side too though. The conservatory is a giant fly magnet! (A giant conservatory not giant fly that is!) Courtesy of my Dad, I have a fabulous insecticide pen that you use to draw around the window pane. I would rather have a fly graveyard to contend with on a daily basis than a fly commune. At least they are not buzzing around our heads anymore!

In amidst the roles of mother, wife and midwife, I seem to have lost the 'me', again. I have decided I need something in my life for 'me'. I am not even sure who 'me' is anymore. The something I have decided on is photography. I have spent the last few months seeing my surroundings in a different way. Numerous times I have seen a landscape or an object or a scene and thought to myself - I wish that I could capture that. It isn't going to be easy. There is no way I can afford to stop working full time, therefore it will be something else to fit into my life. But I guess, when you want something enough you can achieve it. I will only regret it if I don't try.

Certainly of late I have felt my role as 'wife' become very trying. Though we are not married, myself and D live together as if we were. We have done since Ali was born 4 years ago. But it is getting harder not easier as I thought it would. How do you maintain a long term relationship, what is the secret? How do men and women poles apart in ways of thinking live under the same roof and execute a life together? Mars and Venus is an understatement. Life plods on only because of Ali, work commitments and mortgage commitments, but it doesn't feel like 'living'. Do we get so used to each other that neither party feels it necessary to make a little effort anymore? What if it's only one member of the double act that is shirking? How do you get them to make a little more effort without hurting their feelings? And how do you stop yourself from 'wandering' while you aren't getting the attention you feel you deserve? (Notice the avoidance of ownership of those statements!) Is that harsh? I'm so harsh - god relationships are tough. I'm just craving a little romance. A rose here, a kiss and a squeeze there - just to remind me why we entered into all this in the first place.