Mother, Wife, Midwife!

How have you all 'bean'?

2010-04-11T18:19:00.005+01:00

If there is a god then over Christmas and New Year he emptied several enormous cannisters of frozen tiny pollestirine balls all over the North East, leaving us to battle with our nerves continously on a daily basis. Highly unprepared for this amount of snow, large parts of Blighty ground to a halt. Of course the NHS couldn't, it is a 24hr service, so we were all guilt tripped and even harrassed into making sure we turned in for work. I fought my way out of town at 5.30am one morning, with the help of three guys who were waiting for a bus, that would likely never arrive - who pushed me out from my parking space - thanks guys! The adrenaline that coarses through your body (and not in a good way) when driving around in this kind of weather is unreal, until you are almost physically shaking. And worrying about whether you are going to make it too and from work safely, every day, is unbelievably emotionally draining. Ali was in her element though. She was off school, and now thinks sledging and making snowmen is the best thing since sliced bread. We were, however, all tickled by the enormous icicle that was hanging by our front door. Now April and you would alsmost think it was the summer? We actually ate our tea outside tonight, the sun belting down on our backs and sunshades on. It was lovely without being baking hot! I am getting excited all over again about growing my tomatoes, and have some new greenhouses, curtousy of my dad, to plough ahead with them once again - minus the worry about all those horrible flys in the conservatory!

I am 26 now - another year older. Now pushing 30 I am not as excited about my birthdays anymore, although I do plan to celebrate my 30th in a big way, as I was pregnant when 21! Of course the snow prevented most of the celebrations we planned. It was a Chinese takeaway at home. Bloody snow. Of course the big news, and I suppose my main birthday present, I received two days before my birthday. We are pregnant again! So I am donning maternity bra's and fending off nausea as best I can. Deja vu? It is still quite early, but I cannot stop myself from getting excited. I love Ali to bits, but her arrival was surrounded by trepadation and anxiety, so it is lovely to be able to relax and enjoy everything this time. Although I thought I would be much happier when I got my stomach back - no such luck! I am destined to hate being pregnant - luckily I don't have to do it again! It is a good job too, not even half way and I feel like a beached whale already.

Ali is so excited. We are calling the baby 'Little Bean' at present as when I had an early scan (to ensure there was just one!), the baby was 1.2cm big (about the size of a baked bean) and I saw its little heart going. Now it is bigger but the name has just kind of 'stuck'. I have cheated and had a colleague at work take a sneaky peak to try and determine the sex. She thinks it has a willy! A boy! One of each! We are trying not to get too excited though as they can be wrong, but I have my anomaly scan with the sister on 19th April so we can ask then too. If the big boss says it has a willy as well - I reckon we can go with it!

D has a inguinal hernia, so it is like 'the adventures of hernia man and pregnant woman' in our house! We could write a comedy sketch, what with both of us gasping and crying out in pain when coughing and sneezing, and unable to get comfortable in bed! And trying to have sex - well, bloody hilarious. Well, funny with hindsight, not at the time. What with my uncertainty over which side of the line between pleasure and pain D was on, being that he was affected by his hernia, and me trying to encourage him away from lying on my bump. Not exactly a passionate love scene, as in the movies!

So the next few months are about surviving the ever expanding belly, trying to come up with a decent boys name, (and they just aren't as good as girls names), and planning my now big girls birthday party, which of course means having to come up with another fabulous cake to top last year's creation! Tinkerbell theme this time!

For some reason I'm not feeling very hungry anymore!?

2009-10-18T16:18:00.007+01:00

Last month me and D celebrated 6 years together. 6 years! I can't quite believe it. How have we not driven each other mad yet?! It has been very important to me actually. I think of it as an achievement. Many people doubted we would make it even a fraction of that time, and so many relationships struggle in a now flirtatious and openly sexual society. Certainly I have always believed that there is a 2 year mark within relationships and that becomes decision making time. Should we continue, should we go our separate ways? I think we fought our way through this time for our daughter but became closer as a result, so it was worth it. 6 years therefore, to me, is something to be proud of! I said to D 'shall we try for another 6?' and he said 'Is that all?', heartily laughing.

We went into Newcastle for the night (Ali conveniently sleeping over with her Gran!), had a lovely Indian meal and went to see a film. It was really great to have some quality time together and it certainly feels like we only get out together for this one time a year! While waiting to see the film we had a few drinks in a bar which is also a club. D looked quite uncomfortable in this situation, it made me giggle for he certainly wasn't the oldest there, he is just so traditional it is quite amusing! We had a fabulous time and when home ate chocolates in bed! Luxury!

I have spent the morning trying to establish whether my mother is stranded in Cockermouth as the flood rages, but strangely it has not hit my grandmothers house. A big relief all round as it was hit very badly around the time Carlisle flooded. It seems from the news that the main street took it bad - but luckily, in many ways, my grandmother remains in hospital following her operation, preventing her from panicking about the rising river level. Mother has taken precautions and moved as much as possible upstairs, just in case, as the rain continues - will it ever stop!??

And of course, who knew that Cheryl Cole could actually sing?? Now don't get me wrong, I am a fan of hers, especially as she is from my neck of the woods; but Thursday night singing at the concert for Children in Need she actually took my breath away. She did look nervous, but that song is gorgeous and she sang it so well with Snow Patrol. Will this girl ever stop going up in our estimations? Of course now you have raised the bar Cheryl, you will have to keep it there! We love you though. My favourite as always was Annie Lennox. I am such a fan and she was brilliant as usual. I could here her at the end of the concert singing 'Hey Jude' with Sir Paul, but the cameras would not zoom in on her. Such passion in her voice. Amazing!

I have discovered a Disney site online that allows you to design your own fairy from the Tinkerbell film. We had a bash at it last night and Ali just loves it. Heck, I must confess I have even had a go myself - how sad. I don't suppose the Disney magic ever leaves you when you're female! Every woman dreams of being a princess and being rescued by their handsome prince, never mind the girls. Although I was brought up to question why the female characters weren't stronger, and that it should be a heroine rather than a hero. Consequences of a female lead single parent household I reckon!

D is away for a few days to go to a funeral in Scotland. The house is strange without him. I feel a little lost. I don't like it at all. He hardly says anything when he is here, but at least he is here in body. Very strange. We haven't been apart for long since I was at university in Leeds, which would be April 2005. Four years. Maybe we should be apart more often - it reminds you what you have!

Last night I caught a fraction of the 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here' programme on TV as I was going to bed. That woman who cleans the houses of disgusting people - Kim, she was eating all the really gross foods during one of the trials. I didn't know whether to laugh or wretch myself. What compelling viewing though. I had to keep watching. From fish eyes to kangaroo anus and testicles, oh my goodness; it sends a shiver down my spine just thinking about it. How do they do it?? I couldn't eat any of it if you paid me. Sunday dinner for us today! Not a testicle in sight! Only chicken.

New Phase

2009-09-17T22:19:00.000+01:00

My baby started school last week and I am of mixed emotions! She did so well on her first day, a few small hiccups but we got there in the end. It was kind of surreal. All the parents filed into the classroom with their children, with the majority of the kids fairly happy but a bit dubious about what was occurring. Then as one small girl started to cry it was like a run of domino's, as another child started to cry, then another and another, until eventually Ali's eyes began to well up too. She was merely copying what all the others were doing because she had been fine and had expressed no anxiety about going to school at all. I kissed her, hugged her, told her it would be fun, and then ran. Being there was only making it worse, and I could feel that my tears were not far away. As I left I passed a mass of hysterical children, it was purely heartbreaking. To top it off another mother who had still been there with her daughter told me two days later that Ali was kneeling on the carpet with tears streaming down her face. Guilt, guilt, guilt. But I would have been doing her no favours by staying and sobbing with her. Now two weeks in she is fine and filing in on her own after the whistle. Watching her go into school just emphasizes how quickly time is passing. She is my little baby, with whom I paced about the floor for so many nights on end. Where did the time go?

Now that we are trying again I find myself in a new situation. 'Planning' for a baby. When we found out Ali was on the way we were excited, but it was over-shadowed by worries and anxiety. We didn't live together, I hadn't completed my degree and in the grand scheme of life we had not been together for long. There is something quite spiritual and calming about purposefully trying for a baby. I can feel a nervous excitement bubbling through me, waiting for the moment we have the news so that it can explode out. I can't wait to see D's face when we do the test together this time and it tells us the good news. And I can't wait to spend every night together in bed holding the bump and feeling the kicks instead of being 2hrs away from each other, stealing brief weekends here and there. Ali is constantly asking if the baby is coming yet because we have discussed having a baby with her since making the decision. She made me laugh yesterday because she told me she had sent a wish with a fairy to name the baby the name she had picked out if it's a boy. She won't tell us what it is though! So cute!

We have discovered that mutant spiders live nearby, and now that it's getting colder the blighters are coming indoors! Now there's not a chance that I will ever touch a spider but I am normally able to catch them in a glass and put them back outdoors. These enormous specimens are hideous, they make me shiver and get nervous, and they are so incredibly fast. I think I can hand on heart say I am not going anywhere near them! Unfortunately I have passed on my phobia to Ali. She happened to witness a spider fall onto my shoulder one day and I couldn't contain my reaction, I was hysterical. So now D laughs when we both have a hissy fit every time a spider scuttles about! But these clearly genetically modified beasts are well scary! Arachnophobia at aged 8 kinda scary!

Oh, and how the opposite of jolly are the 'Jolly Phonics'! Ali is beginning to learn how to sound out words at school and recognise letters. Today I attended a workshop for parents on how to support the learning of phonics. Jolly is not the word. Trying to remain positive, we accessed some of the websites suggested by her teacher to play the games that teach the phonics. After about half an hour of s-i-t, s-a-t, i-t, a-n, t-i-p etc etc, I have quite a h-e-a-d-a-c-h-e and had to give up. I sure needed a break before we had to head back out to school for trampolining. I feel like a y-o-y-o.

Raspberry jam, relatives and our daughter the blether!

2009-09-01T22:28:00.008+01:00

I think we may have just bought 2 new sofas. We had to return the fabric swatches today with a final decision. How did this happen? One minute we are discussing the issue and both agree that the sofa's we have (although hideously blue and leather) are fine for now, the next minute we decide to 'just pop in' to SCS and have a look at what's available. Suddenly we are being offered coffee and are being schmoozed into putting down a deposit in return for borrowing the colour swatches overnight. ????? That salesman must have been good! To convince us to part with such an amount of money without much hesitation! Classy sofas though.

We had been staying with Granny in Scotland up until Friday gone, before bringing her home with us for a few days. She left today courtesy of the National Rail service. I love Scotland, there are some stunningly beautiful areas. Staying with Granny can be a little claustrophobic though. A small flat with three adults, including one MIL, and a hyperactive four year old, becomes mildly grating to say the least. Especially as Ali never shuts up these days. 'A wee blether' according to the guy in the local craft shop. And air fresheners on timers?? What is with that? Not only are they bizarre but you become a nervous wreck as they let out a sharp 'hissing' noise with each squirt of incense - which never fails to take you by surprise and get your heart racing.

There have been of course the occasional amusing discussions between D and his mum. One in particular was that of both parties trying to remember the phone number of an auntie in New Zealand. Though it was just both of them generating random numbers at each other not to each other, they would not take my advice and look it up in the book - it was a test of memory and neither would give in! Like I have got the time or patience. Both have a mild obsession with home-made raspberry jam and I am going deaf because the TV always has to be on maximum for any of my gorgeous fiances family to hear it - including him.

Compared with other trips to see Granny, we didn't visit so many relatives which was nice. We did see D's uncle (Granny's brother) who never fails to amuse me. While having coffee at D's auntie's house he clapped eyes on a neighbour trying to park her car in her driveway. Trying was the operative word, but I had to work hard to stop myself laughing when he brazenly said, 'Look at that stupid woman, she's at it again, she cannot park her car in her own driveway. She has 3 or 4 goes at it and there is enough room to park a bus in there side-e-ways.' I was very tickled. I also love visiting another of D's uncle's (his dad's brother), because he is so jolly and recites stories for Ali and banters with her, making her laugh. So all in all, a canny trip in terms of relatives.

While up North we visited the Beatrix Potter Museum in Birnam. It was so sweet and totally catered to generating the interest of children. It was a shame that we didn't have more time there. All the information was clearly set out and defined for the older children/adults, and there was a series of activities for the younger. There were jigsaws; drawing/colouring utensils; mountains of books; role play areas - including a cute make-shift puppet theatre, a shop, a dolls house and tea sets; and a rolling series of stories on DVD playing on a TV in a small area full of bean bags. There was also a game which was a cross between 'hook a duck' and 'magnetic fish pond', where you had to hook characters using rods from a bucket which generated scores to total up. It was simply gorgeous. Well worth a look.

We also drove to Loch of the Lowes where we endeavoured to observe the Osprey. No such luck unfortunately. Granny thought she may have seen one but sadly keeping Ali quiet enough to partake in the bird-watching held most of my attention. There was a red squirrel which was stunning and quite exciting as I have not seen one for many years. We only have grey's in our area. Surprisingly I have started sketching again in the form of garden and woodland birds. I forgot I had it in me. Why I cannot generate something that might bring in some money is beyond me.

My most favourite excursion was to a local pottery store ('Going Pottie') where you could paint a tile, figure or kitchen utensil to take away with you. I thought this would be something different to try with Ali so we gave it a go. Ali chose a small unicorn and we set out to paint it. Well....the OCD in me just took over and I found myself interfering with Ali and trying to paint the figure for her. I couldn't stop myself. Plan B was executed - to both have a tile so that mummy could have a go and Ali could have free artistic reign over her design! The genius of the activity was that you could dry the paint with a hair dryer and paint over it again at any stage. This was key as Ali became cross with her attempts several times and we had to paint over the pattern and start again. Aside from Ali getting her hair caught in the hairdryer, the whole event was pretty successful. After some time though I found it tough encouraging Ali, so Daddy swooped in to assist and I got my moment in time to continue to re-discover my own artistic skills.

There has been much discussion over D's sister visiting from New Zealand next year. Suggestions including renting a cottage on the West Coast of Scotland or in France for a week or so, have been put forward by Granny. (There are relatives in France too). This has led to a week of lying about 'trying' and 'flying', as we have decided to try for another baby soon which if successful would make me due around the same time. Of course this rules out flying and likely being anywhere other than at home for this period of time. Granny was not keen on us having further children therefore she has not been enlightened of this plan as yet - hence the lying. The weeks discussion has been awkward to say the least. And the guilt. New sofas probably weren't the best idea.

Happy holidays!

2009-08-22T23:39:00.005+01:00

My two weeks holiday from work have finally started, following several gruelling weeks of running close to the edge and repetitive tears. It's strange that you begin to find yourself so run into the ground immediately before your holidays are due! Good timing? Or do we just know when we are going to need them?

After managing a marginal 'lie in' yesterday, we decided to try out the 'Maize Maze' at our local organic food farm, with a friend of mine and her son who is the same age as Ali. The kids managed the whole event really well. We kept their spirits up by reciting lines from films and they managed to collect 14 of the 17 letters we had to find to spell out words, before everything was drawn to a close by Ali needing a poo! It was becoming quite hot by this point and we had walked round in circles for some time, so it was likely a blessing in disguise. It was a great idea for a change from the norm though. Perhaps it would be good to return when they are slightly older - when they can actually recognise the letters and form words! It was fun though and later it gave us mothers a chance to drink wine and catch up! And we never say no to a bottle of wine, ever!

Today I attended a gathering arranged for a colleague of mine in celebration of her retirement. Lunch out - it was great. It was really great. To see everyone out of work, laughing and smiling. A totally stress free environment - the opposite of work! And more wine! I think it may be wine weekend. Everyone looked amazing. It's funny because we all wear scrubs for work so no one has any kind of figure, but when midwives 'scrub up' to go out - they don't do it by halves! Make-up, floaty yet fitted clothing and many, many heels. As it should be. We will miss her, I will miss her - she was a great support and became a good friend; and she is not nearly old enough to be retiring!

We are off to visit the MIL on Monday. Ali is very excited about seeing Granny. Scotland for a few days and then Granny will come home with us for a few days. No Sky TV, no computer, likely no phone signal - how on earth will I cope??? I may have to take a reading book, how very... intellectual. I may well just go out and buy Cosmo, just in case!

Of late I find I have come to a decision point in my life. It is now time to decide on whether or not to have another baby. This I think would have been my actual 'brooding' time if our first had been as per my original life plan; but ironically it ties in with Ali being 4, and she is constantly asking for a brother or sister. I had always said I couldn't even think about it until Ali was at school because I knew I would not cope at home with two pre-school age. I do not want to leave a huge gap between my children and I feel as time moves on the less I am likely to want to under-go the trials of childbearing again. (As much as I loved the stretch marks, saggy boobs and sleepless nights!) And I always wanted more than one because I was very close to my brother and cannot imagine having an only child. All in all this is looking more and more like the time to go for it. Or certainly enjoy trying! So, while I am popping diet pills to shed as much weight as possible in weeks, rather than months and years, (because we may go for it sooner rather than later); D is cacking himself about how this will effect our 'financial situation'. Although he has agreed we should think about it again now.

Hand in hand with this decision is the fact I have to put aside my wedding plans once again. Which is a shame, because I have just revisited Matfen Hall during an open evening - and it is more gorgeous than I remember. Interestingly I received a brochure which listed all the venues for civil ceremonies in the county, and there are many venues much cheaper than Matfen Hall - which is a shame, as money may dictate the day in the end. It could be beautiful to have my children with us on our wedding day, so it may be a good decision to have another before we tie the knot. Isn't life hard!? I mean these are massive life changing events I am casually debating here! Massive.

2009-08-01T23:19:00.000+01:00

It's like the harvest festival at home right now. I am snowed under in droves of cucumbers, the conservatory is more phallic than Ann Summers and I am having to give them away. The small sweet tomatoes are unbelievably gorgeous we are eating them straight from the vine. Pepper growing has been a complex, but I am getting a few small offerings, and the strawberries are being stolen by the snails and slugs! I am no green fingers however - I prefer them Red, hot! The multitude of fruit and veg come with a dark side too though. The conservatory is a giant fly magnet! (A giant conservatory not giant fly that is!) Courtesy of my Dad, I have a fabulous insecticide pen that you use to draw around the window pane. I would rather have a fly graveyard to contend with on a daily basis than a fly commune. At least they are not buzzing around our heads anymore!

In amidst the roles of mother, wife and midwife, I seem to have lost the 'me', again. I have decided I need something in my life for 'me'. I am not even sure who 'me' is anymore. The something I have decided on is photography. I have spent the last few months seeing my surroundings in a different way. Numerous times I have seen a landscape or an object or a scene and thought to myself - I wish that I could capture that. It isn't going to be easy. There is no way I can afford to stop working full time, therefore it will be something else to fit into my life. But I guess, when you want something enough you can achieve it. I will only regret it if I don't try.

Certainly of late I have felt my role as 'wife' become very trying. Though we are not married, myself and D live together as if we were. We have done since Ali was born 4 years ago. But it is getting harder not easier as I thought it would. How do you maintain a long term relationship, what is the secret? How do men and women poles apart in ways of thinking live under the same roof and execute a life together? Mars and Venus is an understatement. Life plods on only because of Ali, work commitments and mortgage commitments, but it doesn't feel like 'living'. Do we get so used to each other that neither party feels it necessary to make a little effort anymore? What if it's only one member of the double act that is shirking? How do you get them to make a little more effort without hurting their feelings? And how do you stop yourself from 'wandering' while you aren't getting the attention you feel you deserve? (Notice the avoidance of ownership of those statements!) Is that harsh? I'm so harsh - god relationships are tough. I'm just craving a little romance. A rose here, a kiss and a squeeze there - just to remind me why we entered into all this in the first place.

2009-07-20T22:23:00.005+01:00

I have a dream. A simpler and more selfish dream than the original dream visualised in tandem with this saying. My dream.

The strangely comforting smell of cigarettes and alcohol linger in the background and the sound of someones heart breaking churns out steadily from the juke box in the corner. Continuous monotone conversation meanders around the room from the bar to the door, and blurred in the background are friends playing pool and drinking merrily. Talking quietly, completely enthralled by each other, I stop regularly to laugh shyly and nervously spin my drink stirrer, listening intently; while you look into my eyes so intensely it sends the butterfly's in my stomach wild. Leaning into each others space across the small booth table, you take my hand and ask me to dance as a slow tear jerking song begins to unwind. There is a small space to one side of the bar and without another word you lead me there, spinning me into you until our body's meet firmly and sliding your arm around my waist as I gently place my hand on your shoulder. Taking my other hand to chest height and resting it between us, you look directly at me while starting a slow movement with the count of the beat. Melting into one another, both in ore of the moment and nothing needs voicing. Our free hands remain linked and caress the other in an opening/closing, skin tingling motion and my heels glide across the floor tipping my line into yours and following your lead effortlessly. You strongly support and guide me and offer a cheek to cheek moment allowing the smell of one another to readily perfuse the immediate area. My heart begins to race as your hand lowers to the small of my back generating a concentrated warmth through my satin blouse, to that ever so sensitive part of me. My hand strays from your shoulder to stroke the back of your neck while our pelvises orientate closer our legs alternating and inter-wound so that our motion becomes less grand and more localised to the spot. Bringing your eyes to meet mine again your mouth brushes across my lips generating an air thick with longing and the motion becomes a complete stand still. Suddenly I come to understand the phrase 'undressing each other with their eyes', as I become completely yours to possess.

I have a dream.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness obviously never danced in the rain

2009-07-17T22:55:00.009+01:00

All the sleeping and fighting to do simple daily tasks has left me totally drained. Like I have been hit by a bus. It is hard to explain but at the same time exactly as they said it would be. My body aches, particularly my neck, but is this from the bug or from all the sleeping/tossing and turning? D hasn't touched me all week. More so than normal. Like I am a giant germ that might render him into the same useless state. I don't know why I am so bothered, even before I became a germ I had to ask him to hold me or touch me. Something is seriously wrong there. I think he has retreated into his cave on Mars again.

This morning I felt so lifeless I went to stand in the rain to prove to myself I wasn't still sleeping. Standing in a puddle, in my nightie, I let the drops fall hard and fast across my bare skin and watched the goose-pimples stand to attention. It felt so good a chill ran down my back. Warm rain. For the first time in so long, months, I felt like I was alive. Like I was wholly in the present moment. Like nothing else mattered but this feeling of stimulation. Pondering my life for a minute I threw myself back to the last time a pleasurable feeling totally washed over my whole body. Too long ago.

Today I also managed to finish a novel, the first full book I have read since before I met D. Quite an accomplishment. But it left me reeling! The ending had been left open for the reader to decide, and I had read and read incessantly to get my happy ending. So imagine it - I keep telling myself, but I so wanted to read it as part of my achievement. Why am I so bothered by this? When I had finished I began to think about bizarre things like the fact I haven't worn socks or shoes for days, and that the purple pointy flowers on the Budlia in the garden looked like an array of arrows pointing in all directions, like a scene from Alice in Wonderland. Have I awoken my imagination?

2009-07-16T08:51:00.006+01:00

My not so little brother has now graduated with a fantastic 2:1 in Business Computing! His graduation ceremony was at the Stadium of Light - much to his horror being a Newcastle supporter, but to my dads delight being a Sunderland fan. It was a lovely ceremony, modern, in fitting with the course. The staff were very friendly and helpful and the indoor suites were great, but the food was not even average. We paid £20 each for a ticket and I was given 2 tiny sausages, a vegetable spring roll, an Indian parcel, a few cold and hard chips, a brushetta, a sandwich and a tiny little tart the size of a £2 coin. All the 'hot' food was cold by the time we got to it and you had to take your ticket up to get your meal so you weren't allowed any further food. It was a shame when everything else had been so impressive.

In a rather comedy moment the guy which my mum had been sat beside during the ceremony, (a rather gorgeous, African guy!) who had also been cheering on his best friend and his brother, asked for my brothers name and stood up and cheered him on too! Very random, but sweet I guess. How unfair is life when it is your mother being chatted up?

Incidentally I have run myself into the ground and left myself open to 'suspected' swine flu. Although no one is being tested anymore so I will never really know for sure. Anti-virals and plenty of sleep required. Mainly I feel as though my throat is on fire and like I have been hit by a bus. And although I don't have D & V, my body does not want food in it and if I eat, it rapidly leaves at the other end, up to 8 times a day! Too much detail I hear you yell. Christ, I'm turning into my mum - she has an obsession with talking about bowel movements. Enough said. Halls soothers and back to bed.

2009-07-11T22:00:00.007+01:00

Today Ali found a potato shaped like Sid the Sloth's head from 'Ice Age'! It was hilarious. We were laughing about it so much in the vegetable shop that the owner actually gave it to Ali to take home! How nice! I have no idea how we are going to bring ourselves to eat it though!

We have also been to see Walking with Dinosaurs at the Metro Arena. We really enjoyed it. My mum won some tickets so we took Ali and another couple of family members. Ali was a little scared to begin with but when we pointed out the people and machinery working the models she relaxed. The popcorn also worked as a calming distraction! (All £3 worth). So we got to see the show for free which was great and probably would have been worth paying for - but the merchandise, whoo, extortionate! The cheapest item of memorabilia was a small helium balloon shaped like T-Rex which cost £5. I mean £5!!! Ridiculous. But of course they are very clever. Staff hovered in the doorway as we left the building - so you cannot possibly leave without seeing the balloons, then of course comes, 'Oh look mummy a dinosaur balloon, can I have a dinosaur balloon, please mummy please'. 'No darling, they are very expensive'. 'Oh please mummy please'. (Getting increasingly high pitched and whiny). 'Darling they cost too much money.' 'Ohhhhh pllllleeeeeeaaaasssssseeeee, please mummy please, look they are nearly all gone, please mummy.' And then that is it - the clincher! In about 30seconds they will all be gone because too few are being bought so quickly; so suddenly despite my previous arguments my daughter simply must have a dinosaur balloon and several of us are diving into the crowd, money extended out at arms length in exchange for a balloon. No, they are not stupid, they know how to make money! £12 for a programme - jees - we could have become bloody bankrupt and we didn't even pay for the tickets. Brilliant show though. Unbelievably intelligent, clever clever production. Well worth a visit.

2009-07-09T22:18:00.003+01:00

Well it would seem I have competition in the birthday cake department. A few days ago a friend of mine had a birthday party for her son who is the same ages as Ali, and she had created a 'Rory the Racing Car' cake. It was fabulous, so it seems I do not hold the monopoly in the birthday cake market. In fact it could be argued she did one better as she actually baked the cake! Damn. However, I am already planning next years creation! And it seems a friend of mine has challenged me to a retirement cake in the shape of a zimmer frame! After pondering the possibility of this for all of 2 seconds, my best offer would have to be false teeth?!

Having just ploughed on straight from a night shift to a nursery trip out to Whitehouse Farm with Ali and her class, to trampolining club, and on to a parents evening/presentation to inform us about the transition from Nursery to Reception in school; I am now taking a few short minutes to simply do nothing before a sumptuous, well deserved early night. D is reading a guide to 'Florence and Tuscany' which has me very excited. I will have to start leaving more obvious hints while the idea is in his head - get him to follow through! I think I can keep on dreaming!

"Her name was Lola....she was a challenge....for 3+ hours of my life, I built her up with cake and knife."

2009-06-29T22:00:00.005+01:00

The giraffe has gone! Hallelujah! It has taken the best part of a week, a helping hand from a family friend and 3, almost 4, layers of paint to make it go away! We are now 'Pavillion' in colour in the lounge - it is like a warm beige colour, and the room looks twice the size! White on the ceiling has created the feeling of an extra foot on the height, and two 'African pot' looking ceramic wall lamps have set the ambiance off beautifully. (Although they do look like alien space ships when its dark!) All in all a successful redecoration project.

It was Ali's birthday a couple of Sunday's ago. She woke at exactly the same time that I began to contract the day she was born - which freaked me out! We had been up until 2am decorating and wrapping presents because I was so late home from work the night before, so I was really lethargic. Ali was buzzing though and seriously excited when she saw everything downstairs. What an array of presents!

Ali had asked for a 'Charlie and Lola' themed birthday party but could I find a Charlie and Lola birthday cake? Could I hell as like! When I realised it was going to cost approximately £60 to have one made I could have cried. So I was on to Asda quick sharp to ask about getting an image transferred onto a cake and whether I should bring it to them on disk or as a copy, but they said no as it was copyrighted! Panic -Panic -Panic. With no other option I had to have a go at it myself! Now the whole world knows I couldn't bake a cake to save my life, so what was I to do? Well, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I took a flat plain sponge cake, reconstructed it in the shape of 'Lola's' head, iced it and decorated it. No one was more surprised than me when it turned out to be absolutely fabulous! It seems that I am a genius at cake decoration! Genius mind you - not fluke! You can be the judge - praising comments always welcome!

Can someone tell me when parenting became so competitive? It's like there is this group of you and a few years ago you were all dragging each other through the hard times, going to baby massage and having coffee while the little ones were in the creche; and now its - my child is cleverer, my child can do this better, my child can do that better, and my child's party will be better than yours.... I really thought I would be above and beyond this but for some reason I can feel myself trying to better the others too, not in a planned or intentional way though, it's weird. For some reason we feel compelled to behave like this. We went to one of Ali's friends parties and she got three presents from one of her relatives - two dressing up outfits and some dressing up shoes. Some being the operative word. Not just one pair of dressing up shoes - five! And I thought Ali had loads of presents, unbelievable. My cake was better though......

Another one of my friends kids had a birthday party and Ali was invited, just Saturday gone, and it was so fabulous. She is the epitome of the phrase 'earth mother'. She recycles, eats healthily and organically and the family go on many outdoor pursuits. I mean she even used toweling nappies as opposed to disposable when her kids were small. Everything I thought I would be but definitely am not as a mother. I love her to bits though, don't get me wrong, and I don't know how she does it. Anyway, the party. On arrival to this outdoor activity centre/grange she took us up to a small hut and woodland area where there was a huge plastic ground sheet covered with pva glue pots and creative crafts and tools. The kids were given a small canvas bag to decorate themselves as a party bag - which in itself was such a great idea. Following all the impressive healthy food (even healthy carrot cake!) there was a puppet show performed by her friend, to the story of 'Cinderella Green Recycling Queen' - complete with adult jokes for the parents. So funny! And following the show, all the kids got to make a puppet for themselves. Having been on night shift just before the party and going, going and going on no sleep what so ever, I thought I would be beside myself by the afternoon. I didn't really feel it until about 3pm and I think I had just as much fun as Ali did! Worryingly it did draw out the OCD in me as I tried to get Ali to stick on a variety of shapes, colours and feathers equally spaced out and colour coordinated!

My tomatoes - oh my tomatoes...they are coming along just brilliantly. I have some starting to ripen and redden already. I am so excited! Yes I am getting my kicks from growing tomatoes! Something is seriously wrong in my life. We have had 9 cucumbers thus far and there are several peppers coming in also. Not bad for my first attempt at green fingers! Ali loves it though. She cannot wait to try the tomatoes!

'You are feeling very sleepy....no shit Sherlock!'

2009-05-30T21:30:00.004+01:00

Well I have spent the whole of my week off flaming gardening. Not under duress but to avoid my own guilt at not helping the MIL. I cannot think of anything else that I have achieved during my 'free from work' time. I haven't even tried to do more to the sort the house out. Alas I had so many plans.....

I did visit a hypnotherapist in attempt to aid my bid to lose weight. It cost a small fortune, but I guess I am willing to try anything now. The first part of the session was more like counselling - I had to be open and honest, cried a lot and tried to figure things out with the therapist. He observed that when I picture things that upset me or made me feel 'low' I always divert my line of sight to the bottom left of my vision spectrum and by simply looking up and to the right when feeling like this, I can feel much better. Of course I thought this was ludicrous but unbelievably it actually works! So part of my homework was to practice this into daily life, and it has been very helpful so far.

The actual 'hypnosis' part, which the therapist referred to as 'trance', was weird. Primarily I was sat in a rattan chair for the whole thing, and not particularly comfortably - but maybe that was to prevent me from falling asleep! I did feel sleepy mostly. I could hear what the therapist was saying, and thankfully I felt I was always in control - that I could have stopped everything at any point. That was what I was most nervous about, so I think that relaxed me. On occasion the room felt like it was spinning but it would stop after a little while. The therapist was talking to my unconscious as if it was an entity, in a respectful way, asking it to help me and making reference to me in a complimentary, confidence building way. Thankfully there were no swinging fob watches involved, as I may have found this very hard to take seriously!

Finally before he asked me to slowly become more aware of myself and open my eyes, he told me that my unconscious would let my conscious self know that it had heard him and that it would try to help me, by creating a 'funny sensation' in my left hand. When fully 'compus mentus' he asked me how I felt, I said 'tired' and within a few minutes of talking I felt a tingling sensation in my left hand! I was like - no way - was this just me imagining it because the therapist had said it would happen? All the way down the street I had this throbbing, pulsating feeling in the centre of my upper left hand, then it stopped. To begin with I was totally freaked out, spooky was an understatement; but for the rest of the day I was just exhausted and had a fuzzy frontal headache.

That was Thursday gone. Two days on and I am not eating any less. He did say the effects would not be immediate but I still feel compelled to eat more than I should, for whatever reason. I am a little disappointed as I really thought it might help. It works for smokers trying to quit, why shouldn't it work for me? The only thing left to try is acupuncture. Of the complimentary therapies anyway. I will give it a bit longer just to be sure before I totally dismiss its effects.

Birthdays, bedding plants and boiling over!

2009-05-26T13:22:00.002+01:00

People weren't kidding when they said that moving house was the second most stressful event of your life - only second to getting divorced, which I very nearly thought we would be. (Well, of sorts given we aren't really married). My word I haven't been able to write since March! The giraffe print wall paper has inspired me to start blogging again, so the dishes in the kitchen sink (no dishwasher) and lunch that ended up on the kitchen floor, will have to wait.

The new house is fabulous! I can't believe how much space we have! We have a little conservatory which is the 'piece de resistance'. It is ridiculous how excited I am about the fact I am growing tomatoes in my conservatory! Ever since my Gran showed me how to 'tickle' them with cotton wool to cross pollinate them when I was younger, I have been desperate to grow them. I can smell the 'tang' before they are even growing. I also have a new rattan rocking chair from Ikea, which just fits in fabulously - this is my Ali chair, a homage to my best friend not my daughter, as she gave me the vouchers for Ikea, thanks hun!

One problem however - the shower is knackered. I noticed a stain on the kitchen ceiling about three weeks into our new home, only to realise it was the shower leaking through from above. Lovely plumber man informed me that the shower was a piece of junk, held together with practically nothing and garden hose for piping. This made me want to cry, because if there is one thing I did not want to break it was the shower. Over 2 weeks of three baths a day and I was to take away. The plumber has been back and forth and luckily has made it usable - but he is not sure how long it will last. Great.

The Garden, oh the garden - primarily it is amazing to have one, but I love it, Ali loves it and D has cut the grass in it several times already! We have a built in BBQ which we have road tested and it is very efficient. We can see all the way to the river at the bottom of the valley and the sun sets over the fence to the back right of the boundary. I can't wait to sit outside on an evening (when the weather improves) and have a glass of wine while watching the sun go down.

Currently, in general, I am high on life, as I have just handed in my assignment to be a mentor to student midwives. It has been the bane of my life and I feel as if I have spent the last month on edge, sat in front of a computer, cursing while flicking through textbooks, and fobbing Ali off with DVD's. Monday 18th I came home from work, had a glass of wine, sat on the sofa, and watched TV - sublime!

Granny is staying with us and for once we are able to offer her a proper bed, in her own room, as opposed to the sofa in the living room. She is tackling the garden for us and simply couldn't wait to get started. I on the other hand could - not being the biggest fan of gardening. But I could have swung for someone when I came home yesterday. I am concerned about getting things organised for Ali's birthday, which is not a million miles away now, so headed to collect a trampoline I had found in a Bank Holiday sale at Netto. Leaving on the understanding that we were planting everything later in the day when it wasn't so hot (it was 28 degrees!) I headed off to plough my way into Kingston Park to find the Netto store; on return I found D, MIL and Ali in the garden and they had been there since I left. Both were subtly insinuating that I had gotten off lightly which put me on the defensive, then on closer inspection I observed the state of my daughter. She was almost tomato red on her neck and shoulders, burning from the midday sun. 'Have you seen Ali?' I said to D. 'She's really sun-burned'. To which I got the reply, 'Well I can't do everything you know'. Boiling over I spouted 'well you would think your burning daughter would be your priority over the garden', abruptly, and took her indoors. Not much else was said for quite some time! I was fuming! I still am.

I think we are going down the line of holding a party at home again for Ali, given that I can't afford to hire anywhere - which is a shame because that means I have to deal with the mess too. Ali has chosen a 'Charlie and Lola' themed birthday party, to which I have agreed because I secretly love Charlie and Lola too, but I cannot seem to stop feeling guilty about the children I wont be able to invite. 26 kids all with a parent would mean 52 people in my house before you even add on family and friends outside of school. Not possible. Sardines in a tin, and mayhem & chaos spring to mind. I thought it would be hard to choose which children to invite but it's not, there are some children I certainly do not want in my house; however I feel so guilty because I know how upset Ali was when she was not invited to one. What can I do though? I haven't got the space or the money to cater for them all. I really need to get this political parenting sorted!

2009-03-14T21:07:00.004Z

Now back from the 'bonnie banks of Loch Lomond', we have been thrust back into reality once more. With mortgage issues, house problems and financial matters to address in the half hour before 'end of business' Friday - when we returned 'home' - there was no respite and no rest for the wicked. I won't bore you with move details. Needless to say my stress related acne is having a field day, despite the holiday!

Loch Lomond was so gorgeous. I was blown away by how beautiful it was. No wonder they wrote a song about it! I became psychotic with my camera, forcing D to stop the car every few minutes along the banks to take photos. There were some beautiful bays along the East side of the loch. No wonder D wants to move back to Scotland. A rainbow broke to the East of the loch while we had stopped at the end of the road to admire the views. We could see both ends, which I have never seen in my life before. No pots of gold, however, I was compelled to jump out of the car wearing only a tiny cardigan, in the severe driving hail stones, in an attempt to catch it on camera. Not a bad attempt, even if I say so myself. (Bottom of blog page).

Today I had my eyes tested again. A 2 yearly check up, but of course I needed 'new' glasses. New glasses to the effect of £200+! (And they were among the cheapest!) I am being bled dry this month. What with moving fees right left and centre, un-aided by my inability to set foot in the metro centre for an eye test, without leaving with 3 pairs of shoes, two DVDs and a CD. My only defence being that the shoes were only £10 each in the sale - bargain, and I couldn't live without Daniel Craig in my life any longer - so simply had to have the new bond film. No, but seriously, the eye test - when they blow the air into your eye - what is that about?? '3 times in each eye' the operator said. 12-15 times down the line and still trying to get the air into my right eye, I start to think that the lad operating the machine is beginning to despair with me - although he remains very polite. Bloody bodily defences.

The metro centre are renovating the 'yellow' section to incorporate a new cinema, bowling alley and restaurants, as part of a 'family entertainment' area. A super imposed image on the temporary wall shows people walking around in a more modernised area. It occurred to me as I walked past that all the images were of young, sexy looking men and women, so I looked a little closer. No-one was overweight, no-one was over 30, there were no pushchairs or wheel chairs, everyone was wearing 'modern', 'fashionable' clothes - the men smart and the women gorgeous. So evidently they are going to sift through the population and have an admittance/dress code for the shopping centre come re-opening. The media never ceases to amaze me.

Whether I should be admitting to this or not I am not sure, especially as I chuckled along to Radio 1 mocking it just a few weeks ago; but I am watching 'Extreme Fishing' with Robson Green. Something I thought would be really dull, that happened to be on in the background, has me strangely engrossed and tuning in weekly. I mean its no period drama or captivating documentary, but Robson becoming incredibly excited over fish is amusing to say the least, and he is quite quick witted throughout. He even gets naked from time to time, which - yes, even at his age - is worth a look! The locations are often gorgeous or interesting and the methods of fishing border on the hilarious. I mean 'Kite Fishing'???? Yes it does exactly what it says on the tin. I'm officially sad, aren't I??!!!

Retro...er....No!

2009-03-06T23:05:00.006Z

A really full on, heavy duty day. Now we are mortgaged up to the eyeballs for the rest of our days, we may be able to move closer to the light (and of course that new house!). And following much negotiation relating to the structural survey comments made on our property, we can now hopefully move forward. Essential that we now do so, as Ali has not been offered a place in the school she is already in!! I mean for gods sake! She is in the nursery but cannot move into reception with her friends, because the school is over subscribed and we are technically 'out of area' until we move. Gutted is an understatement. I want to cry for her, because every second sentence she utters to me following school is about who she played with that day or who she wants to invite home sometime. This may really unsettle her, especially accompanied by moving house. My head is spinning with all the information and worry. The wine came out a while ago. It is nearly all gone, and I am a total lightweight when it comes to wine. So my apologies if I start to mis-type.

Oddly the most frustrating thing today has been my inability to find my suitcase. How in the world does one lose a large suitcase in ones house? I have looked in every plausibly big enough space, all over the house, but no case. Very weird! It may have been abducted by aliens. The lack of suitcase has led to an unorganised pile of clothes residing over one of the sofas waiting to be packed - oh, and I haven't even told you about the extra sofa. Ironically my dad was getting rid of a blue leather sofa and asked me if we wanted it to match the one we already have. Now, I don't know if I have ever mentioned how much I hate the blue leather sofa - but needless to say I was hoping the removal men might just let it drop off the back of their lorry. So now not only do I have one vile blue leather sofa - I have two! No offence dad, I appreciate it and it is proving very useful, but I am definitely going to have to plan there demise ASAP when moved.

More wine, less writing now I'm afraid.

I had to laugh.....but not at the giraffe!

2009-03-01T13:12:00.009Z

With the 50th birthday celebrations now over, and the '50' confetti all hand-collected up (under Ali's instruction), we are now looking forward to our few days away in bonnie Scotland. A welcome break (no not the motorway services) overlooking the gorgeous Loch Lomond. A balcony with magnificent views over the Loch, a spa bath, a babbling brook nearby too, plenty of fresh air and open space - sounds just glorious. D was chuffed with his gift anyway. He was not so pleased with the enormous '50' balloons or '50' decorations plastered all over the lounge on his return home. I told him it could have been worse, I could have attached them to the fence and gate at the front of the house for the whole street to admire!

Recently turning 25 and D now 50 - we find ourselves again trying to 'laugh off' the age difference between us. When the answers to questions raised in general conversation happen to reflect the 70's/80's, and D clearly remembers them, there is a mutual look of 'oh god' between us, like a horrifying realisation of the severity of the 'gap' - or 'gowking great black gorge', as it should probably be referred to. D is feeling really old, although I have not really noticed any change in him over the last 5 years. I think he doesn't feel as physically able - despite me assuring him he most definitely is! No, I didn't mean it like that. Sometimes he is more prone to minor illnesses, and he get easily exhausted, but that's about it. What is a girl supposed to do when she falls in love with a guy 25 years her senior? Do you walk away or do you stick it out? Easier said than done to walk away. I couldn't. Then I certainly couldn't when Ali was on her way. I am hoping that love will be enough, but I'm heart broken we won't be growing old together.

Our offer was accepted on the house we were interested in, so when the contracts are exchanged we have a grand total of 28 days to move - yes 28 days. How in this world are we supposed to organise the move of a whole house in that time? It takes me an entire week to organise a day out somewhere. And the giraffe print wall paper in the lounge, well needless to say, that will have to go, because alone it is horrendous, but coupled with our hideous blue leather sofas it could look like a loopy 'Changing Rooms' designer has had free reign over our sitting room. Somehow I have to find a way to live with the luminous pink, 'Hollywood' downstairs toilet room, and the very bright blue, garish and shiny upstairs bathroom; because we cant afford to redecorate the whole house initially. Unless we win the lottery.....well I can dream!

From finding home to Loch Lomond

2009-02-21T22:20:00.000Z

My fabulous father has bought me a sat-nav! I think he is trying to tell me something about my navigational abilities! No seriously, he knows I have problems when I leave what Ali would term 'our world'. My trips to Smoggieland and Stockton-On-Tees were proof enough of that. So I now have a TomTom. This thing could be a god-send if I can familiarise myself with how to work it! You can even choose a certain voice to give you your directions - which has had my sides splitting with laughter. You can have Darth Vader, ('you have now completed your trip to the dark side'), a farmer voice, a Barnsley accent - a whole manner of voices. (As opposed to Jane or Tim which are your initial choices). Jane is clear - but a woman, and Tim sounds gay - so I reckon I will have to download another voice. The Scottish accented voice was gorgeous, but there is a charge for this choice - obviously a better quality! I am sure we will have some fun with this new technology!

We have been house hunting again this week. It is very....draining. I felt absolutely exhausted following our run of 6 house viewings the other day. Emotional, so emotional. For me particularly. D seems to approach every house we consider as in investment, a business deal or in a financial way; where as I throw my heart and sole into imagining whether we could live there, falling in love with places we cannot have or cant afford, pondering what I would change about this bit and that bit. My mind was spinning so fast when we got back and I was 'up a height' to say the least. It took four drinks to clam me down. To top it all off I burnt the bloody roast beef we were having for dinner, which ruined the one meal we have all been able to sit and have together properly in a long time. Typical.

It's D's BIG birthday next Friday. He is not looking forward to it to say the least. I have ummd and aahhhd about what to do and get for him to celebrate. My initial surprise was a lifetime membership to the Clan McLaren Society, but that was ruined when the documentation arrived in the post addressed to both of us. He doesn't want a party or gathering, (I guess it wouldn't be the top of my list at 50 either), and we both happen to be working that day too, despite trying to swap my shifts. So my decision was a few days away in a cottage over-looking Loch Lomond. Back in Scotland, his home, but somewhere he has not yet visited. My family all contributed as no-one really knew what to get him, and short of another cabinet full of various bottles of whisky, there were no ideas being offered. Miss Indecisive tries being decisive - I hope I made the right decision. Accompanied by an Indian takeaway and a good bottle of wine - surely I cant go wrong?

Canny hoose!

2009-02-15T22:03:00.000Z

Big news - the house is sold subject to contract! Woohoo! But no champagne until there is a signature on the dotted line! So the stress is now to find a house, not sell the house!

I thought I would enjoy house hunting more than I am. There is not as much choice as there was several years ago. And now having taken quite a drop in price for ours, we are certainly limited for our purchase. There are a few that we could be happy in I am sure, but do you compromise on something so important? But is it that important, because who's to say we won't move again? As long as it is re-saleable? It is impossible with what we can afford to have the location we want and the size house we would like.

It is boiling down to a really spacious house with four double bedrooms in an okay position in an okay location, or reasonable size property with three (two double) bedrooms in a really good position and really good location. The latter of course is more expensive and would stretch us, the first we could manage comfortably on a monthly basis. These are crazy hard decisions!

We had our valentines day on Friday the 13th. Friday the 13th!!! Bloody hell, that was brave. I am usually so superstitious, but there was no other time given our respective shifts. A champagne picnic......in the master bedroom! I realised the closest I was going to get to romantic candles and rose petals on the bed was if I arranged them myself. So I did. It looked beautiful - even Ali said so. I was very impressed with myself. D was more impressed with the bubbly and the afters! Such is life.

Doing more regular night shifts has been getting me down. Struggling is probably an understatement. I may have to rethink this whole situation and my childcare arrangements. When Ali starts school full time in September, my childminder will be unable to collect/drop her off anyway, so following the summer holidays I have a problem. However there is a before and after school club I could utilise - but this would mean a few very long days for Ali at school. How do you know what is best? Yet another parenting challenge. They are stacking up.

How do we beat - the pox?

2009-01-16T16:50:00.000Z

I have discovered Gerard Butler and he is fit! And when he is singing Galway Girl for Hilary Swank in 'PS I Love You' I want TO BE her. I didn't think myself that fickle, but I would be anything, including fickle, for him! Sorry D! Brad Pitt an George Clooney move over - there's a new guy in town. Another Scotsman! God, I must have a thing about Scotsmen!

Ali has Chicken Pox, again!?? She is supposed to have already had it, but last time only had 5 spots, one of which became badly infected. This time, lord, she is absolutely covered bless her, and they are in really awkward places too. She has one right in the corner of her eye which she is struggling to keep her hands off, behind her ears, along her hairline, even around her anus and some in her armpits. I have scoured the local towns for some calamine lotion, but I think there must be an epidemic because all the chemists have sold out. So I am in the hope that aqueous cream will do and I am plastering her in that to cool them down and stop them itching! Otherwise she is in good spirits but we are both getting claustrophobic being housebound.

I have unfortunately had to ask for what is termed 'a family crisis day' at work because Ali cant go to the childminders or nursery. D is also back to work after being off sick so we were a bit stuck. I am worried I am starting to form a bad reputation at work though - I have now been off work more that I have been there this month. The first week in January I twisted my ankle so had to be off sick, the the second week I was on 'holiday', and was back only three days before I had the pox to deal with. I hope the rest of the year isn't going to be like this! We could do with a run of good luck, not more bad luck!

In desperate need of a night out, I'm pretending and playing music at maximum volume. Thank goodness for deep stones walls or I would also be building up a reputation with the neighbours! So this house does have one advantage! Ali has been dancing too, but just as I decided that it was awfully quiet, I realised she had laid herself on cushions in front of the fire and fallen asleep. Bless her. Does 25 mean you are too old to go clubbing? Maybe having Ali and missing a few years has left me craving it again. Will have to see if anyone is up for that for old times sake!

2009-01-14T16:01:00.002Z

Crap - I have loads of work to do for my 'Facilitating Learning In Practice' course to become a midwifery mentor. The deadline is 28th January - 2 weeks away! And I am here blogging and writing my book, very productively, but I'm evidently not prioritising! It has been strange being away from work for so long. Spraining my ankle took my out of action for a week, which was followed by my week of holidays - I am not going to want to go back!

Our visitors have gone, bound for Barcelona - damn, I really want to visit Barcelona. It may be slightly warmer there, of course that would not be difficult. We gave all our duvets and most of our blankets to our guests, given that they were stepping out of summer and flying around the world into winter. This left me so cold at night I have been sleeping in my thick fleece dressing gown, which had me cooked by morning! It was good to see them though. Hopefully they can come again for longer when we are moved and in the summer so we can have more days out.

I was late dropping Ali at nursery again today. The look on the teachers face screamed 'failure as a mother' while she uttered the words 'don't worry, we are just about to start the register' and forced a fake smile. Luckily I was biting my tongue as my head thundered out 'when you have your own kids honey, then, and only then can you penalise me for being 5 minutes late with mine!' Making sure I was early to collect Ali, I watched as she came out of school trying to interact with a certain group from her class. Evidently the playground politics start at an early age these days. She was positively ignored in favour of each group member. My heart broke for her as I recalled the situation all too well. It wasn't as if I was being wholly accepted into the 'parent' group of these kids either. Looking on as the teacher came out to inform one mother how her son had created something quite interestingly beyond his age that day, and another mother how her daughter had been very kind and looked after someone new today; I wanted to cry as I saw the 'failure as a mother' sign in flashing pink neon lights above my head. No tears left. Having constantly cried through the last few days, for every possible reason, and enhanced by my monthly cycle, there was absolutely no fluid left in my body at all. So a promise of tea out and the soft play area and everything was right again. For Ali anyhow.

Oh my goodness - Postman Pat has a helicopter? And a motorbike?

Sea-ing Red

2009-01-10T23:21:00.000Z

Another birthday over, another year older. I do believe that birthdays are becoming less exciting with age. Although D took me for a lovely meal last night - well the thought and being together were lovely - the meal was distinctly average. The restaurant itself was gorgeous and set in a cute little town not too far from us. I did not take my mothers advice though. She always professes 'when eating Italian always go for the pizza or pasta as the other dishes will not be up to scratch.' I chose the salmon in orange, lemon and white wine sauce. My rationale for this was that I am intolerant to wheat and it results in abdominal pain, so I was trying to be sensible and choose wisely, as I was also on a promise for later that evening! The salmon itself was cooked very well and I enjoyed it once I had scraped the jar of herbs from the top. The chips/fries/whatever were cooked in old fat and had a strange burnt taste to them. D had a king prawn kebab thing in a spicy sauce, but it literally was one skewer with 6 prawns on it and a tiny salad. After trying to eat incredibly slowly in order to prevent us appearing like gannets, and trying to ignore the abrupt waitress; we were left FOREVER. No one came to ask us if we wanted a desserts menu or any coffee etc. No one asked us if we wanted the bill. No one asked us if we had enjoyed the meal or if we wanted any more drinks. Well they lost out there because we left, paid without leaving a tip, and headed home to our new fridge freezer to eat masses of properly frozen ice-cream. Prioritising the ice-cream and a rather funny episode of 'Live at the Apollo' with Lenny Henry, Ed Burn, and Andy Parson, put us a whole half hour behind my menstrual cycle - bugger - I mean, what's that about!??? Someone is punishing me. If only we were back in the early onset of our relationship where we were ripping each others clothes off before we were hardly through the door after a night out. Bloody typical. According to Ed Burn - we would only disappoint each other anyway. Oh, and mental note: I must stop asking D what he is thinking, because apparently men are not thinking about anything or it is something so trivial, pathetic or weird, we might reconsider our decision to be with them.

As we were discussing 'us' during dinner, (well I was talking, D was pretty silent as usual); I did mention to D that I felt it was important we maintained a healthy relationship to avoid 'better offers' from appearing 'better' in this first instance. Following a look of confusion and a brief - 'I don't want a better offer' - which was sweet; I tried another metaphor to explain and suggested that if the grass is cut regularly, watered and fertilised well, the grass will never seem greener on the other side. For those of you thinking I am a sex crazed maniac - I was merely trying to point out that the passion was dead and that we needed an injection of romance back into our relationship, but I was trying not to be so blunt and/or hurt his feelings. He did seem to understand, but has not acted upon my observation thus far. It has only been a day, perhaps I will give it time!

We have our visitors from NZ staying with us now. They arrived safely this evening following what sounded like a traumatic journey - mostly being lost from what I can gather. They hired a car to travel around the country, and as they were travelling down from Edinburgh to us in Northumberland, they may well have found the 'scenic' route. All very well until it became dark. A little embarrassed that I can only put them on airbeds and that the sheets are not ironed, I have made my apologies. I have never tried to be a good housewife or ever professed to being one, in fact quite the opposite - and everyone knows it. But I do not have the power to create more house space and or bedrooms unfortunately. The weather seems to be raining on our parade for tomorrows plans too, but we will stay positive.

Another one of life's little parenting challenges presented itself this week. Worms. Or in Ali's words 'the sea-horses in my bum mummy.' She has been complaining about these sea-horses intermittently for sometime now but I never gave it a second thought because she does say some bizarre things. It was only this week that it dawned on me when she also commented her bum was itchy and she had been scratching it a lot, causing red marks. The health visitor informed us that usually you would see the worms in the bum or faeces - but I had not clapped eyes on any, thank god. So we went for prevention just in case and have all had to take a tablet (like the cats!). Ali has a new hand wash all of her own and a lovely pink nail brush to encourage effective hand-washing; which we were trying to do anyway but she cannot reach the sink on her own in this house, therefore we have also had to resort to washing them using the bath taps. Regular boil washing of towels and bathing to wash away any eggs laid were also advised. Very contagious apparently - great! Please seahorses - stay away from the visitors.

Countdown.....

2009-01-07T22:21:00.003Z

The house looks so bleak without the Christmas decorations. Talk about 'Bleak house', I think the series must have been set here. The only thing cheering it up right now is the sight and sounds of The Boss which I am playing very loudly on music DVD. Even Ali loves him now (indoctrination - I am sure she will need therapy later in life for being forced to listen to The Boss as a child!).

The driveway is like an ice sheet again. I am convinced I will have another knackered ankle before the week is out. No summer and now arctic winter temperatures lasting for months. When D's friends arrive Saturday visiting from NZ (where it is the height of summer!) they will think they have over-shot us by a few thousand miles and hit Russia. I think extra heaters may be required!

It must be about my 'now' age when you start to dread birthdays, because for the first time I am not looking forward to mine. As tomorrow draws nearer I am experiencing and ever impending feeling of doom and want to curl up in a ball in bed with my electric blanket on and hide until it is all over! There is a little twinkle in me that would still love to go out and party - but I think I would have to get blind drunk to endure the pain of it all! Now I'm a quarter, possibly a third, of the way into my life. That in turn translates as only three quarters to two thirds of it is left? Better get started on my list of things to do before I die! Scary!

Having put Ali to bed this evening I settled down to watch 'Top Gun' as I have never seen it all the way through before - I know, apparently this is a crime - and within an hour and a half she was crying and shouting. I rushed upstairs thinking she must have fallen out of bed and hurt herself, but when I got to her she was stood at the bottom of the bed, she had thrown back her bed covers, wrapped them around the bed post and the foot of the bed, and was pulling on them repeating the words 'I just want to help you, I just want to help you mummy'. When I said I was here and ushered her to get back into bed, she went without saying anything. Strange would be considered and understatement I think. Now utterly panicked that Ali is going to be a 'sleep-walker', I have locked and bolted every door/window I can find.

So...I am asking D if I can have one of my birthday presents early..........tune in again to find out if he said yes!

Help!

2009-01-05T12:47:00.008Z

I can walk - hoorah! But true to form I am also snowed in so I still cannot get out of this house! Did I break a mirror or something? I just have this gut feeling that 2009 is not going to be the greatest of years. It has certainly not been the best start.

In a few days I will be a quarter of a century - how the hell did I get that old? My family have been asking me what I would like for my birthday, but why can't I think of anything. Every other time of the year I could name at least ten things that I would like, but now, no. My dad asked me if their were any Cd's or DVDs that I fancied, so I have been doing a quick search through 'Amazon' - during which I was also watching 'Loose Women'. The girls were discussing self help books and I remembered something my mother had said to me recently. She suggested, possibly in jest, that I try a positive thinking CD. So....there must be quite a few of us considering this prospect because all the positive thinking Cd's are 'currently out of stock'. Are we all really that depressed? Am I really that depressed?

In a similar vein I have made an appointment with a hypnotherapist to try and tackle my weight problem. In general I do not believe in complimentary therapies, but given that the medical profession have decided to ignore my cry for help because I am not yet 30 stone and bed bound, I believe I have to give this a chance. The therapist I will be visiting has been recommended to me by a colleague who's daughter had used hypnotherapy to lose weight and is doing very well. It is not cheap and may not work at all, but if there is a chance I have to take it. Positive thinking - without the self help tape! Although I am wondering if I should take a friend along with me given that hypnotherapist ends with 'rapist'.....perhaps that is not depression or negative thinking, but - WARPED! What will he find when he searches deeper within me?

Beware the New Year........

2009-01-02T08:42:00.005Z

So happy new year to all! Not off to a good start thus far. In my classic, tragic and stupid manner I have managed to twist my ankle. I can hardly walk and it's bloody painful. I just don't have a good track record with New Year. I should just stay indoors and do nothing.

To begin with Ali and D were up in Scotland taking the mother in law home, and because I didn't want to sit and mope about by myself all evening, I went to stay with my dad for the night. It didn't start off well as I tumbled down the frozen steps on the way out of my house, and splatted on my hands and knees. Although bruised I picked myself up and carried on - via my mother's to apply ice compresses. (We still don't have a new freezer).

An Indian takeaway, a 'Mamma Mia' DVD and a Jools Holland hootenanny later I managed to get approximately 4 hours sleep before having to make my way to work New Years day. If only it was that simple. As I was leaving I missed that last step of their stairs and twisted my ankle. It seemed fine and I drove to work as normal but as I tried to walk on it when I arrived at work the pain was immense. Consequently I hobbled into A & E, was bandaged up and sent home.

A whole day later and I still cannot walk properly. It is becoming very annoying, and increasingly painful. I believe I am a very bad patient. I hate being an invalid and it is making me mad because I cannot get on and do the many things that need doing! I'm too busy to be sick!! But I'm not even sick - just more stationary.

2008-12-31T10:30:00.004Z

Due to the current economic climate

the light at the end of the end of the tunnel

has been switched off!

2008-12-26T17:23:00.006Z

Merry Christmas to everyone out there! And a happy boxing day! Anyone else feel that although Christmas is great, it seems an awful lot of organisation, hassle and flying around tryng to shop for world and his uncle, for one single day that is over in an instant? Don't get me wrong I love Christmas and we had a good day, but I am so exhausted that my body gave up and I am now suffering from the yearly horror that is 'THE COLD'. Yes, despite plying myself with Vitamin C, echinachea, and evening primrose oil; and consuming mountains of clementines; I am snotting right, left and centre, coughing, spluttering and have severely congested sinuses - not pretty (good job D made Christmas dinner!)

So far we have played 'Elefun'; with the fairy wonderland; with the 'Jungle in my Pocket'; on the 'V-Tech V-Smile'; with the Dora stickers; the craft sets; have watched Tinkerbell and Sleeping Beauty DVD; worn the Cinderella pyjamas and the matching skirt and top from NZ; we have eaten chocolates and turkey in excess, but not together; listened to Ali's kids CD player with sing along microphones - which was interesting - Ali did an encouragable version of 'Henrietta the Dancing Hippopotamus which cracked us all up; we have made things with pipe-cleaners; read Dora books; cuddled soft toys in abundance; listened to Christmas music; spoken to friends and family; and now, with Ali asleep in bed, we are all completely exhausted and have collapsed on the sofa - unmovable.

I simply cant wait to be well again to hit the sales - however inevitably everything descent will be gone again by the time I get anywhere near the shopping centre. Illness, all work and no play is making Jen a very dull girl.........

Christmas-ness and parenting politics!

2008-12-10T18:03:00.000Z

So - yesterday afternoon on collecting my daughter from nursery, among all the 'art work' and letters I was given to take home, there was a list of all the children in her class. One can only assume that this means she is supposed to give out Christmas cards - at 3 and 1/2???? She has received some already, but this year I was considering giving to charity rather than distributing Christmas cards. Never mind, I am sure Ali will love it - choosing them and trying to write her name in them. It's whether I have the patience however, as cards are not my most favourite part of the 'festive season'. But the very cheek of it. Is it now expected of me? If I don't will Ali be thought less of? Will I forever be known as the 'incompetent parent'? The 'politics of parenting', they should teach this in school as part of 'Personal and social education' I think. And I thought that actually physically taking care of children would be the hardest part of parenting.

So lets see...I have a grand total of 7 days to organise these Christmas cards; in amongst working full time; organising this tip that is my home - while D works all hours trying to keep the leisure centre cafe afloat; completing the practical and essay for my 'Facilitating learning in practice' course; and of course organising a talk/presentation about being a midwife to 2 classes of 25+ GCSE students (a favour called in from a colleague of my mothers who once tutored me at no cost). Damn, I really am pushing it this time. Too much in such a short space of time. I have a sneaky feeling I will be one of the people rushing around the metro centre the weekend before Christmas trying to finish of my Xmas shopping - a little last minute.

Last night we bought and dressed our Christmas tree. Another real one because I just love the smell, although this one is not in a pot so may die before we even get to Christmas knowing my track record with plants. I bought a stand for it that will hold water - just have to be on the ball and water it now. My touch of OCD shone through as Ali was putting on the decorations and I was moving them about to ensure they were all spread out enough. And of course certain decorations had to be in certain places. I think I am getting worse each year. Myself and D are like ships that pass in the night again too. He comes in at 7pm and I got out to work at 7.30pm. Maybe this is the secret to maintaining a relationship - never seeing each other! We both have the day off Saturday so we will have to make the most of it.

It's pretty - but will mess with your life and your mind!

2008-12-04T21:02:00.008Z

I hate the snow! My nerves are in tatters following a very traumatic day of simply trying to go about my business among the 6+ inches of snow plaguing my world. Why are we always so unprepared to deal with the snow? Even though I knew there was six inches of snow on my driveway, and that the path my fiance had cleared for my car to pull out into was now very much none existent; I still left no extra time when I needed to get Ali to her school Christmas performance. A wealth of curses I didn't even know I could say and a multitude of aggressive screams ensued, as I lept from the car and started frantically digging my car a clearing to follow. Having advanced no more than half a metre I had to make a hard right in reverse to get my car from its car parking space. First challenge over I slowly reversed down the drive repeating D's parting words of that morning 'reverse out of the driveway onto the main road, do not try and turn to come out forwards, you will get stuck'. I'm reversing, I'm reversing, slowly reversing, almost at the main road.......car skids, does 180, bonnet heading for neighbours wall - shit shit shit, braking not working, lump of snow halts and saves my car, about 4cm from wall - literally. Breath, breath, breath, stop swearing, stop swearing, Ali listening. After a moment to allow my pulse rate to triple, the reversing began again and it was 50-50 whether I would actually go backwards or continue forwards into the wall. By some miracle or guardian angel we made it out onto the main road and to school. Sliding, almost, into a space in the school ice-rink...er I mean car park...I made an executive decision to then abandon my car and go on foot into town for a hot chocolate while waiting for the school performance to begin. There is only so much 'car on ice skates' I can take.

Christmas play. Very cute. Ali was a donkey - as was the rest of her class???? So approximately 26 donkeys took Mary to Bethlehem, where they inhabited a stable and baby Jesus was born - to have one of the 3 kings throw Mur at him. Ha ha, I love the unpredictability of kids. Ali looked exhausted after yet another night of terrors haunting us all, but she joined in and did her part just fabulously. Yes, my daughter was an excellent donkey. (Sporting the various shades of grey clothing cobbled together from Primark so as not to break the bank - why would little girls have grey clothes? I could have easily done white angel, or tea towel clad Shepard. Nope it was grey donkey, of which they informed me two days prior to the performance - what?).

Other challenges which currently have me stumped include cropping the photos to go into the calenders I am compiling as family Christmas presents (last year all my photos were 'landscape' anyway so fit the calenders perfectly, this year they all seem to be 'portrait' and are laughing incessantly at me chanting "figure this one out, and quickly, because its nearly Christmas, and you have probably already missed to final post date to family in NZ"). Also having made no start to either the work required for my mentorship course or the presentation on 'being a midwife' I am doing for some high school kids for a friend (yes you heard that right - they are going to shoot me down), I am now panicking as the clock ticks away to the deadline for both. And of course there is the small matter of Christmas shopping of which I have completed about 1% (ie. Ali's presents). Christmas of course is followed promptly by D's 50th - any ideas will be greatly received. And who the hell told me that being cold burns calories - because I am bloody freezing and putting on more sodding weight. Ground swallow me up.

2008-11-24T20:43:00.001Z

Having my uni house mates to stay was so wonderful. I can't describe how natural and how jovial life is when we are all together. It just reminds me how much I love them all and how much I miss them. It is so true that you really have no idea what great times you are having until they are gone. I had my gorgeous girls, a lovely meal, Newcastle and it s beautiful bridges and everyone with my family the following day. How could I have asked for more. The tears were unstoppable as they pulled out of the driveway to return home, South of my little place in the world. I waved and my heart broke. It's like a piece of me is missing. Girls know I love you, and we must not leave it another year and a half before we do it again!

Today's trip to Stockton on Tees has rolled up a close second to the stressful experience of visiting Middlesborough the other week. Once again I 'AA Route mapped' two thirds of the way and then became totally lost on entry into Stockton on Tees itself. In a scarily 'deja vu' moment, I found myself on one side of the river and the bloody university (where the study day was being held) on the other. Where are the transporter bridges when you need them?? Ha. You would have had to pay me to get on one of those again. And its a good job I don't have a problem with asking for directions - thank you kind staff at Halfords, that wasn't even opened yet, when I burst in flustered and mumbling this morning.

Having managed to get a place in the conference discussing 'The Impact of Sexual Violence on Health and Mental Health' after a series of emails with the organiser who managed to squeeze me in, I could not very well miss this opportunity. Road raging my way round Stockton on Tees in bus lanes and doing 'u' turns where I shouldn't be, I found my way there on the Halfords staff instruction and proceeded to sign in at 0929am - lucky lucky, one minute to spare - someone is surely watching over me! I was exhausted though. It is amazing how much energy you use simply trying to find your way! Getting up at 5am didn't help of course.

The day proved very interesting indeed. One of the speakers who addressed the topic in a midwifery and childbearing context made a very touching and thought provoking presentation that really did open my eyes to this situation in a new light and from an entirely different perspective. I dearly hope that I can use this knowledge to initiate some of the advice into practice in my own unit. You can rest assured I will be doing my best.

Buffet was disappointing. Drank too much pure juice and not enough water. Headaches and toilet trips a plenty as a result. Made some good contacts which may prove useful in the future, and the return journey was not nearly as bad. It is interesting to watch the politics of these events as well. The tension between the mental health workers and mental health/psychology theorists for example was immense - you could have easily cut the air with a knife. People watching is a very entertaining past time also. Observing individuals striving to keep their eyes open is also quite comedy, because yes as always there were dull moments too.

Strictly misbehaving

2008-11-11T22:04:00.006Z

In a desperate attempt to catch up with my beloved 'Strictly Come Dancing' this week, having missed round 8 completely while attending a family gathering; I am feeling drained and wholly exhausted. Following an intense battle with BBC iplayer during which I was watching the performances a couple of seconds at a time because the episode would not download, I finally gave up and headed for 'you tube', where at least I could see the couples routines, if not the whole show. My frustration is just growing as the previous week I had only managed to catch glimpses of the show while at work in between caring for labourers on the delivery suite. I did think we were heading for disciplinary action as we all became riled up and excitable in the staff room watching Austin and Tom with our cups of tea. So if the trust receives a complaint about the 'rowdy' midwives during their labour experience one Saturday evening I will have to forward it to Claudia, Tess and Bruce! In fact I think the professional dancers should come and visit their midwifery fans at the hospital and we could distract and entertain the labourers as they try to teach the staff to foxtrot with the forceps, cha cha into a c-section and Viennese waltz with the ventouse. First dibs on Anton! In fact dancing could be the new form of induction into labour! Forget curry, pineapple and raspberry leaf tea, a brisk tango would surely do the trick!

The family weekend was thoroughly enjoyed by everyone. We abandoned the fireworks as we became rained off and soggy fireworks didn't seem entirely safe. It was so good to see my best friend again who was over visiting from Paris and became an honorary family member for the weekend. Putting the world to rights in two days came oh so naturally as always, both of us envying what the other has as opposed to appreciating where each of us are right now in our lives. There was no bad behaviour though so a night out may be called for next time. She will be returning today. I hope to see her again at Christmas, which is not too far away.

Next decision is whether to take Ali to a panto this Xmas? Not sure whats on, but I do know the cbeebies characters are coming to the metro arena mid December. Question is, can I possibly sit through several hours of such entertainment without feeling the need to commit suicide. Not sure yet. Possibly if there was a group of us. Input from fellow mammy friends required on this one I think.

I am also staying positive as this weekend coming my flatmates from uni are visiting and staying over - so excited in anticipation of an opportunity to go wild and misbehave! Here come the girls alright!

Where's the panic button???

2008-11-04T16:57:00.008Z

Who would have thought that the most challenging part of trying to fit a large food shopping trip (into just under 2 hours) while Ali was at nursery, would have been finding my car in the supermarket car park. With overloaded trolley in tow I battled my way to the aisle I believed I had parked my car in, only to realise it was in the next. Now for those of you familiar with supermarket car parks you will know that there is by no means enough room to steer a trolley between cars into the next aisle. So off I trotted feeling incredibly stupid all the way down to the end of the aisle and round up to where my little car was parked. Incidentally no where near a trolley park either therefore another trip ensued back to the front of the store to replace my trolley. If only I hadn't been so honest and parked my car in one of the mother and child bays! But alas the guilt would have been too great given I had a car seat, but no child in it, at the time.

After crapping myself preparing to return to university for the first time in 2 years, I am now completely traumatised by the event. Not the day itself - the journey, as I wholeheartedly predicted. The AA Route map got me two thirds of the way, and then nothing could help me. Lost in smog-land somewhere on an industrial estate I found what I thought was the bridge I needed to cross. True to form I had found a bridge that wasn't even a proper bridge! I believe the correct terminology is 'transporter bridge'. Now given I have never seen one of these before, I was not quite prepared for its purpose. Unable to turn around and retreat I found myself on what was effectively a crane like structure with a high wire which winched and 'pullied' 9 cars on a platform across the river - hanging from wires! Wires!!! Bloody hell.....who invented that. What was wrong with a normal bridge for that given situation?? Boy was I pleased to get off that believe me. 40 minutes of searching for a car parking space led me to a back street somewhere in gangster world where my little car lay to rest under a sign which began in earnest 'motorists beware....', fabulous! Locking and securing my car as far as humanly possible, I kissed it goodbye in the event that it would no longer be there on my return, and began my search for the building to which I was due somewhere in this god forsaken place. With car where I left it and intact, the return journey led me to a spaghetti junction, during which I was praying I had managed to allocate myself to the correct lane; and following a short period of raw panic that I was travelling the wrong way along the A19 I calmed myself and realised I was seeing signs for Newcastle and the A1. Large sigh - heading back to what Ali would term 'our world'. I only have to return there once to hand in the work once this module is completed, and I sincerely hope it is the last.

DO....YOU....KNOW....WHAT....I....MEAN....????

2008-11-03T17:10:00.007Z

Today I attended Ali's parents evening. Yep, that's right, parents evening at age 3 having been at nursery school for half a term. Of course it was more of an informal chat to discuss how she was settling in. Quite well according to her teacher, and strangely the word 'quiet' was mentioned. Quiet! Pah, she never shuts up at home! I rushed to collect her this afternoon as I had over slept my alarm following my night shift. Heartbreaking images of Ali looking for me as all the other parents were retrieving there kids, and being the only child left sad and waiting for me, were running through my mind. Luckily I arrived on time and as we were waiting for our appointment slot with Ali's teacher the emotional scene I had pictured in my head was happening for real to one of Ali's friends. I wanted to pick him up and hug him. He looked so upset. His childminder wasn't too late but I guess it must have crossed his mind that no-one was coming for him when he was the only one left. Well, it was enough to make me ensure I always arrive on time!

Nerves are consuming me this week as I prepare to head back to university. Training to be a mentor to midwifery students not even two years into my own practice is quite scary. Apparently you can do so anytime from one year of experience now. I guess they must be short on midwifery mentors. I only hope I don't confuse them completely, or even worse - deter them from continuing. It is quite daunting to think that I will be playing a large part in the decisions whether students are competent or not, but at least I get a chance to be a positive element in learning midwifery. I know only too well how a mentor can make or break you in each placement. If you don't get on it can lead to bad performance and zero confidence very quickly. Anxiety about the course is compounded by the fact that I have to go to North Tees Uni which is miles away - in Middlesborough, I think, and I hate driving into unknown built up areas with a passion. This has the potential to be the third car crash in three years to complete my hat trick if I don't calm down. I hear AA Route Planner and sedatives a calling!

2008-10-30T22:37:00.007Z

Today, after sleeping off my night-shift for a few hours, I watched the DVD I hired from the library I have just joined with Ali. The DVD was 'Becoming Jane', the film about Jane Austin. I was quite moved by it. I began to consider how much our society has changed in what could be considered a short period of time in long-term history. As 'courting' reduces and sexual freedom blooms, is romance meeting an untimely death? Are we losing sight of each other on a higher level amid daily comings and goings and the trials of modern life. I myself have written recently with regard to concerns about my own relationship to to that affect. But even at the beginning of my relationship the sexual desires were fulfilled before we really 'knew' each other. Most concerning is that I have brought my daughter into a generation of people whose lives, personalities and popularity are judged largely on sexual status - how absurd is that?

Flip the coin and one could argue that biology has always alluded to sexual desires ensuring the continuation of the species, it was just hidden well in the days of Miss Austin. I know I ask myself and D on a regular basis how we would react if in years to come Ali informed us she was dating someone 25 years her senior. How on earth could we disapprove of that?

Thus far in my life I have had the fortune to fall in love twice - what I define as 'love' to myself. The first ended in heart break for me and the second I believe to be very much alive but always being tested.

When I first met D he was to be my boss as I was being interviewed to be a catering assistant in a local leisure complex. Being quite young at this time, still to complete my education in the form of university, and recently left reeling from being mistreated emotionally by my previous choice of male; I was in no hurry to have the knife plunged and twisted into my heart again any time soon. What I thought was a crush driven by lustful thoughts for a considerably older man changed over a period of two years into something more intriguing. Of course I was still learning about myself and the world around me as an adult, but after two wondering years I felt that this may be something more. This time was the closest I became to the era and forbidden feelings of Miss Austin. The glances, trying to touch him 'accidentally' on purpose, non-subtle hints for a lift home. It all got lost so quickly.

Maybe I expect too much. Do I still secretly hope for the fairytale? Maybe my expectations will always exceed reality. Maybe it's not the brightest idea to ply our kids with fairy tales and make believe because they might become very disappointed later in life. However, although you wouldn't believe it from my most recent posts, ever the optimist, I choose to believe that the present is just a demon to overcome and reign triumphant against. I try to have faith that my love will hold strong, and while I anxiously debate my love life, I would put serious money on that D thinks there is nothing wrong!

Night shifts for the foreseeable future

2008-10-28T16:02:00.006Z

On our way to the library (a very cost effective afternoon out), I was quite dumb-founded to be informed by my little car that it was 3 degrees in the form of an ice-alert. Ice! 3 degrees! In October.....October! And too right. It has been bloody freezing. We are now in the times of socks a well as shoes, and coats and jumpers on rather than in the car or in a bag at the ready. While the insufferable weather of winter draws ever near, I am now adapting my new love and collection of shoes by branching out into boots! Hoorah for boots!

An update on the relationship dramatics. Last night became the opportunity to right the previous weeks trauma. Although one becomes a little weary of always being the one making the effort to amend things. Perhaps wrongly I did not venture into conversation over the way I had felt recently, but focused more on intimacy and touch - something seldom found between us of late. In a flippant flirtatious remark I responded to D's 'god I ache all over, my body is old and giving up', with, 'maybe I should shoot you now and claim on your insurance'. It got a laugh - but then D almost ruined the whole situation with a mood killing 'did you here that a cat in the village was shot?!' Perfect timing. Delightful pillow talk. Well, to cut the story short we overcame the delay in 'the moment', however although the intense feeling has resolved between us, something still doesn't feel right. Not quite sure what is the right move now.

I am so excited about my night shifts tonight and tomorrow, I can hardly contain my excitement...... Very low morale at work at present. Ever increasing stress levels and ever decreasing praise for performance under difficult circumstances, combined with an emerging 'blame culture' and increasingly defensive practice. Not nice to say the least. And it is the women who will suffer - or will at least have miserable midwives! At least I didn't get the night shift with the extra hour! Be thankful for small mercies.

Slowly upward

2008-10-27T11:53:00.003Z

Talk about multi-tasking. I am eating my pudding (yeah no digs about trying to lose weight please - not today), while writing this in my blog, along with listening to music (walk of life - Dire Straits), instant messaging my best friend in Paris and checking my email/facebook. What a woman hey! There's nothing like Dire Straits to drag you up from rock bottom. Second choice - Status Quo. Third choice (but my favourite really) The Boss. Because I'm 'Waitin' on a sunny day' while talking about our 'Glory Days' and 'Dancing in the Dark'. And fourth/fifth rockin' choices are Bob Sinclair - 'Rock this party' and the Fratellis 'Chelsea Dagger', because I defy anyone to try and stay still throughout these tracks. Once feeling better starts to fade, repeat cycle. If all else fails put on beautiful heeled shoes and shake hips until you have blisters, while looking at pictures of Daniel Craig. The physical pain and 'be still my beating heart' feeling will detract from the emotional pain! Guaranteed to work if you do enough dancing, in the correct manner, and have the right pictures! Let me dance, let me dance, I wanna dance like no one is watching!!!

I am so excited about seeing my best friend in November for bonfire weekend. I cannot wait. Life is so much duller without her. We can have a good old catch up, she can see Ali - who is kind of her god-daughter but we are not religious so not officially. Did I say I cant wait?!!!

Is the one remaining positive in my life fading?

2008-10-25T20:17:00.006+01:00

After several unfruitful early nights and a collection of night shifts meaning only one person in our bed at any given time of day; my hopes were fixed on last night as an opportunity for me ad D to catch up with each other. How could I have been more wrong. D arrived home knackered and exhausted as usual, having been totally overworked. There was no conversation, no affection, no reduction of physical proximity - at all. He walked in, checked the sport results, read the paper a bit, ate the meal I prepared, and come time to turn in - promptly fell asleep. The entire evening I felt like a limpet as I tried to the extreme to even remotely entice him, or simply to get a reassuring touch. Enraged and in fear I may say something I would regret, I got out of bed, headed downstairs, and took solace in Daniel Craig being interviewed by Johnathon Ross. And that was as close to 'hot' as I got.

Tonight D had really gone all out to make sure I didn't have anything to do, but in terms of body contact I have counted one embrace that was reciprocated. Nothing initiated. And here I am watching TV on my own at 2030pm on a Saturday evening. What the hell happened to my life? The worst of it is the feeling of inadequacy and failure. Crappy housewife and unable to excite or even interest my man. Not being wanted - a million times worse than him being unfaithful. Pretty shit feeling. I'm rock bottom - and not for the first time.

Celibacy

2008-10-23T18:00:00.004+01:00

So, following the screams and heartache of last nights shift, I am now celibate.....haha, yeah, not quite! But I reckon it will be sometime before any more kids! I am sure D will be glad to hear that - along with my bank account. The words 'I AM PUSHING!' are so familiar..........

Another night shift beckons after a spirit filled whole half hour with D before I go, as we pass like ships in the night, again. Ali is tarting to flake out while watching Dora which will help come bedtime.

Had lunch with a good friend of mine the other day. What we thought was going to be a quaint little cafe, was a room at the back of a local pub, with the owners 'hard of hearing' grand-mother taking orders from a chair in the kitchen doorway. When we thought we couldn't laugh anymore a waitress brought our cutlery and place mats - I will rephrase that - our cutlery and squares of lino! Disbelief. But it was great for us to catch up, an the portion sizes were enormous. Even bottomless me couldn't finish my jacket potato.

News flash! I have new, very gorgeous shoes! They are slightly tight (ordered them online), but they are so pretty that I may have to forfeit comfort in favour of crippled feet in their honour. Leather will give right?

Stashes, Rashes, remedying crashes, and Badlashes!

2008-10-16T18:30:00.001+01:00

Commiserations to the girls from the North East who were voted off the X Factor last week. Badlashes were no-where near the worst act performing during the show and we should be ashamed of ourselves for not being more supportive of the talent from our neck of the woods. I'm sorry Girlband but you weren't even in tune, and if Scott wins then we are destined for Shane Ward all over again. It's our loss because those girls could have been so entertaining, as we saw from their auditions. Don't give up girls, because when you give up on your dreams you regret it for the rest of your life!

Sadly I did not get to watch the show on Saturday as I was in a 4* hotel enjoying my 'hote cuisine' with D for our anniversary - courtesy of me I hasten to add. Well....when we found the hotel anyway. In true 'Bridget Jones' style the hotel location I thought we were heading for was actually a restaurant, and I had no idea where the hotel was at all. While driving round Newcastle trying to find the hotel, I realised it was time to swallow my pride and ring them for directions. (It was their fault anyway because they had said they would send me a map and didn't!) Decision made just in time as D was beginning to get very irate and he had a splitting headache - good start to the evening. After several attempts we made it, with the help of a very attentive concierge guiding us every step of the way by phone - embarrassing doesn't even come close. Of course I cheered up no end as he insisted on parking our car for us. This is how the other half live!

Although the decor was dated and tired, the staff were friendly and our room was great. Double bed (all you need really), sofa's, a TV with many channels (like we will be watching that), a desk (err.....not working, thank god), a mini bar, (woohoo!), and a bathroom. No sooner were we in it than there was a knock at the door with our champagne and canapes. Fabulous darling!

Dinner was approaching, but still hungry after the 3 canapes each we decided we needed £4.50 worth of minuscule packet of nuts and £1.50 worth of tiny tube of Pringles. At dinner the food was of a different league altogether - although I did feel a little uncomfortable in the fancy restaurant. Using my 'Pretty Woman' found knowledge of restaurant etiquette I started from the outside and worked in where my cutlery was concerned, and of course wasn't in the least bit surprised as the waiter placed the napkin on my lap for me! Unable to get away from work even on my anniversary, I was nervous to see the very heavily pregnant woman also dining with us in the restaurant, and became twitchy as scenes of 'hotel birthing' ran through my mind.

You don't need the details of the finale to the evening as this is both too much information - and could be considered a bit gross, so I will simply add about the unbelievable 'power shower' that nearly wrestled me to the ground as I used it the next morning. Oh how I wish I had one of those to wake me up with a full 'pelting' massage every morning.

A lengthy walk around Newcastle and a bunch of wooden roses later it was time to collect Ali from my mothers house and rejoin the real world. I also had a shift at work that evening - which actually became a severe migraine and a return home at something past midnight. Too much in too little time, compiled with stress attacking from every angle, left me fumbling around trying to find my bed in the dark because I couldn't bear to put the lights on, and D nearly through the roof as he wondered who the hell was getting into bed with him! Slightly worrying however that he didn't hear me crash through the back door, stumble into the lounge and make a phone call, and use and flush the toilet before I got into bed. He's going to be so useful in the event of an intruder! Just 'me' and the 'candlestick', in the 'bedroom' then.

Also crammed into the last few days was the repair of my little car. My lovely brother surprised me with the part to replace the 'dunched' wing that I 'obtained' last December, and I had it fitted. It was an excellent job from the boys at Winlaton Garage, everyone will be none the wiser.......

In reflection of my daughters latest antics, I have found one of her latest behaviours hilarious to say the least. I have aptly named it 'stashing', because, well, that's what it is. For weeks I have been looking for the red hand-towel missing in action from our kitchen, then the other day while cleaning, found it shoved between the TV cabinet and the wall, along with a small doll wrapped in a flannel, a hair clip, a stone, a sock and a sandal. I have since found two more stashes of a similar nature -one involving an absent oven glove. Weird.

On a very positive note, the bizarre rash that had presented on the back of Ali's legs and on her buttocks; that wasn't chicken pox or meningitis (yes I rolled a glass across the blotches), has now miraculously disappeared. None of us are any the wiser as to its cause, including the GP, who is probably being payed hundreds of thousands to say - 'its not chicken pox and I couldn't be sure of what has caused it, but she is well in herself so I wouldn't worry'. Genius.

Quite a 'to do' at the zoo

2008-10-11T10:11:00.005+01:00

Having been distracted by the life insurance incident, I absent mindedly forgot to report back on our trip to Edinburgh Zoo. Another eventful day to go down in history as badly planned and clumsily executed to say the least.

Unbelievably we were all up and dressed on time Monday morning and set off for the zoo about 0810am. Once underway it dawned on me that the camera was still lying on the desk in the lounge and was not in my bag where I had intended it to be. With no time to return home to collect it, I began a torrent of self directed verbal abuse, which ended with a decision to buy and use a disposable camera in combination with my mobile phone camera.

As we hit Edinburgh it became evident that the AA Route Map instructions we were following were wrong. Either that or we had severely mis-read them. A lengthy drive around Edinburgh developed, which I addressed by halting us at ASDA to ask for directions. Bad directions and my bad memory led to a further episode of denying being 'lost', before we drove past the zoo several times endeavouring to find the entrance to the car park.

Little did we know that this was the least of our problems. Now 1210pm we were paying for our parking ticket when we began to see smoke coming from the bonnet of the alpha. We pulled into a space and D lifted the hood. What came next can only be described as a torrent of shouting and cursing as D despaired at what he had done. Before leaving he had filled the oil tank, but he had not replaced the screw top. To say that the oil had spilled out all over the engine was an understatement. You could hardly see the engine for all the oil. Instructing Ali to remain in the car and shutting the doors to cut out any audible vocabulary, I provided D with all the tissues and wipes I could lay my hands on, and consulted the ever impressive and attentive AA for advice. A yellow angel arrived within the hour and spectacularly found the screw top in the tray under the engine. Maybe someone was watching over us after all.

Now then, for those of you who have not had the fortune or opportunity to visit Edinburgh Zoo, let me just inform you of a very important fact. The zoo is positioned and built on a very large hill! Please let me assure you I was not so naive to think that there would not be a considerable amount of walking to do on this excursion, but I had not factored in the hill. So on arrival my mind spun as to how I was going to encourage Ali to keep going for the remainder of the day. In hindsight a lightweight folding pushchair may have been a wise.

Well, we managed to see the majority of all the animals and Ali did very well, although she did report on a regular basis that she was 'tired of walking, and running... and pedaling' ??? We just tried to distract her and keep her going. Getting home very late that evening I was mortified to realise that Ali had got blisters on her feet from all the walking. I felt like a total failure as a parent and so incredibly guilty. She had tried to tell us and we had not listened. In her totally positive manner she never even complained about them again - this didn't make me feel any better though. There's certainly no instruction book to parenting - we seem to forever be learning the hard way!

We did enjoy the day but it was tiring for all. My advice to others;

1) Replace the lid on the oil tank once filled.

2) Get comprehensive directions and consult a road map

3) If taking little ones, add a pushchair to the baggage

4) Arrive in plenty of time to allow for rest breaks

5) Take a camera with a zoom feature otherwise your zebra in a field may as well be a cow in a field!

In other news, today is the day of our celebration of being together for 5 years. The cold I was worried about has turned out to be the smallest problem factoring into my plans. Being a woman has interfered with a vengeance leaving me totally depressed about the whole thing. I am trying to be positive and convince myself that it will still be lovely and romantic, and at least we will get a good nights sleep! It's not working though.

Life Insurance

2008-10-09T21:55:00.003+01:00

Over the years I have started to realise that there are many poignant moments in life. The majority of these are special or endearing moments like memories with loved ones or children, or laughing hysterically while reminiscing over losing ones virginity. Imagine my consuming horror when the simple task of arranging life insurance developed into one of my memoirs.

Simply realising that life insurance was an important and necessary part of my life now and considering the act of organizing such cover, had led to a cascade of dramatic thoughts and emotions, which plunged me into a state of anxiety and despair at the very possibility of my daughter being motherless. My imagination would run wildly into one nightmare after another as I imagined horrendous situations leading to my elimination, or even worse, the eradication of both her parents. This in turn developed into scenes of ghastly children’s homes and/or abusive carers, which naturally became an inevitable life of wasted education, drink, drugs and sexual disease. So you can see how easily this was spiralling way out of control.

As fate would have it apparently I had ‘recently answered a survey’ in which I had ‘expressed an interest in being quoted for life insurance cover’, and so Mr Tim had called me to primarily see ‘how I was this morning’ and to offer to help me in my quest. Obviously this was the best time to agree given it was an hour and a half until I had to have Ali at nursery and neither of us had been showered, dressed or had lunch.

All was going swimmingly and I was enjoying a mid morning flirt with Mr Tim on the phone as he talked me through the initial questions and terms and conditions of the policy. Suddenly I was plunged into desolation as the most dreaded of all questions reared its ugly head. ‘Your height please?’, and there was no mistaking what was coming next. ‘And your weight please?’ A lump in my throat the size of a mammoth rendered me completely speechless – something very unusual for me. My response – ‘is that imperative to the quote?’ (of course it is – they want to know if I’m the size of a whale so they can deduce if I’m going to explode, have a heart attack or die of diabetes or something). Whispering my answer as if it would make it more bearable, depression swooped over me, and the words ‘yeah unfortunately I haven’t lost the baby weight yet’ flew out of my mouth as if pleading for acceptance. Praying for the ground to swallow me up, I swear I heard a change in Mr Tim’s tone of voice. I was no longer the ‘pin up girl’ he was imagining while conversing – it was back to purely business talk. Not even an ounce of flattery.

At the bargain price of £10 a month I get a large lump sum payout in the event of my death and our mortgage paid off in full. My death can be under any circumstances, to include diagnosis of critical illness (ie. cancer) at any point from agreeing to the policy; but excludes suicide, or I’m guessing - death by embarrassment or self indulgent and gluttonous comfort eating in response to sales consultant induced depression.

A tub of Ben and Jerry’s later – decision made to direct all efforts into searching for my original figure no matter how difficult.

2008-10-05T20:24:00.003+01:00

Excellent day today. After a long debate about how to spend the day earlier this morning, decision was to drive to Kielder Water and visit the Bird of Prey Centre. Unaware that this centre even existed I agreed this was an brilliant suggestion from D, and I think may have been even more excited than Ali!

There was a moment along the way as the winding roads got to me and the fertilizer became ever so slightly revolting, that I thought 'was this really the best idea?'; but once there it was great. The staff were so friendly and showed us round explaining about the birds. Ali was made up.

The 'Piece De Resistance' was definitely the flying show which I was so glad we made in time. Several members of the staff demonstrated how they flew the birds during the 'season' which was now ending, and explained how actually most of the birds do not wish to fly but only do so to catch food. Otherwise they do a lot of sitting around. This did put my mind at ease as I was worried they may be quite bored! One member of staff also explained how conservation actually prolongs the life of many of the birds considerably, along with raising money for preservation of species along the way.

At one point I had 'Deed' the European Eagle Owl millimetres from my head as the falconer stood right behind me (without telling me - I hasten to add!), and called him over. I literally thought he was going to fly into me he was so low. I ducked and let out a sneaky swear word as the other spectators howled with laughter. Hilariously stomach churning.

Finale - The Black Kite who had meticulous vision and observation skills. You could see him focusing so intently as each trick was performed. As pieces of meat were thrown into the air he would swoop in on them mid flight and eat them while flying - without the need to land. Those watching were allowed an attempt to fling the food respectively for the bird. At this point I allowed D to take the spotlight as I had no desire or inclination to touch dead animal shreds! I only hope I have the fortune to see some of these birds in the wild someday!

Overall fabulous experience - recommended to adults and children 3 to 93. Ali is three and although her attention span is not great, she seemed to really enjoy it too, and I was just so pleased we were spending some quality time together!

While we are in good spirits and feeling brave, tomorrow it's going to be Edinburgh Zoo!

Gonna have to start planting trees on account of the ever increasing tissue usage!

2008-10-04T20:38:00.005+01:00

Is it possible for a three year old to have OCD? Ali is obsessed with a) washing her hands, and b) removing anything black - eg. Burnt bits on food or muck on shoes etc. I thought kids love to make a mess? Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I haven't allowed her to be messy enough. It is probably down to me. I mean, today I was buying 'crafty things' for Christmas from 'Hobby-Craft', and all of the gifts were 'tidy' craft sets, or 'no mess' compilations. And I am the kind of mother who wont allow the play dough out of the pot without a large plastic mat and my constant supervision. The mother who demands colouring inside the lines and hair to be blow dried immediately before it drys naturally and uncontrollably. Yep, I guess I answered my own question. It couldn't have come from anywhere else. Perhaps her Grandad - who likes everything at ninety degree angles!

So, I am one week away from the luxury evening for two that I booked for me and D to celebrate five years together. Still riddled with a vicious cold I am getting very worried. At this rate I have paid through the roof for champagne that will stimulate a coughing fit, a three course meal I can't taste, and an expensive nights disturbed sleep - with a pretty view. Bloody typical.

Extract from my book - comments please

2008-09-30T22:40:00.005+01:00

Childbirth

On the morning I went into labour with Ali I remember how the cat stayed very close to me. My mind threw back to Lorraine Kelly on morning TV talking about something similar happening to her when she started to contract with one of her children. The cat knew that something was going to happen, and it wasn’t long before I knew too!

Straining my eyes as it became daylight I wandered through to the bathroom, cat very close behind me. I had stomach cramps, like as if I was starting my menstrual cycle but this was nothing new, I had been experiencing these for weeks. At one point I had convinced myself that Ali was going to be 2 weeks early – I was now exactly a week overdue and becoming increasingly fed up.

No sooner had I lowered myself to the toilet, than the entire contents of my digestive tract emptied – stat – into the basin. This continued, for some time. I thought maybe I was ill. A stomach bug or I had eaten something dodgy. But as this thought drifted out of my mind the pain struck hard. Immediately contracting every 3-5minutes, thick and fast, my abdomen tightening with such strength that it made me feel sick, I prayed that I was actually labouring and not being completely pathetic. There was none of the gradual ‘build-up’ from crampy pains to increasingly strong contractions that I had been learning about for near on 3 years; no time to focus and get myself psychologically in the right ‘frame of mind’.

When my gut was empty I ‘hobbled’ back through to the bedroom, clutching my belly, where I proceeded to inform D that I was in labour – or if I wasn’t then my pain threshold was zero and I needed an epidural – now! I have never seen D move so fast. Bouncing out of the bed he quickly phoned work and returned to my side. Worried I wasn’t in labour I rang the hospital for advice. As I was told to take paracetamol and have a warm bath, I bit my tongue, ended the conversation and threw the phone across the room. I knew that advice all to well. I had regurgitated this advice on many occasions.

The perpetrator of the advice was right about one thing. I needed a wash. There was no way that I was going to set foot in a hospital and have the intimate care that was about to occur without having a shower. This was my pet hate. When you are 41 weeks pregnant, there are things that you can’t do – practicality just doesn’t allow. For example, undertaking an aerobics class or sex in the missionary position with someone other than a contortionist. Maintaining hygiene is not one of them. Adamant I would be clean on entering my labour room, I ‘puffed’ my way through the quickest shower ever and pulled on something baggy and black.

Still part of me felt I should be waiting some time before making that all important trip to the hospital, that I was going to be deemed ‘weak’ and ‘not yet in established labour’. D persuaded me otherwise as I struggled into the ‘alpha romeo’ where her forced me to sit on eight layers of towel as a precaution should my waters break. Erm…priorities!

The journey was horrendous. I couldn’t move about or breath properly because my lungs were so cramped. The 25 minute journey seemed like an eternity but then suddenly we were there at the maternity unit. I had done a week as an elective placement in the same maternity unit and knew it was a good hospital, and I knew just the midwife I was going to ask for.

Stopping every so often to breath and moan, as we worked our way through the corridors, I remember everyone staring – I knew they were thinking ‘rather you than me’, and ‘will she get there in time’, but it didn’t affect me for long as the next wave of agony would rupture into full force and I would be clinging onto something as if for dear life.

On the labour ward I was taken to the ‘admission room’ – the room we take people when we don’t believe they are in established labour. I wanted to cry. Surely this much pain had to mean I was in labour or they were going to have to knock me out.

6cm – hoorah – now give me the damn gas and air! I was moved to a labour room where the midwife gave me the entonox, which I virtually snatched from her. Ironically the midwife I had hoped for was not working that day, but I had a lovely midwife, for what I remember of her.

It took a while to get changed into my nightie (why we all feel the need to birth in nightie’s is still beyond me) as I didn’t have much time between contractions. They were getting closer together and certainly increasingly painful. It is so hard to explain the pain. Intense, crippling, extreme, severe, relentless. In my native Geordie language ‘it bloody knacks like nothing I’ve ever felt in my entire life’. In truth I caved and could not cope with it any longer. At 6 cm I could be another 5 hours in labour at least, if I were to progress an average of a cm an hour as the ‘books’ relate. I didn’t think for a second I would last that long.
Just my luck – No diamorphine. I didn’t want the pethidine but I had to have something so I agreed. Big mistake. Big, big mistake.

Communication central

2008-09-30T21:16:00.005+01:00

Mother has been on the phone ranting about her stubborn mother, my gran. She is hilariously making a mountain out of a mole hill again - not realising that she is being just as obnoxious, because neither of them are willing to change their plans for each other! So this is what I have to look forward to as I age! At least D will be long gone by then and wont have to endure me through it!

Gran has been on the phone, Ali's great grandmother. We are visiting her tomorrow. She lives in Cumbria about 2 hours from here. Have reassured her we will come as early as possible, but will ring her in the morning as we are leaving (or she will have kittens worrying about us).

Mother in Law has been on the phone. She is moving to a new flat over the next few days with Atholl Davidson - the movers, not her brother - and she is having someone come to measure for carpets. Mmmhmmmm.

Good friend of mine from uni called. Lots to catch up on. Phone battery now dead.

D is watching the football - no conversation from him, therefore its just as well everybody is ringing. I wouldn't dream of even trying to talk to him, it would be like drawing blood from a stone.

My brother has not answered my text or phoned- guessing girlfriend is still there!

Let me.....entertain you!

2008-09-29T11:33:00.000+01:00

In a united front to battle this cold and misery (ok, so the latter may be a little dramatic); we decided to go to the circus and have some fun! A totally animal free circus I might add! Ali was very excited, yet she kept forgetting what it was called and repeated 'when we go to the.....', awaiting my entry of circus to complete her enquiries. I have to admit I was also quite excited. I think it was the anticipation of seeing her enjoying our day out. We went with some friends, so there was a little man of her age with us too.

Not quite in the spirit of things I spent the first part of the show trying to work out where the third 'ring' was in 'Uncle Sam's American Three Ring Circus', as under my observation there were only two. However I do need my eyes testing again. My next goal was to position us on our chairs without them tipping forward - which I decided was going to be near impossible. After diverting the children's attention from the expensive strobe light toys to the start of the show, we were entertained by a steady stream of acts; an eclectic mix of slap-stick comedy to poor taste performances bordering very close to inappropriate humour, with a few actual circus tricks in for good measure - so that they could actually call it a circus.

To ensure you do no think me too cynical in this world of children's entertainment, there were some very good heart stopping acts within the show. I was extremely impressed by the roller-skating duo who circled a silver platform about 2 metres in diameter, 'flinging' each other in all sorts of directions. At one point when the male of the partnership attached a strap to his neck and proceeded to attach it to his partners head, I could feel the intensity inside myself. Spinning her round at increasing rate she then began to spin round herself mid air on an axis placed in the centre of the strap. The volume of the audience was enough to demonstrate the success of the trick. No trapeze or tight-rope though, much to my dismay.

Finale time did not fail to deliver as well. Unbelievably three guys on motorbikes entered a metal sphere cage and performed an array of tricks inside with very little space between them! I am convinced that I actually heard two of them clip each other slightly at one point. Fantastic finish. Well, the kids loved most of it and that was the whole point - so successful trip out overall.

On a more adult entertainment level - I have spent a small fortune on a dirty night away for me and D in celebration of our 5 years together. A package entitled 'Moonlight n Vermont' - to include champagne and canapes on arrival, a three course evening meal, the nights stay in the Vermont Hotel (Newcastle Quayside - 4 star), breakfast the next morning - and the best bit - check out time of 7pm! What on earth are we going to do all day.......?

I must end this post. I can no longer fight the tears now welling in my eyes because Nemo's mother has just been killed by the barracuda.

Rage

2008-09-25T21:51:00.006+01:00

Gutted - the house that I hoped to place an offer on when ours sold is no longer on the market. They have not sold it but have decided not to continue to attempt to sell. I had fallen in love with it. I could see us all in it. Ali in the garden with a trampoline at the bottom, playing around without me having to worry about her. Having friends around for dinner, sitting together at night watching TV. A sink that Ali can actually reach to wash her hands after going to the toilet! Bloody nightmare. I am so furious with the whole damn situation. Somebody just buy this house so I can get the hell out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the background the TV is showing a programme about staying a virgin until your wedding day! Jesus (yeah it is pretty religious) - in my case I would be waiting to infinity and beyond. Although completely ludicrous, I did get quite emotional. Something they said relating to the relationships these girls have with their dad really broke me. But the word 'warped' came to mind. And these girls are indoctrinated into protecting their virginity from the age of about 6. Six. How can a six year old make any kind of informed decision about her future relationships. Six. They have a ball every year to celebrate it. The world has gone mad. Or America has. Or always has been. (All feelings expressed in this blog are simply my opinion based solely on impression/observation and in no way represent fact or even a particularly researched insight into topics discussed - do not sue me I have no money!)

Generally in a shitty mood tonight. Aside from being gutted and emotional, my throat feels like its on fire (and not in a good way), my wisdom teeth are throbbing (wisdom has nothing to do with it), and my head is pounding and so tight to the frontal area it might explode. So sitting here in front of the computer is not going to help.

Bloody madness!

2008-08-03T21:25:00.010+01:00

I wish I could sing 'working nine to five', but its more 'working 24/7, what a way to stop you living' at the moment! Having finished my seventh day in a row I collapsed in a heap on the sofa tonight and fell asleep, while my good as gold daughter watched 'ceebeebies' quietly and allowed me to nap. Waking to 'Chris and Poi' singing about 'the time is now, to say goodnight, to say goodnight till the morning light', I realised my poor neglected daughter had had no evening meal and hadn't even complained. Rustling up some pasta very quickly, my mind returned to a woman I was caring for earlier today. For some unknown reason I still seem to have difficulty distancing myself from certain cases. Because I care for the women I look after I often bring home my worries and fears for them. I have to find some way of putting these aside from my home life. At the minute it is just healthy 'caring for people', but it could easily drive me bonkers. No doubt I will be ringing in the morning to find out how she is doing!

Super-dad swooped in again today to rescue our 'lack of childcare' situation. Thank you super-dad! Incidentally Ali loves spending time with her Grandad, which helps! He always had a way of being completely entertaining to kids. And he really can make up a song on the spot about absolutely anything!

The whole world and their dogs, yes dogs, seem to be getting married, except for me! To say I am jealous at this stage would be a gut-wrenching understatement. A colleague at work brought in her wedding photos today, (for which she paid over a grand!), and she looked so unbelievably happy, and so beautiful. She said herself that she had been lucky enough to love two people across her life time and why shouldn't she celebrate loving someone all over again. Hear here!

So, hilariously, I have bought a 'step' and step aerobics DVD! Ha! - because the mountain must come to Mohammad as Mohammad can't get to the mountain (or in this case the gym!). I have taken decisive action to do something about my weight, without spending any money which will be needed for new house and wedding, on abdominal surgery! The fact that I am trying to persuade myself to get up half an hour earlier EVERY DAY to do at least part of the dvd is most comical. The majority of days I already get up at 0530hrs! So with 5 mins to get kit on and half an hour to do it that means 0455hrs. Am I bloody mad! No doubt in a few months I will be sporting such improved tone and fitness, I will be 'sprinting' down to the local sports store to purchase an 'up the bum' leotard, so I can show off my 'Call on me' moves!

Me and D are having a well deserved night out tomorrow, a meal and a flick. Surprisingly D came home one evening and stated he was keen to see the 'Mamma Mia' movie, so scraping my jaw up from the floor I arranged it before he had a chance to change his mind. Uncle Iain is babysitting - lucky Uncle Iain! This I am sure will be an experience for him, having only minded her during the day previously and having never had to put her to bed! He has already decided he will unlikely have kids on the basis of my daughter and his niece! This might just finish him and make his mind up once and for all! Good luck to him!

It's been a long time......

2008-07-10T15:20:00.000+01:00

To say it has been a long time since I last wrote is a bit of an understatement. January. It is now the middle of July, that's nearly half a year. So aside from stating the obvious, we have some catching up to do.

This year did not begin so well for us all, which is why I took some time out from writing. My feelings were unclear, as many emotions took over all of us. Petty worries like ex-wives became insignificant as D's father, who had been diagnosed with cancer over the Christmas period, became ill very quickly, with March approaching. We had already made plans to fly out to New Zealand at the end of March as his initial diagnosis had given him up to 6 months. March was upon us when it became clear that his time was coming very quickly. Doctors had been advising D's sister, who also lives out there, to wait for further tests before getting us out there too - so we adhered to their advice. Despite a last minute attempt to move our flights forward it was too late and he had gone within 2 days of his health becoming drastically more concerning. So D had not seen his father in 4 years and his father had never met his grand-daughter or new daughter-in-law to be.

Full of bitterness and anger we made the horrendous and long trip out to NZ for the funeral with my almost 3 year old daughter in tow, whose excitement quickly turned to boredom. The trip and meeting with rest of D's family on the other side of the world, which I had looked forward to for years, became three weeks of tears, tough times and goodbyes. Guilt and anger virtually silenced D and I barely knew how to grieve for the father in law I had never physically met. While there I turned to my writing for comfort in the absence of my own family and friends for support. I wrote to D's father in an attempt make peace with myself over what had happened, however D is still far from peace himself.

I am not a religious person, but I do feel I have what I can only term as 'faith'. I do not know 'what in' and I don't think there is a being which I believe represents this 'faith'; but I think most people, including me, would like to believe there is 'something' or 'someplace' greater than this reality. If we are right and there is such a place, then I hope he is there at peace himself.

Ali however thought the 'holiday' was fantastic. D's relatives have a lot of land and she and her cousin just ran around all day. She had so much freedom, I felt so cruel when we got back home and had so many restrictions and rules to reinforce.

Prior to leaving we had our loft conversion completed, which all needed decorating on return, so we went from exhaustion from travelling and anxiety, to knackered from all the work which was being done. If I never see a paintbrush in a million years it will be to soon!

We are back into reality now and a few months on, slowly feeling better. Financial pressures are getting us down, but Ali keeps us going with her comedy comments. She did a classic the other day when we visited the new Marks and Spencer in Hexham. As we past the tights for sale, demonstrated by manikin legs she very loudly decided to ask 'why are those legs kicking mammy?' which cracked me up and several of the sales staff also.

The economy is hitting us hard, as it is with most of the population. Our house just will not sell due to the ? recession, ? no recession problems, and don't even start me on a rant about the petrol prices. So, I'm watching the news for the first time in ages last night and I have tuned in just in time to see Gordon Brown at the meeting of world leaders, swinging on his revolving chair as if he is 7 years old. Our prime minister, who is 'running' this country. The mind boggles.

Defenses threatened

2008-01-28T15:36:00.000Z

Not content with my first night of horror, I ended up watching 'Alien vs Predator' the next evening, which I knew would have me a complete nervous wreck. This sudden craving for fear and adrenaline, be it partying or scary movies, makes me wonder if I am in need of something else in my life. Before I go all happy clappy, psychology on you, I don't mean something spiritual per say, just something for me. A hobby, or past-time that could be a source of fun, interest and exhilaration, without being to life threatening. Something that would really get me excited, that I could look forward to, and that would be a release for my ever increasing stress levels. So should anyone have any ideas then they are very welcome! Of course the only other requirement is that this cannot cost much! And before anyone suggests sex, I get plenty of that thanks!

More to the point, my weekend has been interesting to say the least. Friday began with great anticipation for the evening's plans, having spent the majority of Thursday trying on outfits and attempting to decided between 'hot and slutty' and 'smart-casual and sexy'. Following lunch with my brother and father I did feel quite ill, however this was not enough to interfere with my escapades, but it did mean having to drink less! Shame.

Although late for my train and having to drive for the first part of the evening - meaning no drink full stop - the night was thoroughly enjoyed by all. Not having been out clubbing since the previous April I completely let my hair down, even though the club was just as terrible as I remember from my younger days, and virtually empty, on a Friday night? Bizarre.

I did however bump into my ex briefly as I was staying in town with a friend. He looked unhappy, I looked just fabulous, and it felt good to genuinely feel nothing for him, good about myself and happy with my partner and family. His loss, my gain and lucky escape!

So the weekend continued with an 'ex' theme as D's ex wife came to collect some belongings that were still in our loft! Now some people tell me I am a saint to have kept them thus far, but I am trying so hard not to let my jealous and psychotic streak run free at this point, and I definitely didn't want to appear childish. I spent a day and a half trying to ensure the house was spotless and gorgeous, and that me and Ali looked fantastic. My emotions, god, I cant seem to make any sense of them. D is always telling me he doesn't feel anything for her now and its me he wants, lah-dee-da, but I just cant seem to believe him and get on with life.

I was so anxious about the whole thing. She only stayed for five minutes, didn't even have a coffee, but it was still way to long. OK, so start from the beginning. I had to make a trip to the tip and shop therefore I only arrived home as she was walking into my house. Seeing her walk into my house - my house - was enough to distract me as I parked, sorry, collided the car into the wall of the parking space. Rapidly following her in I dumped the shopping and continued into the house where I said hello and then proceeded to stare out the window at her and D as he helped her into the car with the boxes of stuff. They cant have talked for more than a few minutes but it seemed like an eternity. Trying to watch from the window but look like I wasn't purposefully watching them was hard, but I did not like the way D was playing with his hair, so I resolved to send Ali out to see her daddy and then follow her out as if I was worried about her. This seemed to interrupt them which was annoying but good as she proceeded to leave. I said goodbye, as did D and Ali, and that was it.

This 5 minutes was enough to have me completely obsessive and totally scared out of my brain that this all 'meant something' in the grand scheme of things. I have never pretended to like the fact that D had been married before, but in the beginning it didn't matter so much because we were just dating. Moving in together and having Ali happened so quickly, along with me trying to finish my degree and get a job that I have never really thought about it properly. She had cropped up in conversations before and I had not been happy about it, but I had never thought about it properly and how I felt emotionally. She was definitely no threat in terms of looks, as I had age on my side, (as far as I'm aware I have no grey hairs yet - yes!) but she was skinnier than me, which is not hard, and the whole world knows how un-confident I have become since childbearing. I couldn't help but still feel threatened, why shouldn't I feel defensive and be alert to a threat towards my family/relationship - surely that is an animal/biological instinct? All I could think as I saw her with him was - 'there was once a carnal lust and attraction between you, that could still be there; you both had sex, regularly; you were married; she has your name!'

D was so quiet for the rest of the day, I didn't know if this was good or bad and proceeded to fill the silence with more obsessiveness, which I think made things worse. So I tried to really open up to him last night. I told him how worried it made me, and how I could only assume that my fear of things being ruined between us was caused by my previous experiences of relationships - ie. my dad leaving my mum, and my ex using me while still in love with someone else. Alas he just said he understood but continued in his silence and fell asleep, so I am no further forward. I have quite a frontal headache from deliberating everything all weekend.

All things considered, I am determined to enjoy my last few days off. D has the next two days off also, so I am hoping that we can all have some quality time together, really talk about everything.

Purposeful partying

2008-01-19T23:18:00.000Z

Well I have started my week and a half off work by watching some horror film on TV. I am so going to have nightmares tonight. In fact I have started to blog in order to avoid having to completely focus on it. Of course some kind of in born need to see the endings to films having begun to watch them, compels me to see it through; although despite being as far from squeamish as humanly possible given my career choice, I am definitely feeling fairly sick at this point.

Last night on the contrary was a laugh a minute, as a group of us went out for a meal into Newcastle. (Keegan, Keegan!). No, not to the football, to an Italian - but in evening dresses. Which bright spark came up with that idea then? Not guilty for once. Mutton dressed as lamb comes to mind. Alas I spent most of the night holding my gorgeous, hideously expensive dress off the floor as it trailed all over the place.

Of course we thought the night had started quite well as we got parked very close to the restaurant; but it soon became apparent that it was going to go rapidly downhill as I tried to fasten the buckle on my heels on arrival, but could not reach my feet given the restraints of the fitted cleavage section to my dress. So bum in the air, sticking into the road, and legs up onto the car seat was the only way forward, not surprisingly causing a stir among drunken rowdy passers by and attracting plenty of car horns. Evidently no wolf whistles, just mocking cheers and 'oioi's' - damn.

Feeling slightly over-dressed, myself and a friend made our way to meet the others, which may sound fairly straight forward, but neither of us are exactly 'comfortable' in heels. We must have looked a shocking sight as we fumbled along to the restaurant, trying to stay upright and keep our gowns down in the wind.

Perhaps it was fate that I was driving and could not drink alcohol as our table in the restaurant was on the the third floor, two sets of stairs up, one of them a spiral staircase; and the toilets were then three flights of stairs down! So still upright on reaching our table, I decided this was an appropriate time to trial the strength of my bladder.

Nice meal, good company, met a few new interesting people. Food I'm not supposed to eat a plenty - including a pudding of course - which was nearly omitted in favour of coffee; 'aahhemm', excuse me while I nearly choke at the thought of favouring coffee over a dessert. Decision was to share a 'Death by chocolate' with a friend in order to prevent death from too many calories.

Of course consensus was to go for a drink following the meal, and who wouldn't choose a bar up a huge hill we all had to tackle in our heels? Who was making these decisions? So yes, we all geared up to climb the hill, heels in situ, despite me piping up with 'whats wrong with this bar down here?'. About a mile behind the others, myself and my friend wobbled our way up the 'mountain', my dress flying furiously about me like something on the moors from a period drama, and my friend freezing death with only a shawl round her shoulders. However we were not going to be beaten in our hard, Northern females stereotype, (manly) 'arrgggh'! Evening dress or no evening dress.

Leaving slightly earlier than the others, the two of us made our way back down the 'mountain' to the car, avoiding the subway not only for our safety but to avoid more steps, however it became too much for my friend who continued with heels removed despite my anxiety with regards to chills and getting a cold. Ridiculously I carried on in mine, getting stuck in pavement cracks and pot-holes the entire way.

So, next Friday we are endeavouring to 'party' the night away in what is reputably known as one of the worst nightclubs around. Another left-field idea which is going to have a huge group of us enduring more embarrassment to be sure. I dare say however, that I may be too bladdered to notice. The sudden improvement in my social life has me very enthusiastic. I feel it may be time for me to let go and enjoy some life again for a while, before I become completely penniless with a bigger house and enormous mortgage. In with shots and cocktails, and out with the old boring, tired me. Well, for one night anyway. I dare say I will be back to my hot-chocolate and early nights when I make acquaintance with my hangover the next day. Ironically I am going to turn up for an appointment with my nutritionist the morning after, feeling, well, terribly unwell. How humorous.

2008???

2008-01-05T22:18:00.000Z

Dearest readers, who continue to read my rantings no matter how droll.

Well it is now 2008. What the hell happened there then? Where did 2007 go? I would love to write about how I partied so hard into the new year that I cant remember it happening, however that would be a bare faced lie! For the 3rd time towards the end of 2007 I was pretty sick - therefore was very much in my bed trying to sleep, well breath, through a completely snot clogged nose and throat which felt like it had been slit. All well now, and with no intention of moaning about that for any longer, I am eagerly awaiting my birthday on Tuesday. Not that I have anything particularly special planned but I do have a gorgeous dress! Yes I have splashed out on a stupendous evening dress - beautifully bought in the sale saving me £130 - yes I will repeat that - £130!! So I have already been on at D to make sure he is taking me somewhere really posh, like with a pianist in the corner or something, how exciting would that be!

Other reportings to include: The Fabulous, Unbelievably Brilliant, So Sexy Bruce Springsteen in Concert! My god, how good he was cannot even be described. It was genius rip-roaring through a microphone and being blasted into the heavens of the acoustically perfect O2 arena. No fancy lighting, special effects, costumes or stage show - just 'The Boss', commanding his stage very manfully with the ever great E-Street Band totally on form around him! Worth every penny spent. Even thinking of trying to go again!

New Years Resolutions!

1) Obviously will lose 4-5stone! (Of course I would settle for 3)

2) To get back to health/fitness so as not to get fired before even a year into my job

3) To do some charity work and give something back as clearly I'm very lucky

4) To plough on with my book/screenplay - whichever develops first

5) Do not crash car this year!

6) Remember everyone's birthdays and send cards (failed already, sorry Belle it will be late!)

7) Stay in contact with distant friends

8) Plan and save for wedding

9) Stick to resolutions

I know how he feels!

2007-11-15T12:06:00.000Z

As I am sitting in the GP surgery listening to the instrumental 'jazz' versions of modern songs, typically heard in the Coop supermarket, I am reading a magazine article about best friends and the extent that they have gone to to support their mates. One woman has donated her eggs to her pal who couldn't conceive, one has saved another's daughter from a freak accident, and another has left her job to care for her best friend while she is debilitated by a severe illness. My eyes welling up, I am fighting back the tears so as not to appear like a fool in front of the whole waiting room, but I begin to realise that I have become an emotional wreck of late.

Mood swings are understatement of the week, and the tantrums my daughter has been having so clearly originate from me! Swinging off the handle at the slightest of things. The poor sales rep who phoned one evening to try and convince me that I needed life insurance must not have known what hit him, as I started ranting that this had been the fifth phone call of the evening from reps like himself, that it was 2030pm therefore it was wholly inappropriate to be ringing anyway, and that if I wanted life insurance - which actually I do eventually - I would be investigating the market myself anyhow. Of course having been trained well he mustered up a faint 'sorry to have bothered you' and 'thank you for your time', before hanging up and prompting a huge wave of guilt to sweep through me.

And before you say it, I am not pregnant. Although I have no idea what in gods name my hormones are doing these days I can at least be assured I am not about to go through another 9 months of misery and no sleep. I seem to be having an everlasting menstrual period, for almost a month now, teamed with its Pre-menstrual tension, Menstrual tension and Post-menstrual tension to boot. This is unfortunate for D as he now often comes home to me storming about the place with a face on and a voice like thunder, making him feel the need to turn and run like a bat out of hell! And poor Ali is so confused because one minute I am smiling and laughing with her; then I am in tears and shes saying 'don't be sad mammy' while cuddling me; then I am furious and shouting for some reason or another; which is sharply followed by the unresponsive me who is just sick of this roller coaster and fed up with having to fight all the time to try and make things better, only to be knocked down at every hurdle, despite every effort that is being made!

You have not heard from me for a while and quite possibly you are now wishing I hadn't started writing again. I tried to blame it on writers block! The truth of it is that I have been on so many emotional highs and lows recently that those who don't know me probably would have questioned whether I was on drugs. Although not physically worn out, mental deliberating and anxiety has exhausted my mind, to the point where on an evening I sit mind-numbed either staring and some rubbish on TV that I am not really watching, or I drink profusely and pretend to do something on the computer.

Sometimes its not even major issues that have me so mad. It is the little things that grate on me on a daily basis, but they don't seem to bother D so it is so hard to make him understand. For example; I am coming home from work it has been a shitty, stressful day as per usual and it is freezing, windy and raining. The back windscreen wiper on my car still doesn't work as I have not been able to get it to the garage yet, it also needs a service and keeps stalling and wont go into reverse gear without a bicep work out (no not even I am that bad at driving, it is the car!). When I eventually get home having picked Ali up from the childminders, during which we have a battle while trying to get her strapped into her car seat; I nearly snap my neck twisting round trying to reverse into the car parking space (when eventually the car decides to let me put it into reverse), and when we get in the house it is bloody freezing because the fire has not been on all day and we don't have gas central heating! I return to pick up the bags from the porch where I dropped them all as I caught my leg on the pedal of the bike that stands in the way there, (because it has no where else to go), prompting a whole array of colourful language to try and say quietly in an attempt to bring up my daughter correctly. Once troops and baggage are safely inside I start the fire leaving all coats in situ until it at least warms the living room a touch. Incidentally the fire decides it doesn't really want to go so I sit for half and hour holding a piece of newspaper across the front to try and force it to. Once again Ali requests Cbeebies on the TV, so a background noise of annoying songs and characters ensues, while I feel terribly guilty for having used the TV as a babysitter for almost every day that week, so much so that we have seen all the episodes which are broadcast and could probably recite them. Losing count of how many times Ali has said 'mammy' since we arrived home I retreat into the kitchen to try and start a meal for myself and D, and rapidly put the oven on to warm up the kitchen, even though I only need the rings! While trying to set the tumble dryer going (because we don't have enough rooms to use radiators), I forget that the door has been hanging on for its life and manage to rip the whole thing off - luckily it still goes if you force it back on - and Ali is telling me she doesn't like her furry slippers and promptly walks around barefoot as she has removed her socks telling me they are dirty. I try to explain to her it is too cold not to have anything on her feet while putting the slippers back on, and re-placing her into the living room where it is warmest and wiping the stream of snot from her nose. When eventually the coats have come off and I go to hang them up in the front porch, it quickly comes to light that a small flood has come through the ceiling - a regular event in bad weather - which requires a few towels and rapid rearranging of the contents of this area. I go to place Ali's pyjamas on the radiator to warm and immediately change my mind as I see the various items of clothing that have become stuck behind it which I have been unable to retrieve due to the overhang of the windowsill. I instead opt for the fireguard thinking I have moved it far enough back so as not to mark them, however on return they have already started to singe. The cats are fighting in the background too now as the little male cat is getting horny already and continues to pounce on the female cats bottom, so I bellow at them until my throat hurts and then decide the only action which will solve the problem is to separate them. Difficult when there is such a lack of rooms. Out into the rain for some coal for the fire, passing the mountain of ironing in the utility which is enough to make anyone cry, there appears to be another dead rodent of some kind on the mat in the back porch with all its organs carefully layed out, proving that actually the female cat is most definitely a surgeon. Having cleared this up I can only look at the un-started tea and pile of dishes from that morning still in the sink as D pulls up the drive to join the chaos and frustratingly he glides his even longer car into the spot behind mind. When he tuts at the kitchen as if I have done nothing, I have to keep my hands in my non-existent pockets to prevent myself from punching his lights out and following a small protest that I have been trying to do them but have had a few distractions, I retreat into the living room feeling a total failure as a 'housewife' and mother while he bangs and crashes through the mess as if to make a point. This is not a one off kind of occurrence, this is almost every night of the week! Enough said?So just in case you haven't heard enough of my moaning yet, you can believe my utter horror when we have the first offer on our house in like what seems like a million years, only to find out it is £20000 less than the asking price, £30000 less than it was originally placed on the market for. After initially refusing this offer in the hope they might come back to us with a little more we decided to visit our local mortgage advisor who was resident within an estate agent himself. The brunt of his advice was that if the market continues to plummet we may not even get that offer again, losing out even more. Is this not what I have been saying for about the past year??? So finally David convinced that we may need to cut and run now, as continuing with the loft conversion may lead to negative equity, we decide to get back in touch with the couple who made the offer to say we would except if it was £5000 extra. Too f****** late! They have already ploughed ahead with an offer on another property, but if its any consolation they would be interested should there be any problems with this chain. There aren't enough stars in the world to illustrate how I felt about this.

Back to square one, I have made a positive decision to try and stop dwelling on all this shit as it is really beginning to effect my personality, and everyone is sick to the core of me whingeing on about the whole sorry situation. So this is my, not so little, rant about the recent crap, and now I will try to rebuild and embrace the once very, 'smiley', 'upbeat' Jen who I have not seen of late!

Hopefally I wont have to do this to de-stress!

2007-10-23T21:23:00.000+01:00

It's been a while since I have written - grossly due to the fact I was away and then I went straight into a string of night shifts, therefore spent all of my free time sleeping in between. So to update:

Salsa was excellent. Although we didn't learn much more than we had during the previous classes we had been to, the teacher was just hilarious in a 'I don't care if I make a fool of myself' kind of way. Mostly women attended so there was plenty of drink, innuendo and laughter. Would definitely go again!

The night away in a hotel for our anniversary of when we met was just perfectly timed - a revelation for our relationship. Champagne and wine meant we could talk properly and freely for the first time in ages, and this was of course a chance to 're-awaken' the sexual side of things! We had definitely been in need of some time to concentrate fully on each other without distractions. I didn't even worry too much about Ali we were having such great fun. And a proper bed! Not just a mattress on the floor! Two double beds actually! So a choice - not that either were used much!

Then of course a run of three night shifts, just to dampen the mood. The first two proved deadly dull, being mainly breastfeeding support and feeding/winding babies all night. But last night -bloody hell, talk about busy. Not one midwife got a drink, any food, any kind of a break last night, and most of us were there until late this am trying to complete notes we had been unable to maintain to ensure the women had basic care. I mean I am talking some midwives having up to 3 women in labour, several trips to theatre and pulling two midwives from another ward to try and handle the workload. I was pooped by the time I got home - I couldn't even stay awake while having breakfast with D and Ali. And I think I have injured my leg because it feels like I have pulled a muscle, but when I was trying to sleep today I had unbelievably painful cramp. It was like a battle to decide whether I should get up and walk around or if I even could move at all I was so tired. Stupid, unfit body.

So two days off now. Rest, recuperate and recharge the batteries for the next batch of shifts. Also to try and spend some quality time with Ali and D, without being snappy and course!

2007-10-17T18:38:00.000+01:00

While learning to live with the fact that there is no way I will get anywhere near 'First chance' 'Home and Away' this evening given the fact that Scotland happen to be competing in some kind of football event on TV at this moment in time; I am revelling in the fact that for once my day has been kind of good. Today I had the fabulous news I had been waiting for - my contract has been made permanent, so finally some job security! Of course today has also been the first day I have felt even remotely normal since last Thursday when I first developed 'the bug', so although exhausted I haven't felt so ridiculously crap. But the absolute icing on the cake is that tomorrow me and D celebrate four 'glorious' (puke - not quite) years together since we met and we are staying overnight in a hotel. Evening meal, champagne and chocs, presents, spa, alone time......need I say more. And of course we get to 'SLEEP IN' - oh my god the joys - I don't even know what that means anymore. A 'sleep in' used to be until lunch time for me, now it's like 8-9am. However, the infinitely, unbelievably, fantastically, wonderfully, brilliant, 'cherry on the top' news, is that, duh duh duh - I am going to the Bruce Springsteen concert in December in London!!!!!!!! So decision was to pay way, way, way over the odds (with a little help from my Dad) for a ticket to see Brucey as this was really the only option. Who was I trying to kid, trying to convince myself that it wouldn't be worth it! Jealous aren't ya!? Bring on that champers!

Germs!

2007-10-13T20:35:00.000+01:00

No doubt those of you who are regulars may be wondering where I have disappeared to. Well, I have managed to pick up some dreadful bug which has had me in horrendous pain and upset my digestive system big time over the last few days! Still trying to recover while eating next to nothing is proving difficult, however I at least have a valid reason for giving up on the ironing because I can hardly stand up! I am supposed to be going to a salsa & merenge dance evening on Tuesday but have been having visions of fainting in the arms of someone! Of course this may not be a bad thing if it's a gorgeous guy!

Of course tonight I was rostered on for a night shift but I could not have physically got myself to the hospital never mind looked after other people and babies for 12hours. And then there's Thursday and Friday, when me and D go away for the night for the anniversary of when we met - nice hotel and restaurant - I think it may well be vegetarian or fish dish, very plain with no sauce or heaviness! Here's hoping I can get rid of the little beasties! I think my stomach is hoping so too!

Seahouses to reality

2007-10-09T22:07:00.000+01:00

Well that's my holiday over now. Two days back at work and I am already moaning again! We didn't do anything in particular for our second week off, but it was nice to just all be together. Saturday proved to be a gorgeous day so we drove up the coast to Seahouses to play on the beach. My family and family friends used to holiday there during the Easter breaks in the past so I have a wealth of good memories there too. I saw some of the houses we had stayed in and did some of the things we used to do, like having an ice-cream, looking in the gift shops, playing in the arcades, looking among the rock pools on the beach for crabs, building sandcastles, playing frisbee, paddling etc. Too much to do and too little time. I think I was more excited than Ali at times. She seemed tired and even tried to sleep in her towel on the beach. Luckily she slept the journey's so we didn't have and toilet training battles like those endured to and from Scotland.

But now it is back to reality with a bump! New ward, even busier, but much more dull. Quite repetitive. Trying to be positive.

To Bruce or not to Bruce?? That is the question.

2007-10-03T19:40:00.000+01:00

I have a dilemma. Mr Bruce Springsteen is touring with the one and only E-Street band, probably for the last time I am guessing given his age (last time with the E-street band, I wouldn't dare to presume he would quit altogether as I am sure he is still in his prime!); and he only has one UK (London) date in December to the value of £150 for a ticket! So you see my problem!

Main arguments for:

- May never see him with the E-Street band again

- It was his work with the E-Street band which I love

- He may retire before I get the chance to see him at all

- I missed Tina Turner Live before she retired, which I have always regretted

- The only one of 'the greats' I have managed to see so far was Rod Stewart

- Life is too short to miss out on absolute spine tingling, hair raising music because of lack of funding

- Welcome break to the monotony of working life as would require an over night stay down South

- Much needed self prioritising = fulfilled

Main arguments against:

- Price + of travel and accommodation

- Will likely just be a dot on a stage anyway due to the size of the venue

- Ensuring childcare/babysitters

- Getting time off work???

- Finding someone to go with who is also prepared to pay their way (although my dad is interested!)

- Is just before Christmas when money is tight anyway

- Have already spent more than I have on our anniversary this October

- Will miss Ali as have only been away from her for one night since her birth and that was awful

So what would you do? Very hard decision to make!!!

I just think this is so gorgeous!

2007-10-02T22:37:00.000+01:00

I wish I had something arty done while I was pregnat with Ali (daughter Ali now). You can have casts of your bump made, nude portriats painted/drawn and gorgeous natural looking photography. Why it would seem you can even have your bump painted. This is so 'celebrating woman', 'celebrating nature' and 'celebrating motherhood'. Mind you, she is not exacltly the beached whale I was while pregnant, and there is not a stretch mark in sight! Still, I guess they could have been painted over!

Here are some more images from the website www.embody.org.uk/gallery.htm Take a look, some of the designs are breathtakingly beautiful! There are also some fabulous painted 'bump casts' at http://www.rockabelly.co.uk/gallerycolourbelly.html

Ali Antics

2007-10-02T21:46:00.000+01:00

Enjoying my holidays muchous muchous! (Is that even a language?) Doing not much at all is just fabulous. Spoke to my friend in France this evening which was just great because we haven't caught up in - well - too long. After much talk of a friend whom she is starting to become attracted to and how his grandfather is rich so consequently he is quite rich too, she tells me she has to go because its 2230 and she has to go out to get a mirror?????? Apparently someone nearby had put out a mirror as if they were going to get rid of it, so she was going to get it, but now at 2230pm just in case she was wrong about the 'getting rid' part! Not only this but she was in her pyjamas! Mental images of my friend creeping about in her pyjamas in the black dark, trying to discreetly move this mirror from someones back yard to her flat had me in hysterics! Shortly after this I have an instant message from her saying 'god its absolutely huge!'. My reply - 'what, the grandad or the mirror!' (well I thought it was funny) - No seriously, the next thing I know she has the web cam on trying to show me this mirror - which as it happens is massive when I decipher it among the furniture and reflection - and she proceeds to tell me she flirted with some guy on the street to get him to help her carry it up to her fifth floor flat. Now Ali has always been the care free one while I was the sensible one, but I had to say that she was really asking for it inviting some random stranger to her flat in her pyjamas, with a huge mirror! (kinky!) Poor guy probably thought his luck was in! Apparently she put some jeans on - so slightly better. Believe me I could start a whole new blog entitled 'the antics of Ali in France'.

Note: Apologies for any spelling mistakes. (Wine)

Note 2: Watched both 'Memoirs of Geisha' and 'The Constant Gardener' recently. Both very good films indeed - recommend them.

Note 3: Received photo of mirror from Ali so have included it!

2007-09-29T21:25:00.000+01:00

We saw the rainbows end while in Scotland, near to Aberfeldy. No leprechauns or pot of gold though!

Giggles

2007-09-28T22:39:00.001+01:00

Found this. It made me laugh!

Bring on a week of relaxation!

2007-09-28T11:31:00.000+01:00

Finally back home from bonnie Scotland, after what seems like an age of trials as Ali becomes increasingly defiant. This combined with the even more confined space of the MIL's flat and visiting multiple relatives just about topped off the last few weeks for me! 'Don't push me, I'm close to the edge' kind of feeling!

Of course the last you heard from me was the Thursday evening before we left on the Saturday about lunch time. The journey is about three and a half hours none stop, but with a toilet training 2 year old, a kitten, and MIL in tow, understandably, we weren't quite sure how long this particular journey would take. Now, as it turned out, it was like something from a comedy show. I mean, I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was very close to exiting the car and hitch hiking home by myself!

Not even a half hour North on the A68 and I was feeling decidedly travel sick because I was sitting in the back of the car with Ali. Drifting in and out of nauseous dosing, I was startled awake by D having to apply the brakes as some loony decided to turn right at last minute, and we very nearly went into the back of the car in front. Well negotiated by D, as I didn't fancy any accidents at this time! Of course the sudden stop had unsettled Dhu who proceeded to 'miaow miaow miaow' for about another half hour into the journey. I should probably mention we were only at the England/Scotland border at this point, so not far at all really, and at this point you also start to lose radio signal, for all stations. So, crackling radio, noisy kitten, now awake 2 year old singing any line from any song she can remember, sun streaming in on me through the window, stomach definitely unhappy, and MIL commentating the journey. Mmmhmm, not good is an understatement.

We managed to get a little further before Ali began her string of requests to use a 'toilet', and managed to find an appropriate place to allow her to, er, well, go. Plan was to stop at the tescos prior to the Forth Bridge, however, as you well know by now, my life does not often go to plan currently. Have a guess?? Correct, bloody roadworks! Not just any roadworks, a completely new road leading up to the Forth Bridge, and over an hours delay! So not only did this mean we could not access tescos for a toilet stop and lunch break, but we were bumper to bumper for over an hour in the stifling heat, and Ali was repeatedly asking for the loo. After several attempts to use the potty in the car, hoping that no police would pass by in the opposite direction, and the MIL laughing hysterically as Ali cottoned on that this was an ideal way to get out of her car seat; I settled the situation with a nappy and the promise of sweets at the first opportunity. So with my head virtually hanging out of the window because I was so nauseated and boiling to death, I probably inhaled more toxic fumes than when there was no smoking ban in place.

The following days I can depict into various battles with Ali, smiley happy visits to 'in law' relatives, and keeping my mouth shut despite my views on some of the things said and done by the MIL. Details would only bore you and I am sure you all experience similar problems anyhow.

Return journey home yesterday. This began with a more relaxed perspective from myself, because, of course, I knew we were heading home! I was teary to see how upset the MIL was, but we started on our way after a last call to relatives we had missed earlier in the week. The escapades began again when Ali decided she needed the toilet while we were on the motorway and were unable to stop - so seemingly was she. So following a 'palaver' to clean and line the seat adequately for the rest of the journey we continued on our way. Now we had been warned earlier by my Dad that there had been an accident on the A68, however we took our chances hoping it would be cleared by the time we reached this stretch of road. No such luck, as per usual. Still lucky if you consider it was not us in the accident, thoughts went out to those involved. Multiple stops to allow Ali to use the potty ensued, with no urine to be seen, and we were home slightly late for the new estate agent appointment. Poor guy was sat in his car hoping he wouldn't be late for his doctors appointment.

So, so, so. Today has been my organisational day to ensure I have plenty of relaxation days to follow. Shopping, washing, unpacking, phone calls, paper pushing, bill paying etc etc. I have even squeezed in a 1 mile swim because I was in shock when I stepped onto the scales earlier (must be all the comfort eating while away to console myself!) While tackling the aisles at tescos, nursing a throbbing head, I have to say I was comforted to see a woman who looked like she hated food shopping 100x more than I did, as she abandoned her trolley abruptly in the centre of each aisle and roughly through in various products with a distinct scowl on her face. Nice steak meal for tea, and I have tried many remedies to terminate the headache - only one left now. We all know what that is ladies!?!! Wonder if D will be up for the task?

Woohoo!

2007-09-20T22:15:00.000+01:00

ON MY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!! Woohoo! Two weeks of no hospital! The coordinator asked if I wanted to do overtime over the next few weeks as we weren't going away - I said, 'not a chance in hell' but thanks for asking. I am being moved to the antenatal/ postnatal ward after my hols, which will be so unbelievably dull, but on the positive side, perhaps a welcome change from the pressure and intensity of labour ward! Still, for now it's party party party!

Have already made plans to go out tomorrow night for drinks, with the girlie's. Will have to sneak in quietly as MIL still here. Mental note: this is not the time to be drinking so much I will throw up on return! Taking MIL home on Saturday, staying until Wednesday, and then home for some peace and quiet; and of course plenty of nod nod wink wink! How people can be celibate is beyond me.

The thought of one and a half weeks of nothing planned is just perfect bliss to me right now! I can eat, drink and be merry! Spend some time with D and Ali. Watch all my favourite shows. Hire movies. Go for walks without already being exhausted. Visit places we don't usually have time for. Hoorah! Cant wait!

Arrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2007-09-18T22:07:00.000+01:00

STOP the world I want to get off!!!!

What an unbelievably crap few weeks it has been. Yesterday just about topped every other shitty day combined together in my whole midwifery career so far. If it hadnt been for the fantastic support of my coordinators at the time I would not have got through the day! Obviously I cannot go into detail for confidentiality reasons but it was bad bad bad by anyones standards in the midwifery world. Not bad - death - bad, but about as shitty as you can get before that!

Today was unbelievably busy but not anyway near by comparison to yesterday. The last few weeks though, god, the multi-discplinery team have started avoiding me like the plague because they think I am cursed. If they get called to something going wrong they know before they get there that I will be the assigned midwife, and the first thing they say is something along the lines of 'might of known it would be you'. I am attracting disaster from everywhere possible; a disaster magnet.

Think holidays, holidays holidays holidays! 48 hours to go and counting down!

Routine evening blab

2007-09-15T22:03:00.000+01:00

Four shifts left until my two weeks holidays, and counting down! Sooooooo ready for them like I have never felt before. I will have worked since February the 6th without a holiday, that's over 7 months! Was trying to get some kind of late deal just to say we were going somewhere but is now a bit late to get Ali a passport, and to be honest the thought of trying to manage Ali in an airport, on a plane and at a resort of any kind, so far from home, for longer than a day, fills me with dread! Now Ali is usually pretty well behaved but is very exhaustive in any new situation, this combined with a busy airport, confined plane space and unfamiliar resort will be enough to drive me demented! Great, I have just talked myself out of it, that saves me a lot of time and bother!

Me and D are currently having an argument about whether or not to take the new kitten to the MIL's house (well one bed-roomed flat that is smaller than our house!), when we take her home. I bet you have already guessed that I am the one 'suggesting strongly' that we don't take him, given that it is usually enough trying to manage Ali in unfamiliar territory, and he is as fast as lighting so it will be a nightmare trying to keep him indoors. Also the car journey is about three to four hours long - could you imagine the bloody car journey. Stinking of cat shit and miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow, shut up! But I think I am losing this argument as I was the one who convinced him to get the kitten, so have compromised by saying that he has to manage the shit, feeding, maintaining and petting while we are away, solely on his own, as I will not partake in it when there are very willing neighbours here who would love to look after him! Problem solved.

Best friend Ali in France, if you're reading this, I had a photo of us that snowy New Years Eve in Newcastle, in my handbag amongst some of Ali (daughter) which my colleagues wanted to see, and the general consensus was that you looked like Kate Moss! How exciting. So there you go. Kate Moss strutting on the catwalk rather than Kate Moss collapsed on the boardwalk I would imagine! This is so bad, keeping in touch through a blog - a long 'blah' on the phone is definitely called for.

Sadly I cant find a picture to capture the hilarity, or a green sixties style pattern to help you visualise the sheer cringe-worthiness

2007-09-12T20:51:00.001+01:00

I have just pulled off the quickest ever 'tidy' of the house on record, ready for a couple of viewings we have lined up tomorrow; as Ali's bedtime was suddenly upon us and D was busy cutting the grass and tidying the three metre square garden! Small but perfectly formed I hasten to add! No really, D thinks the grass is a jungle when I think actually it is starting to look green as opposed to yellow for a change. I have to say, a large proportion of 'stuff' ended up in the wardrobes and cupboards on this occasion due to lack of time. Who am I kidding, that always happens. Of course there is now a mound of belongings precariously piled up on what used to be our bed, due to the need to vacate the loft, ever so gorgeously draped by a sixties style print throw, which probably did originate in the sixties, to try and mask all the rubbish we hoard as a family. Half way through 'My bonnie lies over the ocean' while putting Ali to bed tonight (it takes both of us now to actually get her into bed), trying to maintain something resembling 'in tune' between us, it strikes me again how crazy this whole set up is. The MIL arrives Friday and not only do we not have anything other than the sofa to offer her to sleep on while she comes to take care of her grand-daughter for us, but I have now used her bed covers (the sixties print throw) to camouflage our crap! Give me strength.

2007-09-11T21:52:00.000+01:00

One day left of my few days off work. Damn. However I have two weeks holiday from the 22nd which I am awaiting with great anticipation! Three glasses of wine and two spirits and mixers have numbed my brain sufficiently that it will soon switch off and they will sway me into a deep sleep of weird unexplainable dreams. I have no reason to get up tomorrow, hoorah, so I am praying Ali will manage to sleep in for a while. This week has been a struggle and I have not had any spare time to spend blogging as I would have liked to, and at the moment I am enjoying the next few days before the MIL visits to help with childcare. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful, but those of you who are regular visitors will already know that there is 'little room at the inn' in this tiny house. So we are all camping out in the lounge together! Fun! Few more drinks in order I think. Slange!

Quote for today

2007-09-10T22:32:00.000+01:00

Love is .... difficult to find, easy to lose, .... and hard to forget.

Hectic week!

2007-09-06T22:11:00.000+01:00

Well it has been a week of babies absolutely shooting out at me after unbelievably quick progress in labour, and being called as a second or third midwife to deliveries (involves possible resuscitation of babies and a lot of running about for things quickly), which have needed urgency. My adrenaline has been going like the clappers so often I wouldn't be surprised if my own blood pressure was through the roof. It is still very scary but I do feel so much better for the experience that I am getting, if a little exhausted by it all. There was one woman who had a long drawn out induction of labour but remained in very good spirits throughout, and was verbally thankful for everything which was done for her; who restored my faith in the positives of midwifery care. And of course there were a couple of younger girls who cracked on really quickly and surprised me in the way they handled everything. My mind is mulling over the issue of 'cultural differences' again for different reasons, which seems to crop up repeatedly ion my own personal reflection of aspects of my career. I will try to share them if I ever become any clearer. So other than the near car crash this week has been hectic but quite positive overall. And of course it is not finished yet as I am working Saturday and Sunday night shifts!

Still Alive!

2007-09-04T22:02:00.000+01:00

Having successfully endured the day from hell (or heaven if you consider that I am still intact) I am about to fall onto the mattress on the floor we call a bed, and drift away into peaceful slumber, dreaming of my perfect wedding, perfect house, and a well behaved daughter!

I eventually got to work this morning having been run off the road by a guy who did not look properly before he pulled out from a junction, causing my heart to stop as I swerved to miss him and a man on a bicycle on the other side of the road. In a bit of a state I managed to pull myself together without trying to find a stiff drink to numb the shock, only to begin a day of rubbish cases, one in particular which was very difficult; and my day was completed by an extremely quick delivery which had my heart racing again.

So, leaving work half an hour late ringing my childminder as I half power-walked, half stumbled out of the hospital, I arrive at my car only to find I have left the lights on and my battery is dead. No shit, I should have guessed. I'm told the AA will be 50minutes so arrange for D to pick up Ali instead, but they were very good and I was rescued pretty quickly I have to say.

Driving home like an OAP I'm thinking nothing else could possibly go wrong - how unbelievably wrong could I be. First of all the car in front of me hit a pheasant which almost flew into my window; then I realise I am extremely low on petrol, red light tempted to flash at me kind of low, but I cant stop at the very close petrol station because the AA man instructed me to drive for 30minutes first to ensure the battery was re-charged adequately. So, already driving like an OAP, I am now crawling like a snail to the next garage 30minutes away to ensure I don't need to call the AA again, because that would be wholly embarrassing!

Home, I think I'm safe. Noooooooo. My gorgeous daughter is acting like the child of Satan again, is incredibly over tired, needs bathing and putting to bed quickly; my computer wont work because we changed our phone company and the previous company had cut off our broadband, and the new company had left a message saying contact the old company to get a 'migration' code and then contact the new company again to tell them the migration code so they can restart it! Yeah exactly - what!? Like my brain can process that kind of information after this kind of a day.

Finally back on I throw myself straight into wedding research again! Relax, relax, relax and enjoy!

Cullercoats Bay

2007-09-02T18:42:00.000+01:00

We've had a busy 'real family time' weekend this weekend, well me and Ali anyway. We spent the day at the park and soft play on Saturday, and then we have been at the beach with my Dad today, at the bay where we visited while I was at first school oh so many many years ago. Its called Cullercoats Bay, near to Tynemouth. It is a crescent shaped bay with some cliffs and caves to back of it. (See photo). Alina loved it and I reverted back to my childhood and built a big sandcastle while Ali collected shells with her grandad to decorate it! I was so chuffed with it I even took a picture. (See other photo). Very tired now, and have so much to do, which I am again delaying in favour of writing this post. Being addicted to bloging is definately therapeutic but I am not getting anything done!

'Eurovision Dance Contest'

2007-09-01T23:11:00.000+01:00

Well tonight I should have started ironing the ever increasing pile of ironing awaiting in the utility, however I chose to collapse on the sofa in front of the first ever Eurovision Dance Contest, and believe me I am so glad I did! I had originally decided to watch it because I love all these dance shows on TV, the dancers are always so amazing, and I get so jealous because the girls all look so good and I would have loved to be able to dance like they do; however, I was in absolute hysterics at the very apt commentary by Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli (probably spelt wrong). I found myself in tears from laughing at some of their comments, so Terry Wogan watch out, you have competition! And of course Graham Norton and Claudia Winkleman were and genius selection by the producers - the looks on Grahams face while the spokes people for each country were giving their votes, very comical indeed. Commiserations to Switzerland who scored 'nil point', and congratulations to Ireland who came third! Of course we have come to expect that in such competitions we always come close to bottom of the table these days, and tonight was no different. We hardly saw Brendan and Camilla though, so we will never know if Brendan stormed off in a huff or not!? Very cheesy but thoroughly enjoyable, may it long continue into the years to come!

No more cake!

2007-08-30T18:00:00.000+01:00

D seems to be coming round to my wedding suggestions today, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he is in a good mood because he is watching the sport choices on TV for the next football competition! Mental note to self, always ask questions about the wedding during TV sport! No seriously, finally we are trying to come to some kind of compromise and are thinking about setting a date. It seems D has worries with regards to his guests as a lot of his family and friends live in New Zealand and may well not come, so he is finding it difficult to decide who to invite etc. I told him to just invite everyone, then of course if they cant or don't want to come then that is their choice, he has family and friends here too who will! Anyway, good progress since my last post! Better start saving now though, found the absolute perfect dress, but it happens to be 3x what I had said would be the maximum I would spend on a wedding dress! I don't think I can justify spending that much on a dress when we have a low budget anyway, so I will be scouring for something similar or even someone who can make one like it for me! So the diet starts as of now, this will be the real test, because if I cant lose weight for my own wedding then I guess I never will! Cake, puddings, chocolate - JUST SAY NO!

Nose job, me?, no.......

2007-08-30T13:17:00.000+01:00

Progress?

2007-08-30T13:13:00.000+01:00

We never thought in a million years that either one of the cats would use the new basket at all, let alone both of them at the same time! Maybe this is progress!?

Reaction

2007-08-27T22:59:00.001+01:00

D has just seen the last post I published, cringed in a despairing way and laughed to himself as he ascended the stairs - oh dear!

Another whiskey darling?

Obsession

2007-08-27T22:09:00.000+01:00

I am in the process of trying to convince D that we should start planning our wedding, which of course isn't going so well as he really just wants to elope somewhere hot and do it on our own! Inevitably the more I think about it the more I want 'the works'! Well I don't want to spend a fortune because, yeah, I guess I agree a little in that it can be a bit of a waste of money if you go overboard, but I do want some of the things every woman dreams of from being a young girl - the dress, the flowers, the bridesmaids, picturesque venue, family and friends gathered together. We need to think about saving either way anyway so I would like to set a date, but alas D does not think this is a good idea, so it may come to pass that we never get married at this rate!

It would seem I have become a bit obsessed with wedding plans over the last week or so, (probably due to being confined to the house with a chicken pox infected child), and I feel I may have reached the line which will send D running for the hills. Certainly I am getting a lot of sighs and abrupt answers to questions, and of course unfortunately I have not received a definite yes to the whole event planning or date setting. However despite this I am researching on in my own little fantasy world of 'wedding' for my own personal amusement and to work out some kind of budget for the basics. I think probably all women underestimate how much the whole event may cost as to them no price is too much for their dream day and choices they make!

However in reality, during my research, I am discovering that some things are definitely more expensive than I thought! Take the wedding rings for example - for a plain platinum, d-shaped (now that's a whole other issue), mirrored finish (as is this), 2mm women's wedding band the cheapest from a jewellery store = £325. Should one wish to purchase over the Internet £209, but then who would? And of course its not that simple would you believe. There's D shape, court shaped, concave, flat, rounded, any mixture of the above; and then there's the mirror, matt, pure matt, something else and something else finishes to choose from, I mean, please, really, if the rings are this complicated how does one even begin to tackles such issues as the venue, dress, photographer, colours, themes, materials, decoration etc etc. And that's just one ring, what about the grooms? Well D would of course argue he doesn't need one as he has already stated his case against wedding bands, however this was met with a 'this is final' reply something along the lines of, 'if I am wearing one for the whole world to see I'm taken, so are you!' So the grooms ring is always a little wider, meaning the cheapest are about £500-600, so that's nearly £1000 on just the rings! Oh my lord this is going to be harder than I thought. A classy wedding on a real budget, how does one achieve this? If anyone has any good ideas or contacts please please enlighten me!

So I have chosen the colours and sort of theme; I have ideas about the kind of style dress I want for myself and bridesmaids (three including Alina), but of course at least a year at a slimming club is required before I can even contemplate trying any on; i know i just want close family and friends at the ceremony and then straight onto reception with a buffet supper for everyone; I have a short list of first dance songs; and I have started writing my own vows - not bad for a weeks work! So all I have to do now is wear D down and convince him all this is a great idea! Wish me luck!

True

2007-08-26T14:51:00.000+01:00

' Life moves pretty fast, so if you dont stop to look around once in a while, you might miss it! '

Love and hate!

2007-08-26T13:46:00.000+01:00

We are having a rollercoaster of a week this week with regards to Ali. Other than the 5 spots that she had a few days ago you would never know to look at her that she had had chicken pox, but her behaviour - well 'trying' is a bit of an understatement. Of course I cant be sure that it is because she has been ill, it could just be her age, be we have fought and fought all week, and she has been like Jeckel + Hyde! She wont let D do anything for her or with her and has been quite clingy with me. We have had a lot of undecisiveness and tantrums when she doesnt get her own way, and of course screaming and crying excessively when she is upset, over stupid things. When she throws a wobbler it can be very distressing to watch actually, she just goes mental, and winds herself up until she cant breath properly, like she is so full of hate for everything and everyone. But then occassionally there have been really lovely 'bonding' moments, and you wouldnt know she was the same person. Like this morning we both had a shower and having just had a massive tantrum because I had pulled the cord to make the water hot, she quietened down and just cuddled into me the whole time we were in the shower, nearly falling asleep on my shoulder at one point. It is so strange how she can go from one extreme to the other so quickly, its like her emotions are on edge the whole time. I can only attribute the extreme behaviour to her being ill as she is sleeping through at night therefore being so tired can only be due to her physically trying to fight off the chicken pox. Parenting is becoming harder all the time!

'Celebrating woman' picture!

2007-08-23T17:55:00.000+01:00

In celebration of my 'womanhood' I have spent another small fortune, on yet another piece of art that I dont need, but just loved! It's so gorgeous, and totally spoke to my heart. So I told myself life is too short and just bought it! I think D dispairs of me!

Misleading photos + explanation!

2007-08-22T21:24:00.000+01:00

The unbelievable discovery turned out to be pretty believable. I thought I had discovered an element to D's 'sexuality' that I did not know about. I found these misleading photos, courtesy of my genius daughter, on my digital camera while I was writing my last post, and well I was flabbergasted! Now you have to understand that D is a pretty traditional guy when it comes to intimacy so experimentation with a camera - well lets say it was unexpected! However on confronting him it appears that it was actually my daughter Ali who has been experimental with the camera, and has captured some very cleverly misleading images! See what you think - they shocked me anyway! (They are actually 1. D kneeling trying to persuade Ali to put the camera down, 2. D's hairy chest and bed covers, 3. D's hand in front of the view finder!) Incidently I now have no time for any of the things I had planned to do this evening! Damn!

Waffle

2007-08-22T20:40:00.000+01:00

It's wednesday evening, the last of my days off before rejoining the rat race, and I am making every minute count. I have a glass of port and lemonade (predominantly port!), I have put the ironing and preparation for tomorrow to one side, temporarily, (I like to think I dont hide from my responsibilities!), and I am pondering over three options which I yet have time for. A bath, continue my book - suddenly Im reading again, or listen to my new Mika CD. Of course I could combine a bath with either of the others and risk a broken discman or soggy paperback. But then there is the age old argument - do I actually want to have a bath, because I love being in the bath, and then when Im out after a while, but I hate the bit in between where Im damp, with a stiff neck and feeling faint because I made the water scalding hot. Thinking about tomorrow I am already cringing about what it may be like when I get into work, descending from a whole family of worriers I cannot prevent this feeling; and of course Im wondering how fast my heart will be beating until the clock strikes 1530hrs and I can leg it out of the building! All being well! Will I get on with my clients, will there be any emergencies, will I be on the ball, will I get through the day alive........obviously Im joking! No seriously, I still find it nerve racking but each day does get easier. I learn new things every day, I get to meet masses of new people, and I am in the priveledged position of being with them at the birth of their offspring - this of course is reason I keep going! Thursdays are not my lucky day however, it's like 'clean up' day, 'try to fit everything in before friday and the weekend because there wont be as many staff'day, 'not quite the weekend' day, 'it doesnt really matter because your on night shift friday night anyway' day. Of course I have nothing against thursdays in general, when Im not at work. D is watching the match as usual. Luckily for him I havent even considered arguing for control of the tv tonight. Oh my god I have just made a seriously unbelievable discovery so I have to cease the waffle now, Im sure you're pleased!

Potent quote

2007-08-22T20:18:00.000+01:00

'Our emotions, they say, guide us in facing predicaments and tasks too important to leave to intellect alone'

D. Goleman, Emotional Intelligence

Great Song, hilarious live performance!

2007-08-22T17:10:00.000+01:00

This video of The Scissor Sisters live at The Brits 2007 is so funny, it reminds me of all those knights armer legs that came to life in 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks'! Kings of Leon - 'Fans' is also worth a listen as this is a great song too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Gmoxhq4NiM

Celebrating 'Woman'

2007-08-20T21:18:00.000+01:00

Currently I seem to be in a period of my life where I am just starting to love myself, and being a woman. I feel I have encountered a wealth of personal growth in the last few years which has led me to this new phase of self discovery, self worth and self respect, instead of self loathing. This has a lot to do with aging in general, but is also linked with entering into a serious relationship with someone older than me, and becoming a mother.

At first I was battling with myself because I was fighting to rescue my youth. I have never felt like I particularly 'lived' my youth and young adulthood years to the full, and began to resent this when it became to late to try. Instead I am learning to embrace my life at this moment in time so that 10 years down the line I don't feel the same about my 20's.

A large part of this can be attributed to self acceptance, as I am because that is just me, and I am a good person. If something needs changing in my life then its up to me to identify and act upon it, but that does not mean that it cannot be accepted as it is until that time comes. But it also begs the question - why are we so self critical? We set such high standards for ourselves and can lose the enjoyment from life, aiming straight for what is out of reach and thinking we have failed, rather than comfortably working towards it.

I have called my blog 'mother, wife, midwife' because those were/are the main fields of my life, the key areas which I compare, day in day out, for many reasons. In fact it should have been called 'mother, wife, midwife - woman', because woman alludes to the 'real' me, (I hate that word), the me that can just be me, without being defined as part of a couple or as a parent. And I have only really just started to discover myself as 'woman' because I never gave this part of my identity a chance to develop and blossom. I hate the word 'real' because I have never considered myself as being fake but I do think that subconsciously we hide aspects of ourselves and our personality without knowing it. It seems one begins to learn to accept oneself from all perspectives.

As a mother I am attempting to be a good parent, to care & provide for, nourise and love my daughter, but as a woman I should be celebrating nature and the ability to reproduce and rear, and feel wonderful about that on a natural, and basic level. Being almost a 'wife' I try to support, comfort and cohabit with my partner in a loving relationship, but as a woman I should be exploring passion, sexuality, tenderness and a deeper intimacy or bond. And of course finally as a midwife I work to care for, represent and be there for women during an intense and sometimes stressful, but unique time of there life during childbirth/childbearing; however as a woman I need to empathise with, empower and promote control for women when they could potentially feel very vulnerable.

Being true to 'woman' is the exciting, gratifying, rewarding and 'real' part of life that I have been missing out on! So I am celebrating woman.

Rampant Rabbit!

2007-08-20T18:46:00.000+01:00

Driving home this evening I thought my 'ears' were deceiving me when I heard on the radio news report that a guy had held up a shop owner with a 'rampant rabbit' vibrator hidden in a plastic bag! I was hysterical, the funniest thing I had heard in ages. I mean it adds a whole new perspective to 'stick em up' really doesnt it!

Chicken pox!

2007-08-20T18:08:00.000+01:00

Ali has chicken pox! It was inevitable really when all but her and another of the childminders kids had already had it. It's best they have it when they are young anyway so they say. She only has a few spots at present so it may just be starting. We were isolated at the doctors surgery, away from the toys, which wasnt helpful for the 40mins we had to wait. I think I got through several verses of '5 little speckled frogs', 'heads shoulders knees and toes', '10 green bottles' and '10 fat sausages sizzling in a pan' before we were called in! Not to worry, she seems in good spirits and I have all the lotions and potions incase they get worse!

Face-off!

2007-08-18T12:34:00.000+01:00

One of many 'face-off's' between Dhu and Tommy! Actually, Dhu tends to win, he's too interested, so just sits there until Tommy gets bored and waltzes off! There's still a lot of hissing but generally we are making progress! They can stand to be in the same room as each other now anyway!

Another example from the book that may never be. (Written before I was employed)

2007-08-15T21:23:00.000+01:00

Introduction

Let me set the scene for you a little. I am lying in bed listening to D place pans and towels along the window-sill to catch the streams of water coming in through the window surround, from the torrential downpour outside. Moaning I turn to burrow myself in the duvet and wonder to myself how the hell I managed to get here. Despite the fact D has not seen me in my underwear, in full light, in over two years, I decide I desperately need the toilet (the bladder’s not so hot anymore!) and dash upstairs in the hope that he is too busy and too angry to notice me. This was not the wisest move however as the house, of course, as it always is, is absolutely freezing cold. I am now so cold I couldn’t possibly pee and end up sat there for ages trying to relax and encourage it while planning my return to the ‘mattress on the floor’ we call a bed, without D noticing me again. Eventually the deed is done and just in time too as I can no longer feel my extremities. Peering over the banister I see he is back in bed, so I make my return quickly and painlessly to join him, noticing it’s about 4.10am on the way. At least it’s slightly warmer under the ‘double’ duvet I created and I listen to the background noise of the dripping, baby intercom, cat snoring and rain thudding against the window until I either need to pee again or finally fall asleep.

“MAMMY, MAMMY, MAMMY, MAMMY……..” Oh that’s my alarm clock, so I calculate I have about 10 more repetitions before I do actually have to get up and go to retrieve my daughter Alina from the one and only bedroom of the house she is inhabiting, to join us on the mattress on the floor. Once there a battle of weighted odds ensues as both myself and D try to continue to sleep while Alina drinks (spills) her milk and bounces about all over us, shoving books and toys in our faces, chanting “up, up, up” until we finally give in. Let me just clarify the time again at this point, it is 6.40am. As I let out an enormous sigh I cringe at the thought of yet another day of having all the things I do undone, being clambered all over, repeatedly tidying away the multitude of toys and household objects Alina moves about, and reading almost every book she owns with actions and noises; a string of events which are usually collectively topped-off with a screaming fit so bad she struggles to breath, as we try to put her pyjamas on ready for bed again in the evening.

In the counselling course which I am currently taking two analogies have been used to describe the way in which people deal with their lives. These are the spinning plates and the kites, and the idea is somehow learning to use the kites instead of the plates. The spinning plates is basically a way of describing the fact that some people have lots of different areas of their life like spinning plates, and they live trying to keep them all up and spinning, so it is a bit frantic and chaotic; where as the different areas of our lives can be like kites and we can gently pull each area down in turn to deal with it individually and calmly without worrying about everything coming crashing down around you. The first is definitely most applicable to my life at present (I am sure a lot of you will feel in a similar position), but I am working on the kites! And to be honest I reckon that if I did somehow master the kites they would either, tangle up, blow away or come plummeting to earth just as the plates do!

At only 23 a number of key life changing events have already taken place for me, so I think it is only understandable that I feel somewhat swamped by them all. Of course the main experience was that of having a child of my own, which in itself instigates a wealth of emotions that continue to be a constant battle on a daily basis. Suddenly this little person has to become the centre of your world and everything else has to orbit around her, and if something disturbs the balance it all comes crashing down, (or at least it becomes a bumpy ride!) Now I love my daughter, don’t get me wrong, but the two of us spending every moment of every day together is doing neither of us any good. My mother said to me one day recently, ‘it’s because you have a brain Jen, you need to use it’, and I think she is right. At first I thought I had delivered my brain with the placenta when Ali was born, but monotony and mental in-activity was more likely the source of its dormancy and confusion.

The second major aspect of my life is of course my partner D, who is 25 years my senior and a very traditional guy indeed. I do love him to pieces (just incase he’s reading this!), no really I do, but the age gap is rearing its ugly head more so each day and bringing a whole host of new and challenging ‘features’ to our relationship. I know of course that I am so unbelievably lucky because I could not want for a better man in terms of trust, support and sincerity, but, and there always seems to be a but, how shall I put it, we are encountering new issues along the way!

And finally there is the third part of my life, which happens to be a bit of a none -starter at present, which is my career as a midwife. The most important thing to know at the moment is that I forced myself to complete my training (degree) while being a mother to a young baby as I desperately did not want to be a housewife with a numb brain; only to find that the British Health Service has screwed up its finances more than I could ever manage to accomplish (and that is saying something); so much so that although desperately short of midwives it cannot afford to employ them! Bitter is an understatement.

Plea to doctors!

2007-08-15T14:31:00.000+01:00

(Sung to the tune 'Achy Breaky Heart' by Billy Ray Cyrus)

Doctors stay away, we've no need for you today
We love you but can manage on our own
We will inform you when we can, or if things dont go to plan
But please respect the fact the midwives role has grown

Why is it today, there can be no small delay
Why is there a time limit to birth?
If mum and babe are fine, can't we have some extra time
So mum knows she's done her best for what its worth

Chorus 1:
Dont intervene, try not to be so keen
To send these women to the theatre bed
Cause if you intervene, you may just set the scene
For a lift out through the sunroof now instead

When certain things go down, we know we may need you around
We wont hesitiate to bleep you at this time
But what starts as ARM, can cascade to 'knife to skin'
And in our eyes this constitutes a crime

To conclude I'd like to say, that we'd like to have our way
And to reinforce we dont want you to leave
As sometimes there's a need, for baby's exit to have speed
But the rest in moderation if you please!

Chorus 2:
Dont intervene, try not to be so keen
To send these woman to the theatre bed
Just think about its place, and you'll reduce the section rate
And restore our faith in care midwifery led!

'Oooo'

Chorus 1

'Oooo'

Chorus 2

The question of all questions

2007-08-14T21:48:00.000+01:00

Sex or chocolate?

This was the question causing some debate at work last week, as everyone was tucking into yet another box of chocolates left by a grateful mother. One of the students prompted the discussion as she had decided she would 'rather have chocolate than sex any day', to which her mentor replied, 'well evidently you aint getting it right hunny.' I said,

- why not both?

So if you had to decide, which would you choose?

Shopping

2007-08-14T19:52:00.000+01:00

It would seem that in my quest to lose the weight I put on while pregnant with Ali, I have replaced food with shopping, which could have disastrous consequences for my bank balance! This is the list so far:
Countless sets of lingerie to try and make myself feel gorgeous
3 tops of the 'empire line' variety (fitted under one's clevage creating a drop to hide the post-baby tummy!)
2 pairs of black wide legs trousers - although they were one size smaller
A painting - an expensive one!
A swimming costume
An infinite number of garments for my daughter
A string of chinese lanterns (these were on offer though!)
3 laterns for the garden I dont have
A white jacket, in an attempt to abolish the black
A little black dress, because apparantly every girl needs one
Two pairs of earings
A kitten! Cute as!
And serveral pots and plants to put in the garden

Pretty good start dont you think! Should be thin and bankrupt in no time!

Dhu!

2007-08-11T18:54:00.000+01:00

If life wasnt hectic enough, we have added to the chaos by getting a kitten! He is called Dhu (pronounced - 'do' with a silent 'h') which is gaelic for black, because he has black stripes across his back. Tommy is not too taken with him at present but we are hoping she will warm to him!

We are giving them both lots of attention to show there is no need for competition, and also to Alina who looks a little dismayed everytime we are with them!

Will keep you posted as to our progress! (At least he is toilet trained!)

Great White!

2007-08-09T21:55:00.000+01:00

Apparantly some guy from Newquay has lied about spying a great white shark off our shores down in the region. He used a photo of a great white that he recently took while holidaying in South Africa to convince newspapers that this was evidence of his siting; which evidently was printed and caused some hysteria. Of course there were others who knew him well and saw the joke for what it was.

Now, is it just me being boring, or, well, really -get a life!

Drugs

2007-08-08T21:12:00.000+01:00

Food:it gives you a rush that is short lasting but comforting
Wine: it numbs the brain and your eyes become heavy and fuzzy
Conversation: the daily drug, the maintenance drug
Nicotine: disgusting to taste and smell but highly addictive and popular
Opiate: whether as pain-relief or recreation your mind leaves your body temporarily
Love: can reign over other feelings and undermine the head, at times easily the strongest
Music: you can get carried away by it, your whole body goes with it
Water: the drug of life
Pain: the drug that reminds you you're alive
Lust: messes with love, can also be powerful at times and sway the head
Sex: passionate or when a connection is made, is physically overwhelming
Life: can have you high or low, or both, repeatedly and/or respectively

What is life if you don't live it?

2007-08-08T13:40:00.000+01:00

At the moment I seem to be in a rather statically 'deep' and reflective mood. My mind is getting so tangled thinking about all the different aspects of my life, fighting with myself over decisions made, and those still to make. While in the mean time I just try to keep going, getting through each day, working, managing my daughter and trying to hold my relationship and household together. But I heard the line 'What is life if you dont live it?' in a film the other day, and I thought, we really are not living our lives. We are so much more fortunate than many people and we are taking this for granted. Even though I know this and I really try to pick myself up and keep going, and enjoy myself, I cannot seem to get myself out of this 'tug of war' with my emotions. Anyone any advice?

Childbirth

2007-08-05T21:36:00.000+01:00

I have been pondering over this topic for a while now, because of course I deal with childbirth on a daily basis, and it is human nature to be comparative to ones own experience when discussing such issues. Of course my role as a midwife requires that I remain objective and dont compare personal experience to professional practice, but that does not mean I cant think and write about my experience in the context of professional practice.

As I was training to be a midwife I often wondered whether it would be easier to encourage a woman and support her through her pain when I had children of my own. Certainly women aways asked me whether I had children and looked a little dismayed when I said no. It seems important to many women to know this information. They want to know that you really know what they are going through. Although this is usually early on in labour when thay are still conversing with you! I have to say as soon as I began contracting frequently I couldnt have cared less whether my midwife had 0 or 20 children as long she got me the sedatives I wanted!

My training had taught me that first baby's take an average of 12 hours labour before they make an appearance, so I had spent the last few weeks of pregnancy psyching myself up for the event, trying to get myself into the right mind-set to cope with the labour and avoid all the 'crap' that I knew all too well. I didnt want any of this clarty, massaging, aromatherapy, natural, happy-clappy, stuff - I new that it was either gas and air and cope with that or .....sedatives! And I have to be honest the latter was very appealing!

Of course nothing can actually prepare you for the intensity of the pain that you experience in labour, but on the morning of Ali's birth I experienced no 'period like' crampy pains that usually pre-empt contractions, no show, no waters breaking, nothing majorly different - I just woke up, spent nearly half an hour on the toilet emptying the entire contents of my digestive system, and then - bam! 0750am and my contractions started regularly, bloody strong and very frequent! There was no build up, no warning signs and all the mental preparation I had done may as well have gone out the window! One virtually on top of the next I had little time to take stock.

On ringing for advice I was told the standard spiel - two paracetamol and have a bath - and I could have thrown the phone across the room, as if two paracetamol were going to even touch the pain - so I decided in my infinite wisdom to have a shower! I was adamant that just because I was pregnant and in labour, was not going to mean my basic hygiene was not maintained! Of course I lasted about 2 minutes in the shower, at which point D started telling me this was ridiculous and that we should just go into hospital and get checked out. So ensued a slightly panicked check of the bags, me throwing some clothes on and ensuring there was a towel on the new Alfa Romeo before I got in!

The worst part was the car journey to the hospital. 25mins (well 20 at high speed), trapped in the car seat, unable to move about and 'rock' the pain away. I have never been so happy to see A & E in all my life; certainly now it only means I have arrived at work! Admitted to maternity and a quick examination to determine whether my cervix was actually dilated, or that I was a total wuss and was going to need an epidural; and I was promptly taken to a room and given the gas and air as I was already 6cm dilated. Thank the lord! (He's not gona help you now hunny - Thats what one of my collegues would have said!) It was when I was given the gas and air that I began to regain control. Up until then I was completely panick stricken. Now I could concentrate. I focused soley on my breathing. It's good stuff believe you me!

Now there came a point when the pain intensified and it became just a bit too much, and I chose to have a sedative. At the time I thought it was warranted as I could have had to keep going for over 4 hours to get to fully dilated, and I couldnt bare the pain any longer. In retrospect, I wish I hadnt. Initially I had asked for diamorphine but there was a national shortage and the hospital only had Pethindine, which is worse for the baby as it crosses the placenta and sedates them as well. I just said that was fine because I really needed something. However I always wonder if it was the Pethidine which set the scene for the events that started to unfold.

It had been somewhere between 9 and 10am when we arrived at the hospital, and by 12noon I was pushing. The midwife broke my waters for me at this point and it was evident that Ali had become quite distressed by the speed of this labour as she had pooed a lot in the waters. Now I dont recall a lot around this time as the Pethidine had me virtually knocked out, but I did hear loud and clear Ali's heart rate plumet down way too low, and it did not return to normal rate. D reliably informs me that the room started to look a bit like a scene from ER as it started to fill up with people. Midwives, doctors, paediatricians, and of course a wealth of equipment. Decision was to suck her out! Perform a ventouse - where they attach a suction cup on the baby's head to pull it out while you push.

From this point I only remember a few things. I heard the doctor say, 'im going to have to cut you to make some more room for the baby coming out', I said, 'do you have to', he said, 'yes'. Then there came a point where I heard him say 'right you really have to push because this baby needs to come out now!' It was the way he said it and I pushed for her life.

Shitting a melon is a total understatement!

When she was out she was whipped away to the resuscitaire to 'suction' out any meconium (poo) which may be in the process of being swallowed or inhaled, and I believe she may have been given some oxygen to bring her round a bit, but I think she was ok pretty much straight away. Again I was doped up with the Pethidine so still not quite with it at this time! I dont know how anyone can do drugs because it was such an awful feeling to be out of control like that and drifting in and out of consciousness. Maybe that's the very reason they do do it?!

I always hate to admit the next part of my tale, as I feel very guilty about it. The thing is as midwives we tell women that all the pain and exhaustion will be worth it when they see their baby and hold their baby for the first time - but when they passed Alina to me I didnt feel an immediate bond or love for her. I felt protective because I knew she was mine, but no bond, and this really upset me! I wanted to feel this overwhelming love like no other that every mother I knew spoke about, but I didnt and I looked at her and passed her to D while the midwife and doctor sorted me out.

Later I spent the evening playing 'happy new mother' as my family visited and while D was there, but when the evening came and I was stuck in that hospital with no-one, and the midwives busy, I kept staring at her willing myself to feel this undeniably strong bond. When I look back now I think Alina knew I felt this way because she would not let me put her down all night. She cried and screamed every time I tried to put her in the cot, and so the night consisted of holding her and breastfeeding her. As did the next 8 months! No bloody wonder I looked like death!

I have the breastfeeding to thank for eventually bonding with my daughter, and if women seriously dont want to breastfeed I discuss skin to skin contact with them, as this also plays a big part and can be done with the baby's father too. I persisted with the breastfeeding, despite my own midwife suggesting I top her up with a bottle!, and despite a lot of pressure from various sources to give up. This was my saving grace, the one thing that only I could do for her! And over time as we did this, my heart began to melt for her.

Luxury Chocolates

2007-08-04T16:48:00.000+01:00

I was just trying to research luxury chocolates online, possibly for delivery for a special occassion, when I was blown away by the price of the most expensive chocolate in the world! A mere $250 for one chocolate!

'Fritz Knipschildt is the architect behind the most expensive chocolate in the world and is sometimes called the Willy Wonka of Connecticut. He founded Knipschildt Chocolatier in South Norwalk, Connecticut in 1999 and brought his Danish culinary training with him. All of his chocolates are handmade artisan products using only the freshest natural ingredients, with no additives or preservatives. He sells a chocolate called the Madeleine that must be ordered in advance. The Madeleine contains a creamy truffle ganache made from French Valrhona chocolate blended with fresh cream infused with vanilla pods and pure Italian truffle oil.' (As above)

'This extravagant yet simple ganache then has a French Perigold truffle rolled inside of it and the whole thing is dusted with cocoa powder. The ingredients alone don’t explain why this truffle chocolate is the world’s most expensive chocolate ever sold. Mr. Knipschildt’s explanation for the price tag is the tremendous amount of work that goes into producing these chocolates. The ganache is whipped and folded by hand for a long time to make it as silky as humanly possible, and he even has to perform the hand rolling of the Perigold truffle inside of the ganache within a refrigerated room so that the ganache hardens ever so slightly enough to be workable. Each one of these luscious truffle chocolates has a price tag of $250, making the confection cost approximately $2,600 per pound in quantity.'

Book exerpt! (Finding out I was pregnant with Ali)

2007-08-04T15:35:00.000+01:00

Chapter 7: Alarm Bells

Clear Blue

When I dreamed about having a family during my younger years it was more of a romantic, idealistic picture of how it would all happen. I would find the perfect man, set up home, get married and plan a few children to fit in with the career I would have already built for myself. So you can imagine my frustration and sheer shock when I saw the blue lines of the pregnancy test I had taken in the toilets of the local bargain department store.

I had taken tests before when my period was late, even though had been on the pill for quite a few years, I still got panicked whenever it did not arrive exactly on time. I expected it to be negative, as it always had been, so this really did knock me for six.

If anyone had been watching me that day they would have thought I was a mad woman. Having taken the test I returned to my car and sat so still for what seemed like forever. I rang one of my housemates from Leeds and she instructed me to take another test, good advice. So off I went to the same shop, bought another two tests and returned to the same toilets to pee on two more sticks. Peeing on sticks, something I had dealt with for over two years on a daily basis; but now the lights were on me. Two more positives. Shit.

Back in the car. Shit.